Hosting Wife's College Friend's Daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, some of these posters don’t have children in college. When you get an internship in another city, securing housing for this limited time period is very difficult. The friend took the easy way first and called the OP hoping for a 1 and done. If the OP responds negatively, the friend and her child need keep looking. For the record, local colleges will rent out dorm space to students on internships. While not glamorous, this option would probably be the easiest. You only need bedding and your clothes.

OP mentioned her cooking. I would not want to be responsible for feeding this person for months.

We live in a large house and have 3 spare bedrooms. I think I would consider letting someone stay in our basement. It has its own entrance and bar down there. I wouldn’t even like that because I don’t let my kids take food downstairs.

I also like to turn the alarm on and whenever we have guests, I don’t want them to set the alarm off so we usually keep it off.

I have a teen who had an internship is another city. I rented him an apt. We had friends but we would never ask them since apts are smallish in that city.

Ok so you are a rich selfish miser. Poor people would let her stay and let her sleep anywhere she can find including the couch or floor

If someone is staying with you for 10 weeks, you quite obviously give them the alarm code. If this is your objections, you are just looking for reasons to say no (and that will be obvious to your friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always interesting to hear different perspectives. For me, this would be a no brainer--of course she could stay with me and I would not expect compensation.

I have a tight circle of friends. I know their kids. Heck, I'm the emergency contact for some of them. I can't imagine saying no to a 22 yr old or an old friend.

I mean, congrats for being rich?

My budget doesn't afford feeding an adult for three months, or for paying for their hot water, their electricty, their dishwashing detergent, their ....

Financial constraints are absolutely a valid reason to decline.

OP, however, didn't mention any of them. He just said, "I don't want the inconvenience." That is mind boggling to me, when discussing a close friend's kid.

It’s mind-boggling to not want to host a 20-yo for three months who’s known to be a partier whose parents didn’t even feign politeness by offering a whiff of compensation, home/vacay swap, or other idea? Sorry you can’t see others’ perspectives. Feel free to run a free boarding house, that’s on you. But to imply that OP is some kind of jerk for not being A-ok with this plan is nuts.

I'm sorry, apparently I was unclear. I didn't mean to imply that OP was a jerk. I wanted to convey explicitly and without equivocation that OP is a jerk for not wanting to do this because of the "inconvenience." Apparently I am an anomaly (as is my wife) but we'd happily undertake a minor inconvenience for the kid of a close friend. I've previously said that there are valid reasons to reject this request, including financial, lack of space, and others. But OP's reasons are, "it would be inconvenient, my parents might want to use the room, the kid like to go out (and so what?), and I'm annoyed that they didn't offer to give us a week in Vail in return."

This isn't a business transaction, it's a favor that people do for friends. I'd be offended if a friend offered me compensation for this. But it's a virtual certainty that they would do something to show their appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Either friend’s daughter is fug or the OP is in the closet.

[Anonymous]

Two weeks or whatever amount you want to get their footing.
Then say family/guests expected on and off all
Summer.

Don’t see how you can have a curfew for a college student. Quiet hours, sure. If you worry, ask them to text if they aren’t coming home as You may feel responsible/ in loco parentis.

Going out and “networking” would be part of the whole thing. You can’t control that.

I would guess they’d be home for few meals, so expecting them to sit down and eat with you everyday is unrealistic. Show them where they can store some food if they wish.

[Anonymous]

There are hotels, hostels, Airbnbs,Wymo/Uber/Lyft services, food delivery, Instacart, restaurants, instacart, phones with mapping services, 911, etc available so no adult has to crash anywhere inconveniencing another adult. I wouldn't unless its too expensive for me to pay. In that case, kid would take a local internship. We are used to living within our means.

[Anonymous]

I had a daughter the same age and I would have never asked.

Just say you have family coming to visit or that you’re doing construction.

[Anonymous]

You posted a lot of very specific details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always interesting to hear different perspectives. For me, this would be a no brainer--of course she could stay with me and I would not expect compensation.

I have a tight circle of friends. I know their kids. Heck, I'm the emergency contact for some of them. I can't imagine saying no to a 22 yr old or an old friend.

I mean, congrats for being rich?

My budget doesn't afford feeding an adult for three months, or for paying for their hot water, their electricty, their dishwashing detergent, their ....

Financial constraints are absolutely a valid reason to decline.

OP, however, didn't mention any of them. He just said, "I don't want the inconvenience." That is mind boggling to me, when discussing a close friend's kid.

It’s mind-boggling to not want to host a 20-yo for three months who’s known to be a partier whose parents didn’t even feign politeness by offering a whiff of compensation, home/vacay swap, or other idea? Sorry you can’t see others’ perspectives. Feel free to run a free boarding house, that’s on you. But to imply that OP is some kind of jerk for not being A-ok with this plan is nuts.

I'm sorry, apparently I was unclear. I didn't mean to imply that OP was a jerk. I wanted to convey explicitly and without equivocation that OP is a jerk for not wanting to do this because of the "inconvenience." Apparently I am an anomaly (as is my wife) but we'd happily undertake a minor inconvenience for the kid of a close friend. I've previously said that there are valid reasons to reject this request, including financial, lack of space, and others. But OP's reasons are, "it would be inconvenient, my parents might want to use the room, the kid like to go out (and so what?), and I'm annoyed that they didn't offer to give us a week in Vail in return."

This isn't a business transaction, it's a favor that people do for friends. I'd be offended if a friend offered me compensation for this. But it's a virtual certainty that they would do something to show their appreciation.

NP

Ditto. Some people have manners, some people are kind and generous to their friends. Many people are not I guess. We live in a sad selfish society, judging by DCUM.

I would take in this kid, and so would my dh. No brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are hotels, hostels, Airbnbs,Wymo/Uber/Lyft services, food delivery, Instacart, restaurants, instacart, phones with mapping services, 911, etc available so no adult has to crash anywhere inconveniencing another adult. I wouldn't unless its too expensive for me to pay. In that case, kid would take a local internship. We are used to living within our means.

It’s a college student. They are poor. The parent is probably strapped paying for tuition. What don’t you get?

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Most internships have connections to other interns and house them together like a college dorm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in Alexandria (Rosemont) and Braddock Road Metro is about a 10 minute walk away. We have a spare bedroom that has its own bathroom. We have used it over the years for both my parents and my wife's parents as a mini apartment. Both are still quite physically active and retired so they'd visit for two week stretches and take advanatge of the easy and cheap access into DC. It's honestly ideal for guests.

My wife's best friend from college lives in Denver and has a daughter who will be a rising senior in college this summer. She has 'won' a 'prestigeous' internship in DC. My wife's friend, DH and daughter have stayed with us in the past and know this set up would be ideal for her daughter this summer. So, she asked if we'd host her for 10 weeks. Not a single thing was mentioned about compensation.

I don't want her here. I don't want the hassle and drama (she is a bit of a partyer) and honestly, I don't really want just the inconveinance. My wife isn't excited about the idea but is way more open to it then I am.

My question is this:

If you were the mom of the intern, would you be offended if we declined? And if you were offended, why did you not approach this more as a transaction a la "Hey, Ava has that internship this summer and she'd love to stay with you (and enjoy your excellent cooking!) but we know that is a hassle, so, could we barter? You can use our apartment in Vail anytime you want. Deal?"

It’s rude and unfair to ask anyone to host anyone for 10 weeks. If they say yes, it’s a headache for them and if they say no, they are in awkward position, even souring the relationship forever.

They are only in an awkward position if they say no because it’s a very reasonable request. It feels awkward because they deny a service they could easily afford to offer. This is being selfish.
No one would be in an awkward position if they deny something they can’t reasonably afford to offer. If they were being asked for example to give $10m, they wouldn’t be in an awkward position for saying no.

One bed apartments go for $3000 a month in this area of Alexandria. There is absolutely nothing 'reasonable' about asking a friend for something that is worth $10,000.

But, thanks for the laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are hotels, hostels, Airbnbs,Wymo/Uber/Lyft services, food delivery, Instacart, restaurants, instacart, phones with mapping services, 911, etc available so no adult has to crash anywhere inconveniencing another adult. I wouldn't unless its too expensive for me to pay. In that case, kid would take a local internship. We are used to living within our means.

It’s a college student. They are poor. The parent is probably strapped paying for tuition. What don’t you get?

Uh,,, OP is probably paying their own kid's tuition. You think the freeloading beypotch is the only one with bills???

[Anonymous]

If someone was a BF in college and now has a 20 year old kid, then they were college BF 20 odd years ago. They live elsewhere. It's not clear how close these couples are.
It's a big and manipulative ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, some of these posters don’t have children in college. When you get an internship in another city, securing housing for this limited time period is very difficult. The friend took the easy way first and called the OP hoping for a 1 and done. If the OP responds negatively, the friend and her child need keep looking. For the record, local colleges will rent out dorm space to students on internships. While not glamorous, this option would probably be the easiest. You only need bedding and your clothes.

OP mentioned her cooking. I would not want to be responsible for feeding this person for months.

We live in a large house and have 3 spare bedrooms. I think I would consider letting someone stay in our basement. It has its own entrance and bar down there. I wouldn’t even like that because I don’t let my kids take food downstairs.

I also like to turn the alarm on and whenever we have guests, I don’t want them to set the alarm off so we usually keep it off.

I have a teen who had an internship is another city. I rented him an apt. We had friends but we would never ask them since apts are smallish in that city.

Ok so you are a rich selfish miser. Poor people would let her stay and let her sleep anywhere she can find including the couch or floor

If someone is staying with you for 10 weeks, you quite obviously give them the alarm code. If this is your objections, you are just looking for reasons to say no (and that will be obvious to your friends).

I have three kids. Every night I turn the alarm on at 9pm. Our home makes sounds if the door opens and our master bedroom makes sounds when the alarm is turned off and on. This may sound like an excuse to you but this is how we sleep. If there was a 20 something year old coming in and out of the house, it would be very disruptive of our lifestyle. I had extra sensors put on our upstairs windows so I’m alerted when anyone even opens a window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are hotels, hostels, Airbnbs,Wymo/Uber/Lyft services, food delivery, Instacart, restaurants, instacart, phones with mapping services, 911, etc available so no adult has to crash anywhere inconveniencing another adult. I wouldn't unless its too expensive for me to pay. In that case, kid would take a local internship. We are used to living within our means.

It’s a college student. They are poor. The parent is probably strapped paying for tuition. What don’t you get?

Can OP not be poor? Why are OP's funds up for grab but the college kid's family's funds aren't?