Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

Agree. Sounds like she has a mix of brands- including high end stuff. This is not the parents “being cheap.” What is the problem on this site? Terrible message to send by constantly buying (and throwing out perfectly good items) expensive items and chasing trends. I would not condone this and she can throw a fit- don’t care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

I am sorry your 17 year old wears Target.

Brandy Melville, for example, is not much more than Target, but cuter and what other 13 year olds wear.

As for bratty behavior, is she really bratty or just upset that she can’t wear what other girls are wearing. I sympathize with her. I agree that you don’t need to spend a lot of money.

I am sorry you are a snob and a label whore. My DD is beautiful, whatever she wears. Thankfully, we don't live in a snobby area. She does also have some BM clothes. IMO, it's just a label because the quality really isn't all that much better than some of the Target clothing. You're just paying for the name. That's what label whores do. People buy into it because it makes them feel better about themselves because they place value in superficial things.

I read a while ago about how art "experts" placed a high value on some painting when they were told it was done by some artist. Only, it turned out that a 5 year old did it. Those so called experts put a high value on it purely based on a label rather than quality.

We used to live in an area much wealthier than this area. We moved out of there before the kids demanded brand name labels and expensive cars like so many of the kids around that area got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

Why would she pick out something on sale? Did she pick out something generally and then the parents found a similar item on sale? Like she got the shorts but in a weird color? Something isn't adding up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

OP, as a woman who went to private school, I can say that the fashion pressure was intense to fit in. And I was surrounded by tons of money my parents didn't have. It would have been so much less pressure to go to the local public.

As she gets older, the fashion pressure and fun vacation/ travel pressure only gets worse. My parents had no idea what they were setting me up for. The "not buying items on sale" sounds like rich private school pressure to me -- the pressure is to buy the clothing when they first come out and not wait to save money was also intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

I am sorry your 17 year old wears Target.

Brandy Melville, for example, is not much more than Target, but cuter and what other 13 year olds wear.

As for bratty behavior, is she really bratty or just upset that she can’t wear what other girls are wearing. I sympathize with her. I agree that you don’t need to spend a lot of money.

I am sorry you are a snob and a label whore. My DD is beautiful, whatever she wears. Thankfully, we don't live in a snobby area. She does also have some BM clothes. IMO, it's just a label because the quality really isn't all that much better than some of the Target clothing. You're just paying for the name. That's what label whores do. People buy into it because it makes them feel better about themselves because they place value in superficial things.

I read a while ago about how art "experts" placed a high value on some painting when they were told it was done by some artist. Only, it turned out that a 5 year old did it. Those so called experts put a high value on it purely based on a label rather than quality.

We used to live in an area much wealthier than this area. We moved out of there before the kids demanded brand name labels and expensive cars like so many of the kids around that area got.

Your use of “whore” to describe parents who get their kids popular clothing is a defense mechanism. If your 17 year old is happy with Target, wonderful. If you live in an area where all teens wears Target, more power to you. This is not the case most places and likely isn’t the case for OP. There is a wide range of clothing available for OP’s child and most of it isn’t inexpensive. I don’t buy lululemon for my own child. But I will buy Brandy Melville, Pac Sun and similar brands because it’s what’s in trend. 13 year olds care about these things, for most families in the DMV they’re in-budget choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

Pp above. Well, they won’t learn about it if we don’t teach them. My 12 yo has an age appropriate understanding of making good financial decisions and not being wasteful. She does not care at all about brand names or fashion. She attends a non-rich public school, though (which still has some kids like OP’s daughter).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

They bought her the ugly out of style lululemon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

I am sorry your 17 year old wears Target.

Brandy Melville, for example, is not much more than Target, but cuter and what other 13 year olds wear.

As for bratty behavior, is she really bratty or just upset that she can’t wear what other girls are wearing. I sympathize with her. I agree that you don’t need to spend a lot of money.

I am sorry you are a snob and a label whore. My DD is beautiful, whatever she wears. Thankfully, we don't live in a snobby area. She does also have some BM clothes. IMO, it's just a label because the quality really isn't all that much better than some of the Target clothing. You're just paying for the name. That's what label whores do. People buy into it because it makes them feel better about themselves because they place value in superficial things.

I read a while ago about how art "experts" placed a high value on some painting when they were told it was done by some artist. Only, it turned out that a 5 year old did it. Those so called experts put a high value on it purely based on a label rather than quality.

We used to live in an area much wealthier than this area. We moved out of there before the kids demanded brand name labels and expensive cars like so many of the kids around that area got.

Your use of “whore” to describe parents who get their kids popular clothing is a defense mechanism. If your 17 year old is happy with Target, wonderful. If you live in an area where all teens wears Target, more power to you. This is not the case most places and likely isn’t the case for OP. There is a wide range of clothing available for OP’s child and most of it isn’t inexpensive. I don’t buy lululemon for my own child. But I will buy Brandy Melville, Pac Sun and similar brands because it’s what’s in trend. 13 year olds care about these things, for most families in the DMV they’re in-budget choices.

“Label/brand whore” is a common term that has been used for decades you doofus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

They bought her the ugly out of style lululemon.

Pretty much and then clueless dad is pretending it's what she wanted and can't seem to understand why she was upset. She said black Lululemon 2.5 hotty hot shorts and he got her the yellow 5in shorts from last season in a size too big from the sale rack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

Why would she pick out something on sale? Did she pick out something generally and then the parents found a similar item on sale? Like she got the shorts but in a weird color? Something isn't adding up.

Yeah, I think (maybe clueless) dad doesn't get it or isn't giving us the whole story with the sale items. Except for a few times of year (like after Christmas) the stuff on sale at Lululemon is the only the weird (read: ugly) colors/patterns or other odd items (weird cuts, silhouettes, etc.) that ended up not selling at full price. His DD does not want that stuff - she wants like a pair of black align leggings or a pink scuba or whatever. If that's out of your budget, fine. But if not, maybe just let her have one or two staple pieces like those I mentioned (the girls at my DD's middle school will re-wear their favorite two hoodies all week long) and move on. Being 12-14 is just rough and the height of all this stress to fit in, not get pushed out of this circle, that circle. Or if not Lulu -- some other store that is some steps up from Target (in the girls' eyes). Again, get staple pieces that she can use in most outfits. And the right backpack or shoes is actually another good place to spend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

Parents bought lululemon at DD's request. She then threw a fit when she found out it was on sale. Parents aren't being unreasonable.

Why would she pick out something on sale? Did she pick out something generally and then the parents found a similar item on sale? Like she got the shorts but in a weird color? Something isn't adding up.

Yeah, I think (maybe clueless) dad doesn't get it or isn't giving us the whole story with the sale items. Except for a few times of year (like after Christmas) the stuff on sale at Lululemon is the only the weird (read: ugly) colors/patterns or other odd items (weird cuts, silhouettes, etc.) that ended up not selling at full price. His DD does not want that stuff - she wants like a pair of black align leggings or a pink scuba or whatever. If that's out of your budget, fine. But if not, maybe just let her have one or two staple pieces like those I mentioned (the girls at my DD's middle school will re-wear their favorite two hoodies all week long) and move on. Being 12-14 is just rough and the height of all this stress to fit in, not get pushed out of this circle, that circle. Or if not Lulu -- some other store that is some steps up from Target (in the girls' eyes). Again, get staple pieces that she can use in most outfits. And the right backpack or shoes is actually another good place to spend.

Me again -- I wrote this before seeing the response right above mine that also called the dad "clueless". Funny -- but so true!

[Anonymous]

As a compromise between Target and Lululemon, what about:

Hollister
Pac Sun
Edikted
Garage
Aerie

[Anonymous]

if you can't afford to live in that area i would move somewhere else

[Anonymous]

I wonder what DD’s response would have been had clothes been bought from GoodWill or a thrift store?