Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The school has uniforms. But we have since learned that you can still spend $$$ on a pleated skirt and polo shirts. This is the part that makes no sense we can buy two skirts that look very similar but as soon as she looks at the tag then the "expensive" skirt is the better one.
To the pp my wife thinks the same thing would happen in public school and thats why she's against moving DD.
The budget starts this week. We'll see how it goes.

She doesn’t like you to buy the same clothes on sale because she wishes she were rich. It’s not about the quality of the clothes. It’s about the ability to spend money. It’s a values issue and some people struggle with it more than others. I agree that private school probably makes things worse. But there are always going to be people who are richer than you, and being focused on money to that degree makes life hard.

Yep, I stated above. A budget is not going to help the issue because it's not about that. It's about her relationship with money and material things and keeping up with the joneses. That's what you need to address.

But, you made that difficult for her because you chose to send her to a pricey private school where most of the kids don't probably get what they want from the wealthy parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The school has uniforms. But we have since learned that you can still spend $$$ on a pleated skirt and polo shirts. This is the part that makes no sense we can buy two skirts that look very similar but as soon as she looks at the tag then the "expensive" skirt is the better one.
To the pp my wife thinks the same thing would happen in public school and thats why she's against moving DD.
The budget starts this week. We'll see how it goes.

She doesn’t like you to buy the same clothes on sale because she wishes she were rich. It’s not about the quality of the clothes. It’s about the ability to spend money. It’s a values issue and some people struggle with it more than others. I agree that private school probably makes things worse. But there are always going to be people who are richer than you, and being focused on money to that degree makes life hard.

Yep, I stated above. A budget is not going to help the issue because it's not about that. It's about her relationship with money and material things and keeping up with the joneses. That's what you need to address.

But, you made that difficult for her because you chose to send her to a pricey private school where most of the kids don't probably get what they want from the wealthy parents.

Sorry, meant "where most of the kids probably get what they want **.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

[Anonymous]

14:28 again. I forgot to say that you shouldn’t try to force her to wear clothes from Target. Figure out with her a more acceptable cheap source, like Old Navy or H&M or whatever it is, for some of the filler/basics.

[Anonymous]

Take away her phone/tablet. It's not her friends, it's the internet.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess. DD is in a private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

I am sorry your 17 year old wears Target.

Brandy Melville, for example, is not much more than Target, but cuter and what other 13 year olds wear.

As for bratty behavior, is she really bratty or just upset that she can’t wear what other girls are wearing. I sympathize with her. I agree that you don’t need to spend a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. Buy her a few nicer things that’s she can use daily - nicer shoes, backpack, maybe a hoody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

It's fine if your daughter chooses target. All I'm saying is I wouldn't force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

I am sorry your 17 year old wears Target.

Brandy Melville, for example, is not much more than Target, but cuter and what other 13 year olds wear.

As for bratty behavior, is she really bratty or just upset that she can’t wear what other girls are wearing. I sympathize with her. I agree that you don’t need to spend a lot of money.

That is kind of a gross attitude. An “almost 13” year old does not need great quality; she will outgrow the clothes in a year. Black leggings, basic ts, running shorts- it’s all perfectly nice quality from target, it just does not have the “status” of a pricier brand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

You can watch tik tok videos on YouTube. Lots of compilations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I are at our wits end. Our tween daughter has some unreasonable views and we are at a loss. Our daughter is being heavily influenced by peer pressure at school and is now convinced that we're ruining her life by being cheap.
She doesn't like any of her clothes and keeps on insisting that she needs new stuff. The latest thing is her backpack. Apparently its not the right brand. We said ok, we can get a new backpack for fall. Nope not good enough, she wants a new backpack now and then if another one is "on trend" in the fall then she'd get a new one then. Of course we said no.
She then exploded about how she's tired of us being broke all the time and how we're so cheap. She's now refusing to wear anything from Target and is mad that we bought Lululemon clothing on sale. Even though she's the one that picked out the Lululemon stuff!
We're not broke, but we dont frivolously spend either. I think she's being influenced by her friend group at her school. If my daughter is to be believed these girls get new clothes every week and don't have to do chores or anything to earn spending money. I need practical tips to get through to her. Please help.

What friends do doesn't matter. However, I think it's reasonable to sit down and explain your budget.

I would start with stating that we buy x number of each piece, and that the total budget is around y. I would then split it up by 20: 10 months at y/20, fall spend 7y/20, spring spend 3y/20. For a budget of $1000 yearly, that's $50 for Sep-Mar and May-July, $350 August and $150 April (adjust months, ratio, and budget as needed). Anything that goes beyond budget comes out of her pocket, all clothes from budget must meet the dress code (unless swim wear or similar, not intended for school), and I don't want to hear about not having enough for the number of pieces needed.

I have zero issue with a kid asking for something specific as a birthday or Christmas gift. I just paid $150 for a single pair of jeans from Buckle for 18th birthday, but she also knew that she wouldn't get much else. Christmas (16) the request was lucky brand loungewear... since Sam's Club had them for $10/pant, I gave her 10, maybe 12? Since she was wearing them everywhere, it worked.

I agree with the PP who recommended thrifting. I also had a lot of success by showing my teen that one piece with an obvious brand (jeans, hoodie, puffer) could be the anchor for several outfits while the other pieces could be thrifted, clearance, sale, or a lesser brand (horrors! Even walmart plain color tanks work).

[Anonymous]

I do think the private school exacerbates this issue although it also depends on the kid and how sensitive they are to fitting in. Growing up, we had family friends that sent their kid to a boarding school. Her father was a partner in a law firm, but she felt poor compared to the children of CEOs, etc. Not that there are not plenty of upper class families at public schools, but it is just a whole another level of material things.