Name calling you are willing to accept

[Anonymous]

None.

I cannot imagine my DH calling me a c%$# or a b*&($. I literally cannot picture him doing it. In 20 years we have never engaged in any name calling.

But it's not something I would put up with, and I wouldn't have married anyone who would do it. I grew up with my mother and stepfather constantly insulting one another and I wanted nothing to do with a life like that. A marriage in which people don't respect each other is a very bad thing. And name calling? That is failing to respect each other. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

I guess that’s fair. Frankly, I will do what I want to and DH can deal. No third party needed. I know that I’m right.
But don’t you just get mad sometimes?

PP here. I ABSOLUTELY get mad sometimes. And I absolutely want to scream at my husband sometimes. I just don't, because I don't think it's productive and I think calling each other names is only going to lead to hurt feelings and resentment and I don't want to go down that path. I will say, I've never fundamentally disagreed with my husband to the level you are talking about, so I will not say I know what I'd do in your shoes. And I have raised my voice at him before when I'm frustrated and I don't think he's listening, but I have never once called him a name or said something hurtful. This is true for everyone I know - I will say the truth (i.e. I told my friend I disagreed with her decision to cheat on her spouse, I've told my kids I'm disappointed in their choices, etc.) even when the truth may hurt, but I do not call names or say hurtful things because I am not the kind of person who would get over that easily. I know some people are fine screaming names at each other and then acting like there's no issue. That's just not for me, so I don't do it, and I am not in a relationship with or friends with people who would do so either.

That’s fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

No name calling. Period. Did you marry him with his questionable vocabulary or were these words added later? No decent man or woman would do it to anyone let alone their own spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Come on, are these really *that* bad?

Yes. Stop calling your spouse, or really any woman, these names.

You've got to roll with the punches. Laugh and the while world laughs with you.

[Anonymous]

Y'all are a bunch of pussies.

[Anonymous]

If you are behaving like one, don't be surprised when you get called one. Seems like you want to do whatever you want, get away with it, and then be free from criticism.

Nope. Not in my house. If you act the fool, I'll call you a fool. And if you double down, I'll humuilate your ass in front of everyone.

Cheers Jane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are behaving like one, don't be surprised when you get called one. Seems like you want to do whatever you want, get away with it, and then be free from criticism.

Nope. Not in my house. If you act the fool, I'll call you a fool. And if you double down, I'll humuilate your ass in front of everyone.

Cheers Jane.

This is one of those times that I am reminded how very differently some people live their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are behaving like one, don't be surprised when you get called one. Seems like you want to do whatever you want, get away with it, and then be free from criticism.

Nope. Not in my house. If you act the fool, I'll call you a fool. And if you double down, I'll humuilate your ass in front of everyone.

Cheers Jane.

This is one of those times that I am reminded how very differently some people live their lives.

Check yourself. There are very many people out there who have, literally, zero qualms with absolutely obliterating the lives of those that harmed them. Cross them with extreme caution. Can't stress this enough.

[Anonymous]

I would say for me, it depends on what was done. Like, did you sleep with his best friend? It’s not ideal, but also what are the circumstances.

To say never and pearl clutch, makes me think you and/or your spouse live pretty cushy lives without much stress. People with poverty, mental illness, family stress, physical illness etc in the family may go through intense moments of stress… couple any of that with addictions, cheating, etc and you might see something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are behaving like one, don't be surprised when you get called one. Seems like you want to do whatever you want, get away with it, and then be free from criticism.

Nope. Not in my house. If you act the fool, I'll call you a fool. And if you double down, I'll humuilate your ass in front of everyone.

Cheers Jane.

Wow. Thank god my husband likes me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None? That sounds the healthiest obviously.

Names back and forth in a fight?

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Worse, which I won’t spell out and actually I’m not sure but maybe I’m not super imaginative .

Why are you with someone who abuses you? This is verbal abuse. You deserve better! You do NOT deserve to be spoken to like this. Please leave this person, they are not safe for you.

There are men who won't call you names. There are men who will love and respect you. Please take care of yourself.

You don’t deserve anything. You earn everything.
If you are a C*nT or a B*&cH, I’ll you that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are behaving like one, don't be surprised when you get called one. Seems like you want to do whatever you want, get away with it, and then be free from criticism.

Nope. Not in my house. If you act the fool, I'll call you a fool. And if you double down, I'll humuilate your ass in front of everyone.

Cheers Jane.

This is one of those times that I am reminded how very differently some people live their lives.

Check yourself. There are very many people out there who have, literally, zero qualms with absolutely obliterating the lives of those that harmed them. Cross them with extreme caution. Can't stress this enough.

lol ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm okay with reciprocity. If I can dish it out, I can take it, and vice versa. I'd much rather have language than cheating, financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. I swear, so I'm okay with swearing.

I learned a long time ago to listen to the message and not the mess so I don't tone police people. They speak the way they speak, especially when they're angry. It's not even about me, so why take it personally? Someone who uses hot language when they're angry is angry. Someone who calls me a c*nt when they're just hanging around? That, I might walk away from. The only basis in that case is a foundational disrespect. But when angry? Language is a way to vent energy, and I can accept that.

Venting anger actually makes anger worse. name calling in an argument is a sign of the level of the person’s anger and their disinhibition with taking it out on you. I have put up with a lot (prior to divorce) but name calling is one thing I didn’t encounter and would not accept. “You’re acting like a jerk” is not name calling in my book though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None, but I couldn’t live in a relationship with regular “fights” where things are heated like that. Upset, sure, but name calling? No.

And I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I couldn’t tell my husband that he’s acting like a jerk when he’s acting like a jerk .

It really depends on what works for you, OP. You need to set your own boundaries. If something bothers you, then it bothers you. It doesn’t matter what other people do.

I feel being told "you are acting like a jerk" is different from being called "a jerk"

So for me. No name calling at all. Being told my behavior is unacceptable is something different. Not that I like that either, but in context it might be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

That’s not about name calling. That is about decisionmaking and you deciding what you will accept and what move you would make. In that scenario I would enroll the kid and find a job - DH can make the next move.