Name calling you are willing to accept

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

That's a stupid stereotype some people like because it allows them to rationalize their bad behavior. There are many marriages where neither partner insults or demeans the other, at all, ever. Without having an affair or a second family. These are not "the most damaged" relationships, trust me. Expect better, of yourself and your supposed loved ones.

I’m just telling you what I’ve seen, so not sure what you’re getting so hot about. Of course yelling is not ideal, but it’s also not the worst thing ever, and expressing your feelings is normal and healthy. I’ve told my husband he’s being an ass a bunch of times, and to F off. He’s done similar a few times, and you know what? As long as we make up and talk things out, I’m ok with it and certainly don’t consider it abusive. I’m not scared of dh, the thought is laughable. We both come from stereotypical fiesty ethnic backgrounds. I find your assumption that everyone has to be the same very parochial and myopic.

I’d much rather have dh tell me I’m being a B when he’s upset than for him to try to squash it down and let it smolder. And that seems to be what happens with many couples.

If you can't express your feelings without yelling, name calling and general verbal abuse, you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

This post couldn't come at a better time. I'm considering the d word because have been told to "f you" a few times the last week and the b word (a boundary cross for me as a woman) about once monthly (f u b this morning) for the last 6 months. This is something I would break up with a boyfriend over when we were dating and this person didn't show these signs or do this pre-marriage. I feel so disrespected, belittled, and repulsed emotionally and physically. Do I leave? (Child.) Isn't that a sign of a low-class fighter? I point out "When you do X I feel Y" and they say I did things to cause it and started the problem and they reacted; they do it to get my attention and make me stop. Can you please help? I'm struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have an unhealthy relationship. He is verbally abusive and cruel. Yes, I am planning to leave him.

In response to something he did, I lowered myself to his level and called him a f****** sack of sh*t.

I had never called him names before. His humiliating and cruel behavior has always been behind closed doors. He is charming in public, of course.

In this instance, he stormed into the home office while I was on a critical call with the CEO of a partner company, an employee, and two of my own employees. He did it twice to go off on me because my call ran long and he didn’t know what the dinner plans were. The second time, he stormed in to get his laptop and did it in a way the was visible he was angry. He did all this …while I was presenting. Everyone saw. Everyone saw his angry face. Heard his angry words.

Both of my employees called me immediately after concerned for me.

So yeah, once I gathered myself, I stormed up to where he was and unleashed a level of fury that I had never done before.

can’t wait to have my freedom.

This is obviously abusive

Is it? Apparently you think it's totally fine for a husband to cuss out his wife. You just don't like it when there are witnesses? You prefer the abuse to be in secret???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post couldn't come at a better time. I'm considering the d word because have been told to "f you" a few times the last week and the b word (a boundary cross for me as a woman) about once monthly (f u b this morning) for the last 6 months. This is something I would break up with a boyfriend over when we were dating and this person didn't show these signs or do this pre-marriage. I feel so disrespected, belittled, and repulsed emotionally and physically. Do I leave? (Child.) Isn't that a sign of a low-class fighter? I point out "When you do X I feel Y" and they say I did things to cause it and started the problem and they reacted; they do it to get my attention and make me stop. Can you please help? I'm struggling.

There are no easy answers. But staying with an abuser shows your child that a) this is an acceptable way to treat their spouse and b) they don't deserve better if their spouse happens to be like this. Children tend to emulate the relationships of their parents, so an abusive relationship will be what they are unknowingly drawn to. It's dangerous for you, but dangerous for their future.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is to marry what you can handle. For most normal couples, occasional arguments even some heated ones are fine, name calling is crossing the limit. Also don't provoke your spouse, learn to manage your own behavior as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

Wh0re when he’s behind me in bed…😈

[Anonymous]

Whoa. None of them unless you find it a turn on or it’s a pet name. How disrespectful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Sounds like you have gaslit yourself into thinking it is ok to be treated poorly by your partner. Saying it is better than being cheated on is wild. You don't have to pick either!

[Anonymous]

I am an adult and can disagree without name calling.

If you're getting that mad about something it means you are not compatible and should not be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Sounds like you have gaslit yourself into thinking it is ok to be treated poorly by your partner. Saying it is better than being cheated on is wild. You don't have to pick either!

Good point. Victims often gaslight or condition themselves into believing "this is normal", "everyone does this", "there's nothing better/no alternatives".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced mentally healthy person yell, call someone names, or 'go crazy'.
Bad behavior makes me get the heck out first now and then maybe wonder why they did what they did.
I survived two such partners. This 'we are all different' and I that need to somehow work with their SN or trauma, is a no.

+1000