SAHM with a second on the way. Need more help!

[Anonymous]

Op, the term you are looking for is SAHW. That's what you are.

[Anonymous]

I hope it's just one very cranky person posting over and over.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why everyone is being so rude. You do you, OP.

I have a toddler and an infant and I think evening help during the newborn stage makes a lot of sense. Some backup during witching hour especially. Like maybe 5-7 on weekdays. My husband also has long hours and I’m home alone. Those first few months were brutal. A babysitter can either take baby and do bedtime or get the toddler fed and bathed for bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a little odd to hire staff so you can do hobbies when you have a newborn and a toddler. But in any event, if as you said earlier what you want really is help with laundry, cleaning, cooking in the evenings, why not try laundry service, house cleaner (or pay them extra to add on laundry) and a meal delivery service - tons of options.

I never said I would be doing hobbies lol. I said I would hire extra help for house chores during the first 6-12 weeks of postpartum.

Yes the meal service and house cleaning/ laundry service is a great option. That could be less expensive than getting someone to do all three.

Oh I see- looks like someone else is pretending to be you and mentioned hobbies and confused things. In that case given what you are trying to cover I’d definitely outsource these tasks if you think they will otherwise pile up. You don’t necessarily want to have to crank out the chores if/when your sitter comes from 5-7 and you are frazzled. Consider also if friends want to pop by to be another set of hands or expand your mom group. My DH also traveled a lot in this phase and it can be a lot if your are the only adult for an extended time - still though it was so lovely and fleeting

[Anonymous]

Wow you guys are a lot of bitter little b!ches because a stay at home mom wants to get help. I don't understand the idea that because you had to struggle you need to be angry at anyone else who doesn't struggle as much as you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you guys are a lot of bitter little b!ches because a stay at home mom wants to get help. I don't understand the idea that because you had to struggle you need to be angry at anyone else who doesn't struggle as much as you

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t be a SAHM if you need that much hired help. Just work. I stayed at home for 10 years with 3 kids and a spouse who traveled weekly. No hired help. I just can’t believe you think you need that much help with two kids when you don’t work.

So you’re saying you had zero help. Even no family help?

Zero paid or regular help with childcare. 1 x month cleaning lady. When family would visit they’d help but that wasn’t often. I relied on friends if I had a Dr appt and spouse was out of town. I did do part-time morning preschool around age 3 for each kid. I don’t think this is only the way to do it, but the amount of help OP is describing is nuts for a SAHM. Just seems pointless to stay at home if you want to farm that many hours a week of childcare.

It’s all relative. My mom had zero help as an immigrant in the 70’s. She didn’t speak English, didn’t have a cleaning lady, my dad was working 90 h a week, no family in the country, and no local community of fellow immigrants. She took care of two of us and also a third kid to make extra money. I had a full time live in nanny as a sahm while living as an expat in Asia. Guess who was so happy for me? My mom. Then we moved to ny, and we decided to not have a nanny, and get an afternoon babysitter to help me take two kids to two different activities after school.

The norm for childcare really varies, so do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM with two grown kids. Here is what I did - when my kids were little, I was overwhelmed. DH explained to me that the benefit of having a SAHM is that everything is managed well - household, stress level, childcare etc. My job was not to save my DH money by doing everything myself. My job was manage and delegate well so everyone in the family was looked after well - including myself.

My 3 yr old needed socialization but every single playgroup or day care I checked seemed like a miserable place to be. Also, no one wanted to provide quality childcare for occasional use. I had visited and loved a Montessori in the area, but they only offered full day classes. So, I ended up paying for the full day (5 days a week) for two years. My kiddo went, when he wanted to go. He got up, when he wanted to get up in the morning. He went to play with his friends and he had a blast. Sometimes, when I had appointments or when I was ill etc - he went for the full day.

Best money spent. Oh, did I also mention that partly because of the early Montessori exposure, he continued to be a high achiever throughout K-12, became a magnet kid and then went to college for free?

So, screw the people who are telling you that you must be miserable as a SAHM. My DH is the one who told me that moms like to be miserable martyrs, because no man who is a SAH dad would hesitate to put support structure of domestic staff and back up plans in place, regardless of what it cost. So, please think like a SAHD. Please get whatever the hell support you need. Especially with a toddler and a baby. And spend the money on this problem.

You gave birth to two wonderful kids. You don't need to prove anything to the world. You are the best mom in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM with two grown kids. Here is what I did - when my kids were little, I was overwhelmed. DH explained to me that the benefit of having a SAHM is that everything is managed well - household, stress level, childcare etc. My job was not to save my DH money by doing everything myself. My job was manage and delegate well so everyone in the family was looked after well - including myself.

My 3 yr old needed socialization but every single playgroup or day care I checked seemed like a miserable place to be. Also, no one wanted to provide quality childcare for occasional use. I had visited and loved a Montessori in the area, but they only offered full day classes. So, I ended up paying for the full day (5 days a week) for two years. My kiddo went, when he wanted to go. He got up, when he wanted to get up in the morning. He went to play with his friends and he had a blast. Sometimes, when I had appointments or when I was ill etc - he went for the full day.

Best money spent. Oh, did I also mention that partly because of the early Montessori exposure, he continued to be a high achiever throughout K-12, became a magnet kid and then went to college for free?

So, screw the people who are telling you that you must be miserable as a SAHM. My DH is the one who told me that moms like to be miserable martyrs, because no man who is a SAH dad would hesitate to put support structure of domestic staff and back up plans in place, regardless of what it cost. So, please think like a SAHD. Please get whatever the hell support you need. Especially with a toddler and a baby. And spend the money on this problem.

You gave birth to two wonderful kids. You don't need to prove anything to the world. You are the best mom in the world.

In case it was not clear, my child went for only a couple hours, on the days that he wanted to meet his friends, and whenever he got up and was ready. The Montessori was used like an occasional childcare... After a while, he really started to like it and wanted to go more often and for longer hours. If we were not doing other fun things things - museums, park, shopping, visiting relatives, going to the zoo, swimming, gardening etc - then he wanted to go to the school. Also, the school wanted the kids to be toilet trained, and my kid was trained but could not wipe himself. So, there was no way I was sending him to school unless he had pooped at home. We never reached before 10:30AM in the morning to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people are intentionally being mean. But OP comes off as wealthy and a bit spoiled and most traditional SAHMs cannot relate. Many of us stayed home and had zero help on a regular basis so cannot relate to someone who already has a nanny for one child and is looking for more outsourcing as she adds a second.

Other than having someone occasionally help with the house work and covering for a medical appt, I don’t know why as a SAHM I would need so much assistance with my kids. But like the PPs, when I SAH when our kids were little they were my full time job and I was ok with that.

I disagree. I am a traditional SAHM and have come from a long line of traditional SAHMs and I can relate to OP.

First of all, in my Asian culture - 40 days postpartum you are waited upon hand and foot by others - so that you can heal. This is regardless of if you have money or not. You could hire someone to do the work for you, or your family helps you for this. My mom and DH helped me for 40 days, with occasional part time help.

Secondly, my DH wanted our kids to have a happy, educated and present mom. My education and time would be wasted if I was using it to clean the floors and cook instead of being with my kids. Or if doing these chores took away time from exercising or if it made me too tired.

My kids are grown now and we are quasi empty-nesters. I still have my weekly cleaning lady and part time cook. There is zero reason for me to not have help. And yes, I am plenty active and busy. When my adult children drop in or stay with us for weeks on end - no one is stressed. I can entertain, I can have house guests, I can celebrate holidays - without stress.

Go and get more help. You have money and nobody has any right to tell you how to use it. Spending money on outsourcing chores or services will save you money on all kinds of therapy and divorce. This is the best use of your money in this life...after your basics are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you guys are a lot of bitter little b!ches because a stay at home mom wants to get help. I don't understand the idea that because you had to struggle you need to be angry at anyone else who doesn't struggle as much as you

+1
This is not just bitterness and envy...it is also a sense of entitlement. Their rage comes from someone else having a better life instead of them.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be embarrassed to use money to make your life easier. I got full time help when I was pregnant with my 1st. When I had my second, my husband was traveling 4 days a week so I added nighttime and weekend help. Have you thought of hiring live in help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t be a SAHM if you need that much hired help. Just work. I stayed at home for 10 years with 3 kids and a spouse who traveled weekly. No hired help. I just can’t believe you think you need that much help with two kids when you don’t work.

Not everyone was raised on a farm.

DH and I were raised in homes that had domestic staff. So, we have found it worth our money to have help. When we were starting out and did not make enough money, then we did not have help. When we made enough money, we paid for help.

If it makes you feel better - we only have two kids, no pets, and we don't smoke, drink or do drugs. No hair extensions. No fake nails. No tattoos. No strip clubs. No gambling. No AM accounts. No alimony. No child support. No IVF. No divorce. No botox. No plastic surgery. No designer bags. No mink coats. No prozac. No ozempic.

There -- we saved money to spend on outsourcing chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you guys are a lot of bitter little b!ches because a stay at home mom wants to get help. I don't understand the idea that because you had to struggle you need to be angry at anyone else who doesn't struggle as much as you

As a SAHP I think its excessive to have a nanny all day and part or all of the night plus other help. Your kids need your time. Many of us did it fine without help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow you guys are a lot of bitter little b!ches because a stay at home mom wants to get help. I don't understand the idea that because you had to struggle you need to be angry at anyone else who doesn't struggle as much as you

As a SAHP I think its excessive to have a nanny all day and part or all of the night plus other help. Your kids need your time. Many of us did it fine without help.

Nope you didn't. You raised shitty kids. You are shitty people. Most of you did not go to college. 50% of you voted for Trump. Most of you are overweight. 50% of you are or will be divorced. Y'all are immune to gun violence. Dying like flies from opioid crisis. Racist AF. Your schools suck. Your kids are illiterate. Y'all are unhappy and broke. Your future is dim.

lol what. It’s quite the opposite over here, our NW is very high.