Do you tolerate strangers calling you “sweetie, doll, dear” etc

[Anonymous]

Some of you have no nuance.

I have known drag queens, flamboyant gay men, and very effusive and charming older women who call everyone "doll" and no one is ever offended. Also "beautiful". Even though if my male boss used those to describe me at work I'd report him to HR. So it's extremely context dependent.

Women over 60 I give wide latitude towards. My mom calls a lot of people sweetie and dear. She's 75. There actually is a sexist element because she's more likely to say it to kids or women, but not men. However she is also more likely to use them with people she really likes. So it's complicated. I'm not going to go correcting a 75 year old woman who has been through a lot on something like this. Whatever.

Southerners do this and it's cultural. How mad do you want to get? I honestly think some southerners cannot stop doing it. They've heard people talking this way since they were born.

People who work in customer facing jobs, especially if working for tips, probably do this to try and ingratiate themselves. If it offends you, I guess that sucks for them. But I really don't think they are doing it to offend -- they think people like it. And the truth is, a lot of people DO like it and maybe talking this way increases your tip and makes you seem friendlier and more welcoming, in which case it is just logical that they would ignore the probably less than 5% of people who might be offended. They are just trying to make a living.

Getting mad about these terms as a general rule seems silly to me because it's obviously more complicated than just deciding everyone who speaks this way is a raging misogynist who is out to get you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

I'm not advocating for anything one way or another. Just asking what are the "acceptable" references so as not to set anyone off.

i have gone my whole life without using those terms.

You walk into a room and say "good afternoon, how are you?" instead of "good afternoon, sweetie. How are you?"

It is THAT simple.

So we've gotten to a point in humanity where we can't attempt to relate and/or appreciate anyone and need to just go completely impersonal in every interaction so as not to inadvertently offend anyone? Got it.

You are not relating or appreciating anyone by calling them sweetie, sweetie? See how that sounds?

You sound like a condescending, uneducated hick. You're welcome.

Context and intent matter. If you're not smart enough to understand that, it's not worth have an educated conversation with you because you're incapable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

I think "ma'am" is okay to call strangers. If someone drops their scarf, I will pick it up and run after them, saying "ma'am...ma'am."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

Taking offense at every little thing is also a habit you developed and can stop at any time.

The vast majority of people who use these terms at this point are women who were socialized into it by the expectation that they be friendly and motherly to people even in professional settings.

Stop saying offensive things and people won't be....offended. I can't believe I have to spell this out for grown-ups. Are you really THiS STUPID?

I'm the PP and I'm not stupid, but now I'm getting why you are having a hard time with this.

You can't use an ounce of empathy to understand that MANY people who say this stuff do not consider it offensive, it's what they call everyone, and they were raised to speak this way? A waitress calling you hon or sweetie is not out to get you. That's just how she talks. If you are so much better and more sophisticated than she is, then surely you can have the good manners and patience to let it go, rather than call her stupid, which is inarguably ruder than calling someone "sweetie."

To me it is a sign of someone with poor boundaries. They should know the difference between their spouse and children who they can call whatever nicknames and terms of endearment that they want and people who are not on that level of intimacy with them. But when they are overly familiar with me, talking to me using terms of endearment, talking to me as though they know me and think they are so close to me that nicknames are appropriate - it is definitely something that makes me take a step way back. Same as if they are all touchy feely and can't keep their hands to themself - and no I don't care if that is 'just how they are'. I wouldn't call someone stupid but I would definitely keep my distance and not tip or return. If they struggle with boundaries in one area, they probably struggling in a lot of areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t phase me.

Faze. It doesn’t “faze” you.

Forgive them, they are just going through a weird faze.

That would be phase. Or were you trying to make a funny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is to short - if I don’t think they are trying to be an a** I let it go.

+1
I think if it as a cultural thing - similar to the fact that I call everyone ‘guys’ even a mixed group or all female group. Honestly it’s just the way we speak where I’m from. And I think it’s better than ya’ll and easier than ‘ladies and gentlemen’ or ‘everyone’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gen X male here: I’ve discovered (through years of careful observation and evaluation) that I get appreciably better service in places like restaurants, stores, car rental and airline counters, and other such service-oriented places, if in my interactions with female staff, I call them “darlin’ “ or “ma’am”, and smile a lot. Appreciably better service. Not just a little better.

Gen X woman here. Please don't do this to women our own age or younger. It's creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

I'm not advocating for anything one way or another. Just asking what are the "acceptable" references so as not to set anyone off.

i have gone my whole life without using those terms.

You walk into a room and say "good afternoon, how are you?" instead of "good afternoon, sweetie. How are you?"

It is THAT simple.

"Hey you, you dropped this."

Nope. But thanks for proving my point.

So, what is the right term to use addressing a singular individual in the first person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

Awww, bless your heart, sweetie. I’ll pray for you. This is a VERY cultural response.

We shouldn’t be obliterating cultures - isn’t that what we advocate for or does that only apply to the cultures of brown people? DCUM is so confusing to me because there are clearly view of liberal multiculturalism, but people don’t mind obliterating some cultures in favor of others.

[Anonymous]

I am 42 and have gained some weight and grey hair on the last couple of years. I had thought being middle aged would somehow be awful in terms of how society views me. However, I have noticed an appreciable improvement in how people treat me, and one of this improvements is that strangers do not use these words with me. It is so nice. It's not that I got mad or spent a lot of time ruminating over people using these words to address me. It's just one of those things I accepted as part of the culture and never assumed bad intentions. But I never liked it.

I'll take middle age over 20s and 30s any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

Awww, bless your heart, sweetie. I’ll pray for you. This is a VERY cultural response.

We shouldn’t be obliterating cultures - isn’t that what we advocate for or does that only apply to the cultures of brown people? DCUM is so confusing to me because there are clearly view of liberal multiculturalism, but people don’t mind obliterating some cultures in favor of others.

Many cultural practices are oppressive and should be ended. Of course, this is hardly the worst one, but to suggest we can't criticize because "culture!" is preposterous and disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I neither have the time nor will to educate strangers on how they should behave. It's much more likely to turn into an unpleasant situation and it's just not worth it.

If say, I was put with a friend or relative and they did it, sure. But a stranger, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IRL, what are people supposed to refer to you as if they don't know you (and your name)? Miss? Won't some people get offended if we're assuming genders at this point? It's gotten so ridiculous at this point what people are uptight about and it seems like many are just sitting around waiting to be offended....

It's not rocket science. People who have manners never use those terms to talk to women. No one NEEDS to refer to anyone as dear, sweetie, etc. It's a habit you developed and you can stop anytime.

Awww, bless your heart, sweetie. I’ll pray for you. This is a VERY cultural response.

We shouldn’t be obliterating cultures - isn’t that what we advocate for or does that only apply to the cultures of brown people? DCUM is so confusing to me because there are clearly view of liberal multiculturalism, but people don’t mind obliterating some cultures in favor of others.

Many cultural practices are oppressive and should be ended. Of course, this is hardly the worst one, but to suggest we can't criticize because "culture!" is preposterous and disingenuous.

You dictating which cultures should be obliterated is preposterous and ridiculous!

Criticize away - I’m just pointing out the hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I neither have the time nor will to educate strangers on how they should behave. It's much more likely to turn into an unpleasant situation and it's just not worth it.

If say, I was put with a friend or relative and they did it, sure. But a stranger, nope.

+1
I wish more people had tolerance!