What do you wish you had known/done differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

OP, I think you are already doing what is most important: reading about the process, researching your questions and just overall staying informed of the trends as the years go by. My oldest just graduated from college and my youngest just finished her freshman year and all I can share is that the entire college application process is so specific to each student and each school and then to each situation with those two factors considered. In other words, there is little to no way to develop a strategy years ahead of time. The key is, I believe, is to educate yourself. I did and still do, obviously as I am here reading these threads (I have a HS nephew that I am now helping with the process).

I remember listening to some of my kids' friends as some applied to colleges and I would be shocked to hear how ill-informed they were. I would gently ask if their parents were helping them and they'd say they were and I would feel so badly for that kid as it was painfully obvious which ones had the guidance of someone who was current of the college admissions process and which parents were basing their guidance on knowledge that was years and decades old.

Its sad that the college process needs an adult to be so involved. Parents have full time jobs and have to do this as well and its not the smartest kids who get in, its those with the sophisticated private counselors and parents. What a messed up system. As immigrants we were clueless when our first applied to college but we did some patchwork packaging and he was fortunate to land in a good place. For the second kid we have paid a private counselor but I think we will have to work on it ourselves as well because the counselor does not seem that great.

[Anonymous]

Instead of thinking about college and how to steer your kids, focus on yourself instead. Model everyday positive habits like work ethics, showing up on time, following through on a commitment, being ready for work every morning stress free instead of rushing and driving while checking your facebook, staying active and going to bed on time. Maintain strong bonds with friends and family. Never gossip, never envy or get jealous. Never make excuses. If you do all this, your kids will turn out great. None of the strategizing and private college coaching in later years can compete with a kid who grew up with all these foundational values and skills.

But OP, if you're thinking about T10 colleges with kids still in elementary school, I suspect you may already be on the wrong track. Do some self-reflection and rethink your priorities.

[Anonymous]

See, OP, here's your issue: you went to a "Top 10" and are assuming that your experience was so damned special that it's something you think your kid needs. As if not going "Top 10" is by definition less of an experience, less transformative . . . just plain "less."

That's not only a total bullshit and totally elitist way of thinking, you're also setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.

My advice? Concentrate on your kids' happiness and not on preparing them for college 10 years from now. And stop thinking that they need to live the life you led to measure up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

Nothing. DS got into a T20 where he is happy but was devastated at not getting into his desired schools. It sucks. However, he chose to do ECs that he was truly passionate about and he held leadership positions where he was truly engaged and doing the most he could do. He never cheated and didn’t lie on his applications.

Would he have done better if he had played the tuba only waiting to dump it when he got in? Maybe. Would he have gotten in if he had fabricated other ECs or lied about his intended major! Maybe. Would he have done better if he had chosen a more esoteric EC that he didn’t have to compete to achieve? Maybe. However, he wouldn’t have gained independence, developed integrity or grown as much.

[Anonymous]

My honest advice is put this away and don’t think about it for years. Help your children develop their interests and become good students, develop work ethic, and develop strong characters. There is a teen mental health crisis in this country and the emphasis on college admissions is a huge piece of it. Don’t get sucked in. It truly doesn’t matter—what matters is what you do once you’re there.

[Anonymous]

stop please for your kid's sake let them be kids and enjoy the younger years. When they get to high school avoid this type of drama

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters who say to let kids be kids.

The main thing I regret is not having my kids do more math drills or maybe math tutoring at an early age. Just to make sure they were operating at a high level of performance. My elementary school's math curriculum was lacking. Superficially things seemed okay but were not. I didn't understand the gaps until they cropped up. There are plenty of family members who have these skills. So I feel my kids were undereducated based on their potential. I am not in DMV...tutoring is not normal here except in affluent immigrant communities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice would be that things can change a lot from one year to another. Don't get too committed to a strategy before high school, because the landscape will probably change.

You might also take the time, since you have it, to do some self-reflection about what you really hope your children will take from their childhood and high school experiences, as well as their college experience. There are ways to play this that can (but do not always) produce prestigious college outcomes but also put immense pressure on the children, and sometimes produce very unpleasant outcomes for kids who aren’t “good enough” for the road that’s been mapped out for them. And it will always be the case that some kids will land in the T10 without all that grooming.

Bingo.

Whatever we could say now, the trends will be different when your kids get to high school.

GPA is king ... but the finish line keeps moving. Better not to have a finish line ... just help your kids grow up to be good people, and find some things that they're interested in. And know that they're probably not going to go to your alma mater!

[Anonymous]

Read, read, read, read...oh and read. And save money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

[Anonymous]

I really recommend the book Erasing the Finish Line. It’s about how to change your mindset and your kids’ mindset to think beyond college admissions, to how to use college to prepare for the rest of their life. There was a time when going to a top college gave a kid a good chance of finding employment and having options. That is less and less true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

Then they relax during freshman year, make friends, graduate, go to Penn/Michigan/NYU etc for law school, get a big law job, then one day a coworker says they went to Brown and they go “ohhhhhhh yeah. I used to really want to go to Brown haha”. The ones that don’t will be in joint therapy sessions with their parent in the future either way.

[Anonymous]

Let your kid develop their own interests and don’t force things on them because “it looks good for colleges.” AOs like authenticity and that comes out when the kids like what they do.

Also, think about flourishing in college and beyond. Teach them skills to be resilient and independent. Don’t do everything for them; don’t wake them up every morning, don’t remind them about every single homework assignment and test, let them fail a little so they develop intrinsic motivation.

[Anonymous]

Our youngest is graduating high school. Just enjoy your child, it goes fast. Once kids hit upper elementary time goes on warp speed. Encourage your kids to do their best, but don't get swept up in the academic arms race. Don't hang out with those parent, cut them loose. The older your student gets, the more you fade into the background as a supporting player at home. By sophomore year of high school, the only time you ever talk to your kid's teachers are at open house (if you even go) or at any end of year event (if any). You let your kid do all the talking with teachers so they will be comfortable talking to college professors. If you don't fade into the background then they won't learn to speak for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?

I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.

But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.

Did you mean private schools that are in the T50? Because you could apply EA to a bunch of public in the T50.

In any case, if you can’t get into one of BU, BC, NEU in RD, then you don’t have a shot at T10, at all.

If you’re a normal high stats kid, even w/ just okay ECs, it’s hard not to get into any T40, much less T50. So either the kid is not high stats or there’s a glaring red flag in the application.