Name calling you are willing to accept

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

+1. Focusing on calling the DH stupid (or not) in this scenario is just a distraction from the actual issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None, but I couldn’t live in a relationship with regular “fights” where things are heated like that. Upset, sure, but name calling? No.

And I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I couldn’t tell my husband that he’s acting like a jerk when he’s acting like a jerk .

It really depends on what works for you, OP. You need to set your own boundaries. If something bothers you, then it bothers you. It doesn’t matter what other people do.

“You’re acting like a jerk” is different from “you’re a jerk.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

Why are you with someone who abuses you? This is verbal abuse. You deserve better! You do NOT deserve to be spoken to like this. Please leave this person, they are not safe for you.

There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you. Please take care of yourself.

You don’t deserve anything. You earn everything.
If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that.

So everyone who has been assaulted, battered, murdered, etc. earned that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None, but I couldn’t live in a relationship with regular “fights” where things are heated like that. Upset, sure, but name calling? No.

And I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I couldn’t tell my husband that he’s acting like a jerk when he’s acting like a jerk .

It really depends on what works for you, OP. You need to set your own boundaries. If something bothers you, then it bothers you. It doesn’t matter what other people do.

I feel being told "you are acting like a jerk" is different from being called "a jerk"

So for me. No name calling at all. Being told my behavior is unacceptable is something different. Not that I like that either, but in context it might be OK.

Maybe, but either way it's still useless. Using a name like that doesn't actually do anything to further the conversation. "Acting like a jerk" could mean a million things. So if your purpose in having a conversation is to resolve things, there's no use in calling names. Instead, identify the behavior and its effects in a useful way. If the purpose is to be hurtful, well then ask yourself why you're wanting to hurt someone. Not a relationship I'd want to be in, romantically or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

Why are you with someone who abuses you? This is verbal abuse. You deserve better! You do NOT deserve to be spoken to like this. Please leave this person, they are not safe for you.

There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you. Please take care of yourself.

You don’t deserve anything. You earn everything.
If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that.

And this is precisely the man you DON'T want to date op.

"There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you."
This man: "You don’t deserve anything. If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that"

May this type of love never find me <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

Why are you with someone who abuses you? This is verbal abuse. You deserve better! You do NOT deserve to be spoken to like this. Please leave this person, they are not safe for you.

There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you. Please take care of yourself.

You don’t deserve anything. You earn everything.
If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that.

And this is precisely the man you DON'T want to date op.

"There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you."
This man: "You don’t deserve anything. If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that"

May this type of love never find me <3

Amen! A man who doesn't think every human deserves respect is not a man at all. He is a coward and a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

Why are you with someone who abuses you? This is verbal abuse. You deserve better! You do NOT deserve to be spoken to like this. Please leave this person, they are not safe for you.

There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you. Please take care of yourself.

You don’t deserve anything. You earn everything.
If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that.

And this is precisely the man you DON'T want to date op.

"There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you."
This man: "You don’t deserve anything. If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that"

May this type of love never find me <3

Amen! A man who doesn't think every human deserves respect is not a man at all. He is a coward and a loser.

Right? I'm guessing he is single and confused as to why he can't keep a woman. It's truly a mystery why women no longer want to date men like this and they are getting left in the genealogical dust. There was a podcast recently that said incels are going through a genocide. Many people said that's just survival of the fittest/evolution. If men can't evolve to be kind, caring people that women want to date, they won't pass on their genes. Good riddance I say.

[Anonymous]

We’re excluding the bedroom, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None, but I couldn’t live in a relationship with regular “fights” where things are heated like that. Upset, sure, but name calling? No.

And I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I couldn’t tell my husband that he’s acting like a jerk when he’s acting like a jerk .

It really depends on what works for you, OP. You need to set your own boundaries. If something bothers you, then it bothers you. It doesn’t matter what other people do.

I feel being told "you are acting like a jerk" is different from being called "a jerk"

So for me. No name calling at all. Being told my behavior is unacceptable is something different. Not that I like that either, but in context it might be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say for me, it depends on what was done. Like, did you sleep with his best friend? It’s not ideal, but also what are the circumstances.

To say never and pearl clutch, makes me think you and/or your spouse live pretty cushy lives without much stress. People with poverty, mental illness, family stress, physical illness etc in the family may go through intense moments of stress… couple any of that with addictions, cheating, etc and you might see something different.

Everyone has stress in their lives. Everyone is human.
What’s more likely is that people just don’t really display a lot of emotion, keep things under wraps, and don’t ever discuss issues that might upset the other person.
I mean, there are literally people on this board saying that they are sexless but otherwise happy. Or that they or their spouse are having an affair but they are in an otherwise good marriage.
If you make avoiding conflict the top priority in your relationship, you really can just never fight. If you both agree to it, you can literally deflect and ignore any problems that you have until one of you dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say for me, it depends on what was done. Like, did you sleep with his best friend? It’s not ideal, but also what are the circumstances.

To say never and pearl clutch, makes me think you and/or your spouse live pretty cushy lives without much stress. People with poverty, mental illness, family stress, physical illness etc in the family may go through intense moments of stress… couple any of that with addictions, cheating, etc and you might see something different.

Everyone has stress in their lives. Everyone is human.
What’s more likely is that people just don’t really display a lot of emotion, keep things under wraps, and don’t ever discuss issues that might upset the other person.
I mean, there are literally people on this board saying that they are sexless but otherwise happy. Or that they or their spouse are having an affair but they are in an otherwise good marriage.
If you make avoiding conflict the top priority in your relationship, you really can just never fight. If you both agree to it, you can literally deflect and ignore any problems that you have until one of you dies.

What on earth? Of course everyone has stress in their lives, but that doesn't mean it's ok to call someone a name. I curse quite a bit when I'm talking but I don't curse AT people and I don't call people names. I'm currently under an incredible amount of stress but I don't call people names. I display a lot of emotion but I don't call people names. I discuss issues that can be upsetting all the time but I don't call people names.

I don't avoid conflict at all, I actually seek to resolve it. And that's probably why I don't call people names, because it doesn't help deal with conflict at all, it just makes it worse. Having a conversation with someone who calls you names is like trying to reason with a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Zero. OP when you find yourself self-negotiating over how far to lower the behavioral bar it’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero. OP when you find yourself self-negotiating over how far to lower the behavioral bar it’s over.

I like this quote. And agree with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Ditto. And I learned long ago that the relationships where no one ever raises their voice ever are usually the most damaged. That’s the husband with a second family across town. The wife who is having an affair with a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re excluding the bedroom, right?

lol there are some valid excuses