Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can be a problem with certain immigrant children who have no other way to measure their assimilation. It is essentially a veneer.

lol.. no.

-signed a child of immigrants

My DD has only known an umc lifestyle, and she has this problem. This happens to kids who are surrounded by wealth. Immigrant children are generally not surrounded by that much wealth. Yes, immigrant kids want to assimilate but that means being a normal American teenager with normal American teen clothing. Lululemon clothing is not normal for the average American kid. That's a wealthy person issue, not an immigrant kid issue.

[Anonymous]

This stuff is really important to kids. I think you are being cheap. She can babysit if you won't buy here clothes that aren't from Target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This stuff is really important to kids. I think you are being cheap. She can babysit if you won't buy here clothes that aren't from Target.

How did you gather that? OP isn’t being cheap at all. Insisting on a new backpack in April, then another new backpack in fall (if the one in April isn’t cool anymore) is ridiculous. I don’t care how much money you have, I wouldn’t do this. Such a profound waste. OP said she literally bought the kid lululemon clothes SHE picked out. But then got mad when she learned they were actually bought on sale (which I guess she interrupted as not cool anymore?) and wanted to then rebuy other stuff. This is total brat behavior and I wouldn’t not give in to this. If she is snotty and disrespectful about it, I would take phone away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

I would stop focusing on trying to “get through to her” or teach her anything. Just figure out where your line in the sand with regard to spending is and stick to it. Be consistent and keep your head down. She will eventually adapt, and she will learn more from your actions than your words.

[Anonymous]

My 13yo DD is also in private school (8th) and doesn't behave like this. She likes expensive sneakers which I won't buy so she got herself a job as a mothers helper twice a month and earns money to buy shoes she wants but doesn't need.
Her clothes are mostly from the thrift store so on the occasion she wants something new I accommodate that.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids they can use their own money. 15 year old has a job at an ice cream shop.

My kids complain about our house. It is small compared to others. We are both teachers so while we do fine we are not rich. I just tell them we have other priorities. We could have a big house but nothing else. We could have nice clothes but never travel. We could have other jobs that pay well, but possibly have to work more and no extensive summer travel. We prioritize based on our income as that is that.

It is hard living in an area where there is so much money. We are far from poor, but not rich - it just feels differently in this area.

[Anonymous]

Definitely do the budget

It’s harder for younger kids to earn money these days, see what you can do to help her find something

Subtly encourage positive relationships/experiences. This is a regret I have with one of my children who went off the rails. I focused everything on fixing the problem (therapy, discipline, etc) and not enough on adding good things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

Because kids don’t inherently understand the concept of costs, sales, quality, value, etc. that is a skill that has to be taught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Moving her to public school isn't going to solve your problems. Public school kids care about the right brands too.

Eh...I wasn't say it's as pervasive in public school. I have experience in both.

She should be in a private school with a uniform. Solves a lot of problems right there.

[Anonymous]

Does nobody remember being a kid? Wanting to fit in and have the right stuff isn’t new. My MIL was a hard ass about this stuff with my husband only buying the cheapest off brand stuff. Now she regrets it. My husband had a doting grandmother who took him back to school shopping and bought him what he actually wanted.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me like you want her to never be disappointed. I understand wanting to raise happy kids but they will have disappointments in life and an off-trend backpack may as well be one of the early ones. This is just another aspect of snowplow parenting where we want our kids to never feel down about anything. I’m guilty of this too!
It’s profoundly wasteful to get rid of things before their lifespan is up. Remember that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

My 12 yo hung flyers and landed a couple of regular babysitting gigs. She's saved up over $500 from babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she needs a job. Even if she's not 16, she can babysit or petsit.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

My 12 yo hung flyers and landed a couple of regular babysitting gigs. She's saved up over $500 from babysitting.

Who is hiring an unknown 12 yr old to baby sit based on a flyer?