Being Counseled Out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At our kid’s school, kid asked to leave after junior year due to failing a required class. The school’s position was that it didn’t offer it during the summer, it was a core class, and the school requires all core classes to be taken at school taught by school personnel. The school would not let the kid take the class senior year. (The school told me directly. It came up when I asked about having my kid take a class over the summer.) I was shocked. At some schools, it doesn’t take much to be asked to leave. But do call around.

counseling a kid out before junior year for academic reasons like that is horrible. did your kid have violence/drug/absentee/sexual harassment etc history?

Did you even read the post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At our kid’s school, kid asked to leave after junior year due to failing a required class. The school’s position was that it didn’t offer it during the summer, it was a core class, and the school requires all core classes to be taken at school taught by school personnel. The school would not let the kid take the class senior year. (The school told me directly. It came up when I asked about having my kid take a class over the summer.) I was shocked. At some schools, it doesn’t take much to be asked to leave. But do call around.

They kicked out a kid for their senior year of HS?? That is just a sh!!tty thing to do.

It sounds like the kid failed out, essentially. Would it have been kind of the school to compromise in some way? Sure, but they aren’t required to. A graduation requirement is a graduation requirement.

Sounds like the kid failed one class and instead of bringing all the intellectual fire power these schools purportedly possess to bear on a scheduling issue, they just cut the kid loose to sink or swim without their friends or the supposedly support school community. For the college application process. For their senior yr of high school.

Yes, it would have been kind and no, they don’t have to be kind.

But it was, indeed, an awful thing to do to a kid.

I really wish the PP would name the school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The incident in December is probably more problematic than you think. People are paying $$$ for private school to escape the behavior that public school teachers can’t kick out of their classroom.

I bet the other family decided to make a big stink about it. I know from conversations with my relative with a kid in private and my own experience that a lot of this turns on whether the other parent/s decide to gang up on your kid.

Privates can counsel out anytime for any reason. Sidwell is the worst of all the schools. Sidwell also made multiple lives of people with cancer harder. For example, one student had to repeat a year for treatment. The parents asked if the student could at least go to prom with the student’s friends (who did not fall back). The school said no.

If this happened to my kid, I would treat it like any bad relationship my kid were caught up in: I would get my child out quickly. People who put these schools up on pedestals are shallow and short-sighted. They are tools that should be used when they work and discarded when they don’t.

There are schools out there who care about things like kids’ friendships. If you care, pick a school that will consider that before counseling out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At our kid’s school, kid asked to leave after junior year due to failing a required class. The school’s position was that it didn’t offer it during the summer, it was a core class, and the school requires all core classes to be taken at school taught by school personnel. The school would not let the kid take the class senior year. (The school told me directly. It came up when I asked about having my kid take a class over the summer.) I was shocked. At some schools, it doesn’t take much to be asked to leave. But do call around.

They kicked out a kid for their senior year of HS?? That is just a sh!!tty thing to do.

It does happen. And it happens after several years of school working closely with the student and family but the student just can't keep up.

Schools do not do this lightly. They are in a tug of war, they do want to help the kid and the families do want to stay at the school. Many times there's a DEI layer wrapped in so they feel ideologically committed. But then comes that point when it's clear kid will just be failing most classes in Jr and Sr year.

The families do often feel betrayed but it does go both ways as the families could have quickly seen what was happening and cut losses and moved kid to a less competitive school earlier. Which others do all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone trying to decide which schools to apply to, it’s disappointing that no one name schools. Understandable but it seems other families and children could be saved these experiences if they knew how schools handle these situations and which ones to avoid.

I'm not naming the school because they were right. Telling us that my child had more support needs than they were equipped to provide -- kindly and directly -- was the best thing that happened to us because it put us on the road to diagnosis, supports, and a better fit school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone trying to decide which schools to apply to, it’s disappointing that no one name schools. Understandable but it seems other families and children could be saved these experiences if they knew how schools handle these situations and which ones to avoid.

I'm not naming the school because they were right. Telling us that my child had more support needs than they were equipped to provide -- kindly and directly -- was the best thing that happened to us because it put us on the road to diagnosis, supports, and a better fit school.

I'm not naming because we have a younger child at the school now and need their help with outplacement (we didn't end up removing both kids because our younger one was doing well). But we are not sending our younger one to the typical school for which this one is a feeder . I can't wait to be done with these people and am counting the days until graduation. They severely harmed my older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are new to private schools. Is it unusual for a school to just start a conversation about a school not being a good fit a few weeks before reenrollment contracts go out? Never had an indication it was a thought until a meeting today. There were no prior meetings indicating it was a possibility. Wondering if this is normally how the process works? I would think they would try to let families know in time to apply other places? Just wondering other experiences. Thanks in advance.

Yes. And for some kids towards the end of the year. In my kids’ lower school 2 families were counseled out of improper fit. One because the child needed more support (LDs) than the school could reasonably supply. The other because the parents made some racist comments about Jews - they were Arabic but not Palestinian (Pakistani). The kid told some Jewish kids terrible things and the parents sent him to school on a free dress day with a Palestine shirt. The school wasn’t a good fit for him and his family. In our upper school the only kids I know that were counseled out had reputations for being “druggies”.

The above bolded comments are racist 1) Arabic is a language Arab is an ethnicity 2) Palestinians and Pakistanis are not confused for one another and 3) Pakistani’s do not speak Arabic nor are they Arab they are Pakistani and speak Arabic. Maybe the school should council you out as your comments are extremely offensive, racist and frankly stupid.

DP here. I lived in Pakistan for a few years for my job, and I know the culture well. Many Pakistanis who are religious and grew up there or in another Muslim country DO know at least some Arabic because their holy book is written in it and people who receive a formal education in the Quran learn Arabic. The mullahs know Arabic. The imams know Arabic. Many families pay for their children to receive religious instruction, which includes Arabic. A middle or upper middle class Pakistani family paying for private school in DC most likely does pay for their children to receive religious instruction/"Quran lessons", so yes, the kids will know at least some Arabic.

The anti-Semitism that is deeply entrenched in Pakstani culture/society was horrifying. People would causally say the most hateful things about "the Jews", and I was shocked more than once when a different Pakistani colleague I considered Westernized (university in the West, etc) would just casually trot out the most racist/anti-Semitic things. It is very plausible that kids would hear such things from parents who were born there, even in the West, and we know kids often repeat things even when told not to do so, so yeah. I believe this happened.

I am sure now someone will tell me I am wrong, but I lived there and you did not.

Pakistani here (I spent all my childhood summers there). The reason why so many Pakistani know how to read Arabic is because it’s the same text as Urdu. Muslims families do Quran lessons, but it’s basically reciting the Quran (again, same text as Urdu). It doesn’t mean people are learning to speak Arabic. But yeah, the can recite Quran verses and other prayers in Arabic.

That comment about Pakistanis was, indeed, racist and uninformed. And yes, you’re wrong.

That said, 100% agree that antisemitism abound in Pakistani culture. Doesn’t surprise me that a Pakistani kid parroted some antisemitic tropes — you’d need to be pretty educated to unlearn those things. But also, if a school faults a kid for wearing a Palestinian shirt, that is also racist and uninformed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At our kid’s school, kid asked to leave after junior year due to failing a required class. The school’s position was that it didn’t offer it during the summer, it was a core class, and the school requires all core classes to be taken at school taught by school personnel. The school would not let the kid take the class senior year. (The school told me directly. It came up when I asked about having my kid take a class over the summer.) I was shocked. At some schools, it doesn’t take much to be asked to leave. But do call around.

They kicked out a kid for their senior year of HS?? That is just a sh!!tty thing to do.

It does happen. And it happens after several years of school working closely with the student and family but the student just can't keep up.

Schools do not do this lightly. They are in a tug of war, they do want to help the kid and the families do want to stay at the school. Many times there's a DEI layer wrapped in so they feel ideologically committed. But then comes that point when it's clear kid will just be failing most classes in Jr and Sr year.

The families do often feel betrayed but it does go both ways as the families could have quickly seen what was happening and cut losses and moved kid to a less competitive school earlier. Which others do all the time.

In the above post, the student failed one class. And the school refused to find a way for that student to stay for their senior year. Some supportive community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I want to thank you for all of the helpful replies. In terms of the counseling out, it is that they are holding the contract and will come up with a plan. No plan has been shared as of yet. The December incident did not involve any other children and had to do with speaking disrespectfully (seriously, not yelling/cursing but speaking rudely and it was dealt with-not excusing DC). I think it may have more to do with academics but waiting to hear as that was also unclear. I really just wanted to see if this is how things usually happened as we were thrown but this is our first experience with an independent school. Not a top private and one that is typically known to be more accommodating. It is sad that DC loves the school, but we will look for other options. Appreciate the feedback.

If any other child heard then it actually did involve other children. We had to pull our child out of public school because our child's public school cohort had students who were really disruptive and would throw things and were so aggressive the classroom would have to be evacuated. No one was learning in that environment. When we moved our child mid-year to a private school that luckily had openings my child came home everyday the first week and commented that no one was mean to the teacher. Our child was truly amazed. Turns out what bothered my child the most was the disrespect that was shown by some other children.

You say it was dealt with, but maybe the school did not actually like how you dealt with it or your attitude when the situation came up. Did you make your child write an apology? Was it just the school who handled it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a contract held back, but we worked with a therapist and had improvements, and were then offered one in April. Yes, conversation started in January. Stayed for a few more years. Private schools don’t want to deal with behavioral issues or ADHD at all, even minor things.

False. We have a few students with ADHD (mine included) and the school has been EXTREMELY supportive. My kids is polite and very well behaved, as are the others. It’s more the disruptive disrespectful kids that get counseled out.

They love the inattentives. But heaven forbid if they find themselves with a hyperactive!

These types of generalized statements are ridiculous and untrue.

My kid has been at the same mainstream private school for 4 years. She has hyperactive ADHD and dyslexia. She is doing great and they love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are new to private schools. Is it unusual for a school to just start a conversation about a school not being a good fit a few weeks before reenrollment contracts go out? Never had an indication it was a thought until a meeting today. There were no prior meetings indicating it was a possibility. Wondering if this is normally how the process works? I would think they would try to let families know in time to apply other places? Just wondering other experiences. Thanks in advance.

Yes. And for some kids towards the end of the year. In my kids’ lower school 2 families were counseled out of improper fit. One because the child needed more support (LDs) than the school could reasonably supply. The other because the parents made some racist comments about Jews - they were Arabic but not Palestinian (Pakistani). The kid told some Jewish kids terrible things and the parents sent him to school on a free dress day with a Palestine shirt. The school wasn’t a good fit for him and his family. In our upper school the only kids I know that were counseled out had reputations for being “druggies”.

The above bolded comments are racist 1) Arabic is a language Arab is an ethnicity 2) Palestinians and Pakistanis are not confused for one another and 3) Pakistani’s do not speak Arabic nor are they Arab they are Pakistani and speak Arabic. Maybe the school should council you out as your comments are extremely offensive, racist and frankly stupid.

Incorrect. Pakistanis do not speak Arabic. Arabic is the language of Arab countries. Pakistanis speak Urdu.

YOU are incorrect. Many Pakistanis learn Arabic as part of formal study of the Quran. When I lived in Pakistan, multiple Pakistani colleagues paid for their sons to have Quran lessons, and part of this learning Arabic. All of the mullahs know Arabic, and the imams.

Many Pakistanis don't learn Arabic, but many do. Many non-Arab Muslims who seriously study the Quran also learn it. Educate yourself.

I’m sorry but you need to educate yourself (NP here). Just because some religious Pakistanis learn Arabic as part of their religious studies does not mean that “Pakistanis are Arabic.” First, they are not Arabs and second, they speak URDU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At our kid’s school, kid asked to leave after junior year due to failing a required class. The school’s position was that it didn’t offer it during the summer, it was a core class, and the school requires all core classes to be taken at school taught by school personnel. The school would not let the kid take the class senior year. (The school told me directly. It came up when I asked about having my kid take a class over the summer.) I was shocked. At some schools, it doesn’t take much to be asked to leave. But do call around.

They kicked out a kid for their senior year of HS?? That is just a sh!!tty thing to do.

It does happen. And it happens after several years of school working closely with the student and family but the student just can't keep up.

Schools do not do this lightly. They are in a tug of war, they do want to help the kid and the families do want to stay at the school. Many times there's a DEI layer wrapped in so they feel ideologically committed. But then comes that point when it's clear kid will just be failing most classes in Jr and Sr year.

The families do often feel betrayed but it does go both ways as the families could have quickly seen what was happening and cut losses and moved kid to a less competitive school earlier. Which others do all the time.

In the above post, the student failed one class. And the school refused to find a way for that student to stay for their senior year. Some supportive community.

Never has a kid failed a class and had zero other issues. Failing a class is a huge deal. There was likely more going on and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For people who were blindsided did you try to work it out or did you just leave the school? I think I would be turned off by that type of experience.

Happened to us. Was devastated but left immediately and went on to explore other options. No use insisting on staying where one is not wanted. Thankfully years down the line both kids have completed college at top IVY colleges, and gone on to post graduate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a contract held back, but we worked with a therapist and had improvements, and were then offered one in April. Yes, conversation started in January. Stayed for a few more years. Private schools don’t want to deal with behavioral issues or ADHD at all, even minor things.

False. We have a few students with ADHD (mine included) and the school has been EXTREMELY supportive. My kids is polite and very well behaved, as are the others. It’s more the disruptive disrespectful kids that get counseled out.

Not entirely true/false. Some schools counsel out some students with LDs, including ADHD.

exactly. A lot if schools don’t want to deal with ADHD. Just because your school did help does not make the situation false for others. We had a bun experience getting help with ADHd in both a private and parochial.

[Anonymous]

Our friends at our school found out about a counsel our decision this week when the school didn’t send a contract for one of their children. No warning. They had been looking at other schools because their child was having a tough year and they didn’t like the administration response so they had applied to other options, but what if they hadn’t? Shocking.