How would you react if your college DD scolded you publicly because you asked her to hang out one night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

She probably was missing something important to her. Definitely let it slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

I would snap back with, “You’re lucky I paid for your flight to see [boyfriend]. I could take it back if I wanted to.”

yeah that will really help the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Did she feel too much pressure?

My kids can be, er, "frank" with me, but usually it's more upstream, in the planning stages, and they say it without snapping. I would see it as a communication failure if either of us snapped once plans had been drawn.

From your description, it seems to me that you may not have fostered a culture of open communication with your children. You need to ask in advance whether she has the time to do what you want her to do... not at the last-minute. And she needs to learn to speak her mind with you without getting to the point where emotions run high and she snaps. Perhaps you haven't encouraged her to speak up, and you've always expected automatic compliance?

Anyway. It's one little comment. I would let it slide.

[Anonymous]

^ also she seems overextended. If she's sleep deprived and stressed, it's not going to help her mood.

[Anonymous]

She’s spoiled and unappreciative. No way would I pay for her trip to her boyfriends. If she wants to run the show, she can dam well pay.

[Anonymous]

Tell us the “slightly sarcastic comment” already. You both sound like children.

[Anonymous]

I would say, "You're right. I am lucky to have you, and I'm grateful that you want to spend time with me. But I'd hope that you're grateful for me, too, and I'd appreciate it if you could talk to me with a little more kindness."

And then I'd let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

I would snap back with, “You’re lucky I paid for your flight to see [boyfriend]. I could take it back if I wanted to.”

yeah that will really help the relationship.

I wouldn't say it that way, but to make a point I'd probably say something like, "Would you prefer to spend time with me over Thanksgiving then?" and move on with the day. My daughter would get the point.

[Anonymous]

My sense is you're resentful that you're funding her life and also funding her travels and she's choosing to spend them without you - Thanksgiving, winter break at bfs, vacation w bf. I get it but you can simply not fund these things. To some extent you can also say no. I get that doesn't work as they get older and have their own money but nothing wrong w saying WE expect to see you during the holidays + not funding her Thanksgiving and winter break w bf. You won't be able to stop her if she comes up w the money to go but at least it won't be this lingering resentment of - we pay all this $ and don't even get to see you for holidays, so now you owe us this trip to great uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sense is you're resentful that you're funding her life and also funding her travels and she's choosing to spend them without you - Thanksgiving, winter break at bfs, vacation w bf. I get it but you can simply not fund these things. To some extent you can also say no. I get that doesn't work as they get older and have their own money but nothing wrong w saying WE expect to see you during the holidays + not funding her Thanksgiving and winter break w bf. You won't be able to stop her if she comes up w the money to go but at least it won't be this lingering resentment of - we pay all this $ and don't even get to see you for holidays, so now you owe us this trip to great uncle.

I agree with this.

And you really have got to drop trying to drag another adult to visit great uncle whoever. This is the time to start transitioning toward a parent to adult child relationship. Respect boundaries, don’t force your desires on others instead find common ground where you enjoy each others company. The days of forcing kids to visit aunt Ida are over. I guarantee you that very soon when she is a young working adult, she is not going to burn all her PTO and budget flying somewhere for cousin Wilma’s wedding. She isn’t going to great Uncle Hubert’s funeral in Nebraska. You need to start getting over this now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sense is you're resentful that you're funding her life and also funding her travels and she's choosing to spend them without you - Thanksgiving, winter break at bfs, vacation w bf. I get it but you can simply not fund these things. To some extent you can also say no. I get that doesn't work as they get older and have their own money but nothing wrong w saying WE expect to see you during the holidays + not funding her Thanksgiving and winter break w bf. You won't be able to stop her if she comes up w the money to go but at least it won't be this lingering resentment of - we pay all this $ and don't even get to see you for holidays, so now you owe us this trip to great uncle.

I agree with this.

And you really have got to drop trying to drag another adult to visit great uncle whoever. This is the time to start transitioning toward a parent to adult child relationship. Respect boundaries, don’t force your desires on others instead find common ground where you enjoy each others company. The days of forcing kids to visit aunt Ida are over. I guarantee you that very soon when she is a young working adult, she is not going to burn all her PTO and budget flying somewhere for cousin Wilma’s wedding. She isn’t going to great Uncle Hubert’s funeral in Nebraska. You need to start getting over this now.

Holy hell! She also WILL be spending her PTO and budget to go visit her boyfriend and whatever she chooses, and not the parents paying (god I hope not). The parents ARE paying now, so a little respect and honoring their wishes at this time is absolutely not too much to ask for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

If this is real, you have a very ungrateful and selfish daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is spoiled and rude.

+1000. My mum would have slapped me across the face.

Well that would be bizarre and abusive

Abusive? Rich coddled brats grow up to be a-hole college kids because they were never spanked or slapped when mouthy. They in turn walk all over their pushover parents. One good slap in their teens by a mom would fix such disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be making a college student spend Friday night, or any night, taking a train to see an uncle.

You should have gone to the game, spent some time with her after - maybe an hour or so - and then let her do what she wanted on her Friday night. And then you go on train to see uncle, take train back, see her for a late brunch, then fly back.

She should be focused on classes and friends and sports. You should not be taking her away from that.

I don't know why you'd pay for her to go on vacation with someone else's family. Maybe a plane ticket as a Christmas gift but nothing else. If his family is making her pay for anything other than her own plane ticket they suck.

Agree with all of this. She was rude, but you are expecting too much from her, which was rude of you. But why in the world are you funding her trips with her boyfriend? She can work and pay for those or he can buy her ticket if he wants her to go. I absolutely would stop doing this- but she will be angry since you’ve made it the norm. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sense is you're resentful that you're funding her life and also funding her travels and she's choosing to spend them without you - Thanksgiving, winter break at bfs, vacation w bf. I get it but you can simply not fund these things. To some extent you can also say no. I get that doesn't work as they get older and have their own money but nothing wrong w saying WE expect to see you during the holidays + not funding her Thanksgiving and winter break w bf. You won't be able to stop her if she comes up w the money to go but at least it won't be this lingering resentment of - we pay all this $ and don't even get to see you for holidays, so now you owe us this trip to great uncle.

I agree with this.

And you really have got to drop trying to drag another adult to visit great uncle whoever. This is the time to start transitioning toward a parent to adult child relationship. Respect boundaries, don’t force your desires on others instead find common ground where you enjoy each others company. The days of forcing kids to visit aunt Ida are over. I guarantee you that very soon when she is a young working adult, she is not going to burn all her PTO and budget flying somewhere for cousin Wilma’s wedding. She isn’t going to great Uncle Hubert’s funeral in Nebraska. You need to start getting over this now.

Holy hell! She also WILL be spending her PTO and budget to go visit her boyfriend and whatever she chooses, and not the parents paying (god I hope not). The parents ARE paying now, so a little respect and honoring their wishes at this time is absolutely not too much to ask for.

Keep in mind this forum is full of miserable feds estranged from their flyover state families.