Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

This would end the conversation. I earned money at that age by baby-sitting and doing small jobs around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

Once she has a budget, you will be happier. I have a friend with a slightly older teen (so I'm watching and learning) and the switch from pricey brand name stuff to thrifting was shockingly fast once she had to really grapple with what a dollar buys. And the teen looks stylish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

8:25 here. She needs to come up with her own values, and the "right" brands might be more important to her than you, even ultimately her whole life. That's part of the beauty of budgets and constraints over time. She will work out what she values. Case in point, when I was shopping with my DD yesterday she said she really needs a job. She's resisted wanting to earn money for a while, but now her wants are outpacing her budgets.

[Anonymous]

This can be a problem with certain immigrant children who have no other way to measure their assimilation. It is essentially a veneer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

8:25 here. She needs to come up with her own values, and the "right" brands might be more important to her than you, even ultimately her whole life. That's part of the beauty of budgets and constraints over time. She will work out what she values. Case in point, when I was shopping with my DD yesterday she said she really needs a job. She's resisted wanting to earn money for a while, but now her wants are outpacing her budgets.

By the way, this working out her own values (about everything, not just brand names and consumption) is actually her job at 13. Are you accordingly changing your role from telling her what to do to advisor?

[Anonymous]

Just one other thought - if your teen is hard to fit, busty, etc, factor that into the budget and her frustration. A lot of teen clothes are cut straight up and down, and don't fit teens with a waist and hips. Bras for busty women are expensive and harder to find. Clothes for certain body types are often more expensive, and less likely to show up in second hand markets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Welp, there you go. That's a big chunk of your problem right there.

[Anonymous]

That’s when this crap starts, OP, so nip it now.

Nobody else has rules but you. Everybody buys expensive stuff but you. Don’t believe it. Ofc they’re all influenced by the social media crap they see and all have to run and get the latest crop/tank top/jeans/sweats/shorts/makeup, etc that they’re told to. Started with my DD too with Lulu and Sephora. It gets worse before it gets better.

Thrifting can be cool but it does depend on the friend group. Buy a few things within your budget and yeah, let her pet sit or take the baby sitting course over the summer and earn some cash for the rest of it.

Stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Moving her to public school isn't going to solve your problems. Public school kids care about the right brands too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Moving her to public school isn't going to solve your problems. Public school kids care about the right brands too.

Eh...I wasn't say it's as pervasive in public school. I have experience in both.

[Anonymous]

I think setting up a budget for her, so she can plan her own clothing spending is smart. Just keep talking about your values around brands and spending. She is listening, she's just at an age where peer pressure and conformity are important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

Don’t they have uniforms? Uniforms were the best thing ever for my kid like that in private HS.

[Anonymous]

The school has uniforms. But we have since learned that you can still spend $$$ on a pleated skirt and polo shirts. This is the part that makes no sense we can buy two skirts that look very similar but as soon as she looks at the tag then the "expensive" skirt is the better one.
To the pp my wife thinks the same thing would happen in public school and thats why she's against moving DD.
The budget starts this week. We'll see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

The problem isn't going to be solved by budgeting. Your kid's problem is that she is comparing herself to others, and wants to fit in, which is of course normal for a tween/teen.

I do think being in a pricey private school adds to this problem. Yes, this can happen at public school, too, but not as much. Unless you live in an expensive public school cachement, one can always find kids who are not super wealthy.

My DD had somewhat of a similar problem when they were younger tween/teens. We live in an area that has a mix of pretty wealthy families - grandparents who give them expensive name brand bags, parents who buy their kids expensive cars, etc.. DD started to compare herself to her friends and would get jealous.

We have talked to our kids since they were in ES about the importance of budgeting, and how trying to keep up with the joneses is never ending and doesn't really buy you much happiness in life. We told them that we don't put importance on our clothes, or what cars we drive. We put importance on experiences, like travel, and saving for the future. We could have afforded name brand things, but we don't see value n that.

Of course, a 13 yr old can't really understand that concept, so while she outwardly said she understood, she inwardly was still very jealous and not happy that we wouldn't buy her expensive name brand anything like lululemon.

At 13, you should tell your kid that if they want spending money to do with as they please, they should get a job at 16. We did that. Both my kids have had jobs since they were 16. DD is now almost 18 and about to go to college. She buys her own things, but she realizes that she doesn't have enough money to buy expensive things. She has splurged once or twice, and that caused her to be broke for like 3 weeks. So, she learned the budgeting lesson in real life. She now likes to shop at thrift or consignment stores sometimes. My oldest is almost 21, and they have bought themselves computers, phones, etc.. since they were 16 with money they saved. Both feel a sense of accomplishment and maturity when they are able to buy things for themselves with their own money.

you need to change your kid's relationship with money, and teach her that keeping up with the joneses is not how you want to live.

If you want to keep her in that private school due to academics, then you will just have to live with her bratty behavior until she can understand (if ever) about the value of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.