What do you wish you had known/done differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.

I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.

Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.

This, you can guide/encourage a smart kid, but unless they're driven by an internal motivation, it will be absolutely painful for all. I have two very smart kids, one has no inner drive and the other is completely self motivated. Completely different parenting experiences, motivated kid 1000x easier, I will admit that. And you don't worry about lost potential etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.

I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.

Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.

This, you can guide/encourage a smart kid, but unless they're driven by an internal motivation, it will be absolutely painful for all. I have two very smart kids, one has no inner drive and the other is completely self motivated. Completely different parenting experiences, motivated kid 1000x easier, I will admit that. And you don't worry about lost potential etc.

I have one of each as well but my less motivated one I have realized is motivated by very specific things and college was a better environment for this kid because he could focus on things he liked versus have to do everything in HS.

[Anonymous]

1. Recognized that seeking out the best, most competitive HS is working against one’s own interests in certain ways …

2. Paid more attention to acceptance rate by indicated / intended major …

3. Started being more intentional about ECs earlier (organic interests are best, of course, but most kids are going to have to “put on an act” regarding their interests to some degree)

4. Applied to fewer schools overall … most of the Top 25 schools are at least “pretty strong” in certain STEM major areas; applying to more than 10-12 schools, though, really reduces the amount of time the applicant has to focus essays (even with the benefit of the Common App) …

5. Understood before high school began that classes labelled Honors are typically a waste of effort. No GPA upside, only downside risk (more difficult or faster pace of content delivery than the non-honors class).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

Then you failed as a parent .

That is a little harsh. But I agree that someone (parent, kid or counselor) needs to figure out the admissions process and what hoops you need to jump through.

Realistically, parents do need to be at least somewhat knowledgeable the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Recognized that seeking out the best, most competitive HS is working against one’s own interests in certain ways …

2. Paid more attention to acceptance rate by indicated / intended major …

3. Started being more intentional about ECs earlier (organic interests are best, of course, but most kids are going to have to “put on an act” regarding their interests to some degree)

4. Applied to fewer schools overall … most of the Top 25 schools are at least “pretty strong” in certain STEM major areas; applying to more than 10-12 schools, though, really reduces the amount of time the applicant has to focus essays (even with the benefit of the Common App) …

5. Understood before high school began that classes labelled Honors are typically a waste of effort. No GPA upside, only downside risk (more difficult or faster pace of content delivery than the non-honors class).

Are you saying do Aps instead or standard classes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Recognized that seeking out the best, most competitive HS is working against one’s own interests in certain ways …

2. Paid more attention to acceptance rate by indicated / intended major …

3. Started being more intentional about ECs earlier (organic interests are best, of course, but most kids are going to have to “put on an act” regarding their interests to some degree)

4. Applied to fewer schools overall … most of the Top 25 schools are at least “pretty strong” in certain STEM major areas; applying to more than 10-12 schools, though, really reduces the amount of time the applicant has to focus essays (even with the benefit of the Common App) …

5. Understood before high school began that classes labelled Honors are typically a waste of effort. No GPA upside, only downside risk (more difficult or faster pace of content delivery than the non-honors class).

Are you saying do Aps instead or standard classes?

Yes. Also, moving forward, if your student aspires to move on to grad school and their undergraduate program has grade deflation, consider DE options to bolster their GPA.

[Anonymous]

Don't get caught up in the rat race in elementary school or even middle school, like reading levels, math track, etc. Let your kids develop at their own pace with parental support. Do enrichment (Kumon, Beast Academy, etc) if your kid is willing but also you can work with them at home to build a solid foundation in math and reading.

Read to your kids and foster a love of reading and learning.

Try different things to see what they like but let them decide whether they like it or not. All three of our kids dropped piano. It was fine. All three swam, but none swam competitively. They have great memories and got stronger, but all decided they liked other sports/activities.

They'll each develop their own interests later in middle school and high school. That's when you can support them and also be strategic - finding opportunities, driving them places etc.

But as a previous poster posted, the most important is developing resilience, good character, and solid work habits - which they learn through us, the parents. Those skills will keep them going through the ups and downs of high school.

Pick a HS environment best for your kids - don't follow the crowd. The best place is where your kid will be socially comfortable and challenged academically. We picked a moderately competitive public high school where DC thrived. This was after being in private for K-8. No school is perfect, so go all in on supporting the school you're in. DC1 is headed to HYP which we never would have predicted when he entered as a freshman. There are so many moving pieces that you can't control. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.

I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.

Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.

This, you can guide/encourage a smart kid, but unless they're driven by an internal motivation, it will be absolutely painful for all. I have two very smart kids, one has no inner drive and the other is completely self motivated. Completely different parenting experiences, motivated kid 1000x easier, I will admit that. And you don't worry about lost potential etc.

I also have 1 of each. Firstborn straight As always, go-getter, works hard, tests great no-prep easy…

Younger sib identical. Tests even higher. Finished last quarter with 3 B’s after 4 years of straight As. Perfectly capable of As, but didn’t care. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Admitting that I haven’t read the whole thread, I’m going to say that like with most things in life, this is a matter of balance. I think it’s important to start thinking about your kid’s narrative early — way before they can or should have any inkling what that means. But at the same time, you have to be flexible to accommodate your DC’s evolving interests, and help them flex their college narrative in the most authentic direction possible. It’s not easy — if you start too late, you haven’t laid the groundwork; if you force it too hard, you do both your child and the university/their application a disservice.

Ultimately, you know your child better than pretty much anyone, so help them along before they know the need help, then work with them as they grow into themselves and their own interests. I feel like that’s what we did and it was tremendously successful for our son. And we keep doing it now, even as he navigates through college…though with a lighter touch.

[Anonymous]

Amazing thread that says a lot about DCUM. Do you ever listen to yourselves?

[Anonymous]

Youngest is heading off to college this August. I am grateful I did not have any this on the radar when kids were in elementary school. That is the one thing I wouldn’t change.

There are hundreds of great colleges out there. I have kids in T20, SEC school, and a beautiful SLAC ranked somewhere between 90-110. They will all be fine.

I am very thankful that DC, especially eldest, was at a school with great counseling services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:stop please for your kid's sake let them be kids and enjoy the younger years. When they get to high school avoid this type of drama

This right here. What I would really do differently is move to a lower pressure area that was safe and not raise them in the DC metro area! But since our jobs are here, I would have picked a different HS that was less intense.

Our public is way too intense in everything, academics, sports and every EC there is. We see how both of our kids had issues in HS with it. We thought we were giving them every opportunity buying here but this came with a lot of stress, issues and regret on our part. It’s not about college admissions but everything else.

Enjoy their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

Find the best high school for college prep and admission success, research early and go ask for data if not on the website. Rigorous courses in all areas and a peer group where they can thrive and rise to the top group, but not so easy as the school is not taken seriously by T20 and does not get more than 1-2 in each year. Average SAT for the high school as well as AP pass rates and score distributions are easy to find.

Make sure they are able to navigate their own schoolwork by middle school (ie no help with homework, no tutors to stay in the top level of classes--tutors should be for true learning and processing differences at younger ages, not to try to fit in a group they do not belong. Teachers always can tell from in class discussions and it reflects poorly in the LOR later).
Let the rest happen. Encourage them to explore things they like whether it be chess or arts or sports, but prioritize sleep and do not schedule after school time every day or even most days in elementary school. They have to learn to handle free time, entertain themselves or read for fun. Let them decide extracurriculars and do not force any other than requiring finishing if you have paid for the season.
All 3 of ours found a love for one activity over others before they were 11, though it was not obvious how much they loved it until later, and for one it never would have been the one we thought was a fit.

Listen to teachers when they encourage harder classes or encourage less hard, usually teachers are right if you have a good school. Know where the are baseline testing(CTP, WISC) compared to nationally normed data and accept the kid you have. Almost all schools, public and private alike, do testing by 3rd or 4th grade. It does not change much over time. If they are 98-99%ile then they are naturally a fit for T15/ivy. If they are below 95th%ile then they are likely not a fit at all --sure they could get in as a recruited athlete or major hook, but they will be outshined in any area that assigns grades based on direct comparison to peers(stem courses, econ, even humanities is much more reading per week at a top school than a T50).
If they are 95-97%ile, time will tell but they are below avg/borderline for ivy+ and if they do not have that dig in and fight personality it may be a bad fit if they were to get in. Some students do well being a slight underdog, others do their best when they are clearly top 1/4 or better. Get to know your kid, how they respond to challenges and failures, how peer group influences them, and where they naturally fall compared to peers.
Tests are here to stay, and colleges have realized tests say a lot more about readiness than the inflated GPAs of high school.

[Anonymous]

^ three kids, two ivies and a WASP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stop please for your kid's sake let them be kids and enjoy the younger years. When they get to high school avoid this type of drama

This right here. What I would really do differently is move to a lower pressure area that was safe and not raise them in the DC metro area! But since our jobs are here, I would have picked a different HS that was less intense.

Our public is way too intense in everything, academics, sports and every EC there is. We see how both of our kids had issues in HS with it. We thought we were giving them every opportunity buying here but this came with a lot of stress, issues and regret on our part. It’s not about college admissions but everything else.

Enjoy their childhood.

I have no regrets about raising my kid in a mid-size city outside the Northeast corridor. Less pressure here, less fixation on a handful of uber-selective schools. The flip side, however, is having to pay for private school because most of the local public schools aren’t that strong. We look at public schools in places like metro DC, with their 35 AP classes and 30 NMSF’s and are a bit envious. There’s also the worry that the kids (including mine) who matriculate at T-25-type school won’t be as academically well prepared as the kids coming from top public schools in places like DC, NJ, MA, etc.