Name calling you are willing to accept

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say for me, it depends on what was done. Like, did you sleep with his best friend? It’s not ideal, but also what are the circumstances.

To say never and pearl clutch, makes me think you and/or your spouse live pretty cushy lives without much stress. People with poverty, mental illness, family stress, physical illness etc in the family may go through intense moments of stress… couple any of that with addictions, cheating, etc and you might see something different.

Everyone has stress in their lives. Everyone is human.
What’s more likely is that people just don’t really display a lot of emotion, keep things under wraps, and don’t ever discuss issues that might upset the other person.
I mean, there are literally people on this board saying that they are sexless but otherwise happy. Or that they or their spouse are having an affair but they are in an otherwise good marriage.
If you make avoiding conflict the top priority in your relationship, you really can just never fight. If you both agree to it, you can literally deflect and ignore any problems that you have until one of you dies.

Fighting and certainly disagreeing does not require name-calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

I learned, from my parents who were happily married for over fifty years, that people can disagree without raising their voices and def not calling each other names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

That's a stupid stereotype some people like because it allows them to rationalize their bad behavior. There are many marriages where neither partner insults or demeans the other, at all, ever. Without having an affair or a second family. These are not "the most damaged" relationships, trust me. Expect better, of yourself and your supposed loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

+1. Focusing on calling the DH stupid (or not) in this scenario is just a distraction from the actual issue.

I’m sorry, but obviously there are multiple other parties involved. I didn’t just decide that DS has SN and submit IEPs on my own for the last 7 years.
For a bunch of reasons having to do with his own childhood and his own guilt and work ethic, DH is really struggling with the fact that DS has SN, and it is really frustrating for me and for DS because it makes it harder to move forward with any intervention.

I don’t see how that isn’t the issue. What to you think the actual issue is?

[Anonymous]

We have an unhealthy relationship. He is verbally abusive and cruel. Yes, I am planning to leave him.

In response to something he did, I lowered myself to his level and called him a f****** sack of sh*t.

I had never called him names before. His humiliating and cruel behavior has always been behind closed doors. He is charming in public, of course.

In this instance, he stormed into the home office while I was on a critical call with the CEO of a partner company, an employee, and two of my own employees. He did it twice to go off on me because my call ran long and he didn’t know what the dinner plans were. The second time, he stormed in to get his laptop and did it in a way the was visible he was angry. He did all this …while I was presenting. Everyone saw. Everyone saw his angry face. Heard his angry words.

Both of my employees called me immediately after concerned for me.

So yeah, once I gathered myself, I stormed up to where he was and unleashed a level of fury that I had never done before.

can’t wait to have my freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

That's a stupid stereotype some people like because it allows them to rationalize their bad behavior. There are many marriages where neither partner insults or demeans the other, at all, ever. Without having an affair or a second family. These are not "the most damaged" relationships, trust me. Expect better, of yourself and your supposed loved ones.

I’m just telling you what I’ve seen, so not sure what you’re getting so hot about. Of course yelling is not ideal, but it’s also not the worst thing ever, and expressing your feelings is normal and healthy. I’ve told my husband he’s being an ass a bunch of times, and to F off. He’s done similar a few times, and you know what? As long as we make up and talk things out, I’m ok with it and certainly don’t consider it abusive. I’m not scared of dh, the thought is laughable. We both come from stereotypical fiesty ethnic backgrounds. I find your assumption that everyone has to be the same very parochial and myopic.

I’d much rather have dh tell me I’m being a B when he’s upset than for him to try to squash it down and let it smolder. And that seems to be what happens with many couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an unhealthy relationship. He is verbally abusive and cruel. Yes, I am planning to leave him.

In response to something he did, I lowered myself to his level and called him a f****** sack of sh*t.

I had never called him names before. His humiliating and cruel behavior has always been behind closed doors. He is charming in public, of course.

In this instance, he stormed into the home office while I was on a critical call with the CEO of a partner company, an employee, and two of my own employees. He did it twice to go off on me because my call ran long and he didn’t know what the dinner plans were. The second time, he stormed in to get his laptop and did it in a way the was visible he was angry. He did all this …while I was presenting. Everyone saw. Everyone saw his angry face. Heard his angry words.

Both of my employees called me immediately after concerned for me.

So yeah, once I gathered myself, I stormed up to where he was and unleashed a level of fury that I had never done before.

can’t wait to have my freedom.

This is obviously abusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

I learned, from my parents who were happily married for over fifty years, that people can disagree without raising their voices and def not calling each other names.

+1

To think that you need to yell at each other in order to have a healthy relationship is disordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

+1. Focusing on calling the DH stupid (or not) in this scenario is just a distraction from the actual issue.

I’m sorry, but obviously there are multiple other parties involved. I didn’t just decide that DS has SN and submit IEPs on my own for the last 7 years.
For a bunch of reasons having to do with his own childhood and his own guilt and work ethic, DH is really struggling with the fact that DS has SN, and it is really frustrating for me and for DS because it makes it harder to move forward with any intervention.

I don’t see how that isn’t the issue. What to you think the actual issue is?

I'm not the PP you're responding to (I'm a PP above), but I think the point they're making is that your issue is the above, exactly as you stated it. If, instead, you just said your husband was stupid, rather than getting to the root cause of the problem, you would be creating a side fight with name calling and hurt feelings that was distracting both of you from what you really need to focus on, which is as you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say for me, it depends on what was done. Like, did you sleep with his best friend? It’s not ideal, but also what are the circumstances.

To say never and pearl clutch, makes me think you and/or your spouse live pretty cushy lives without much stress. People with poverty, mental illness, family stress, physical illness etc in the family may go through intense moments of stress… couple any of that with addictions, cheating, etc and you might see something different.

Everyone has stress in their lives. Everyone is human.
What’s more likely is that people just don’t really display a lot of emotion, keep things under wraps, and don’t ever discuss issues that might upset the other person.
I mean, there are literally people on this board saying that they are sexless but otherwise happy. Or that they or their spouse are having an affair but they are in an otherwise good marriage.
If you make avoiding conflict the top priority in your relationship, you really can just never fight. If you both agree to it, you can literally deflect and ignore any problems that you have until one of you dies.

Fighting and certainly disagreeing does not require name-calling.

No, it doesn’t. But the point is that every marriage and relationship has its imperfections, and as long as the fights are balanced and not abusive (like the example above), telling your partner they’re being a prick/ass/B or whatever is not that big of a deal. I’m not a snowflake. My dh and I talk things out, but we definitely have each had our hot moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

That's a stupid stereotype some people like because it allows them to rationalize their bad behavior. There are many marriages where neither partner insults or demeans the other, at all, ever. Without having an affair or a second family. These are not "the most damaged" relationships, trust me. Expect better, of yourself and your supposed loved ones.

I’m just telling you what I’ve seen, so not sure what you’re getting so hot about. Of course yelling is not ideal, but it’s also not the worst thing ever, and expressing your feelings is normal and healthy. I’ve told my husband he’s being an ass a bunch of times, and to F off. He’s done similar a few times, and you know what? As long as we make up and talk things out, I’m ok with it and certainly don’t consider it abusive. I’m not scared of dh, the thought is laughable. We both come from stereotypical fiesty ethnic backgrounds. I find your assumption that everyone has to be the same very parochial and myopic.

I’d much rather have dh tell me I’m being a B when he’s upset than for him to try to squash it down and let it smolder. And that seems to be what happens with many couples.

You're missing the point. Couldn't he also use normal words (and a normal tone of voice) to explain to you why he's upset instead of resorting to yelling names? Or in your world are the two options screaming obscenities or sweeping things under the rug?

[Anonymous]

I have never experienced mentally healthy person yell, call someone names, or 'go crazy'.
Bad behavior makes me get the heck out first now and then maybe wonder why they did what they did.
I survived two such partners. This 'we are all different' and I that need to somehow work with their SN or trauma, is a no.

[Anonymous]

I cursed at my husband a handful of times in the months after discovering his second affair. He would call me abusive.

Maybe I am, but only under extreme stress. Normally, I’m a very kind person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

Right, everyone who doesn't yell profanities at their spouse has a secret family or is gay

Your life must be incredibly sad if you're trying to convince everyone that yelling and name calling is the "better" option. Yikes on a bike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

That's a stupid stereotype some people like because it allows them to rationalize their bad behavior. There are many marriages where neither partner insults or demeans the other, at all, ever. Without having an affair or a second family. These are not "the most damaged" relationships, trust me. Expect better, of yourself and your supposed loved ones.

Yes! So transparent from these people. Abusers protecting abusers and trying to convince the victims that it's totes NBD.