Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are at our wits end. Our tween daughter has some unreasonable views and we are at a loss. Our daughter is being heavily influenced by peer pressure at school and is now convinced that we're ruining her life by being cheap.
She doesn't like any of her clothes and keeps on insisting that she needs new stuff. The latest thing is her backpack. Apparently its not the right brand. We said ok, we can get a new backpack for fall. Nope not good enough, she wants a new backpack now and then if another one is "on trend" in the fall then she'd get a new one then. Of course we said no.
She then exploded about how she's tired of us being broke all the time and how we're so cheap. She's now refusing to wear anything from Target and is mad that we bought Lululemon clothing on sale. Even though she's the one that picked out the Lululemon stuff!
We're not broke, but we dont frivolously spend either. I think she's being influenced by her friend group at her school. If my daughter is to be believed these girls get new clothes every week and don't have to do chores or anything to earn spending money. I need practical tips to get through to her. Please help.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she needs a job. Even if she's not 16, she can babysit or petsit.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you parented well and took a reasonable position.

But you are now looking for advice on how to get a tween to like it that they aren’t getting something they want.

My advice is to stop trying to make her like it. Instead just tell her “I’m sorry you feel that way” when she gets upset that you are “cheap”.

[Anonymous]

Thrifting is cool. Maybe let her pick out stuff at goodwill or value village? My two very stylish DDs love it. Actually now we have too much crap, so it’s a double edged sword.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I are at our wits end. Our tween daughter has some unreasonable views and we are at a loss. Our daughter is being heavily influenced by peer pressure at school and is now convinced that we're ruining her life by being cheap.
She doesn't like any of her clothes and keeps on insisting that she needs new stuff. The latest thing is her backpack. Apparently its not the right brand. We said ok, we can get a new backpack for fall. Nope not good enough, she wants a new backpack now and then if another one is "on trend" in the fall then she'd get a new one then. Of course we said no.
She then exploded about how she's tired of us being broke all the time and how we're so cheap. She's now refusing to wear anything from Target and is mad that we bought Lululemon clothing on sale. Even though she's the one that picked out the Lululemon stuff!
We're not broke, but we dont frivolously spend either. I think she's being influenced by her friend group at her school. If my daughter is to be believed these girls get new clothes every week and don't have to do chores or anything to earn spending money. I need practical tips to get through to her. Please help.

Does she have a phone and TikTok? If so, that might be where she or her friends are absorbing this message.

Otherwise it’s kind of par for the course with girls this age. Just mock her mercilessly and stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

+1. Not that we don't find things there, but they don't have a lot and the quality sucks anyway. And we're not brand-name people. Take her to some department stores, thrifting, etc to get a variety.

I do a variation of PP's plan where I buy all the basics and required stuff - underwear, recital outfit, winter coat - but if she wants something extra she can use her birthday and pet sitting money.

[Anonymous]

She needs to work or do chores.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

[Anonymous]

This sounds about right for a teen/tween. They want to be on trend. Just set a budget for her clothes and let her buy what she wants within the budget. Explain to her a basic wardrobe but let her buy whats on trend. If all she ends up with is a tee shirt that's on her. Don't you remember being a teen?

Also does she attend private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

You are part of the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

It's her problem she doesn't want to work for money, not your problem. Change your thinking around that and stop being so upset she's upset.

The way I make a budget for clothes is we look realistically at how many shirts are needed (last time it was 10 because a lot were grown out) and I set a reasonable average price per shirt and multiplied that by the number of shirts. I added a tiny buffer.

My DD is then free to spend it on shirts she picks as long as she gets 10 shirts. Some cost double the average and some cost $3-5 at thrift stores or Ross/TJ Maxx. It teaches tradeoffs. I monitor and advise but my comments are more like if you get that, you won't be able to get more at that price without getting some really inexpensive ones. I help some with the math.

I don't comment on which brands I think are worth it or not. Ultimately you want her to be able to think for herself to be able to function in the real world. Also mistakes and regrets are part of this, but let them be hers and not something she's blaming you for. Plus it's amazing what they no longer want when they're making the choices. Of course they want and want and want everything when it's your (essentially pain-free) money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds about right for a teen/tween. They want to be on trend. Just set a budget for her clothes and let her buy what she wants within the budget. Explain to her a basic wardrobe but let her buy whats on trend. If all she ends up with is a tee shirt that's on her. Don't you remember being a teen?

Also does she attend private school?

NP. The driver for this likely is either geography (where OP lives) and/or Tiktok, not which specific school. Students at many schools, both public and private, have these issues (especially with the girls). The main exceptions to this being a big issue are schools that either (a) have uniforms [some Catholic schools] or (b) have narrow dress-codes that prohibit all branded clothes.

The school I attended later on banned all clothing with brands or logos and narrowed its dress code to minimize these sorts of issues. There was no uniform. The dress code listed what clothing types were allowed — rather than what clothing types were prohibited (and with separate lists for boys vs girls).

[Anonymous]

Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.