How would you react if your college DD scolded you publicly because you asked her to hang out one night?

[Anonymous]

Did she want you to come visit or did you want to visit? The last thing I would have wanted at that age was to have my parents come to my school to spend a weekend. And now I love to have my mom come visit and want her to meet the people in my town who matter to me. I kind of wonder if the real problem is that she was biting her tongue about you visiting at all and then this was a straw that broke the camel’s back.

If that rings true my advice would be to tell her that you want her to be able to tell you when something doesn’t work but that this way of telling you was hurtful and that you both need to work on communication. And then going forward I would be careful not to push an agenda.

So rather than “I’m going to come out X weekend to see your game and then you and I can visit Uncle Oldguy. Can you make sure you have that whole weekend off?”

Phrase it more like “I’d really love to see one of your games. If I came out X or Y weekend how would you feel about that?”

[Anonymous]

I need more context. What did you say before? Have you been lording the Thanksgiving trip over her head? Do you or your dh often use sarcasm? I could call her selfish, but not yet—I want to know the pertinent information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she was rude. But context matters - was this kind of being sassy and failing to communicate well? I’d be the adult I think , not throw a fit but call out an unnecessary tone. And then move right on.

It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made. It was really over the top and unwarranted. It just made me feel worthless. Obviously she desired to be with her boyfriend instead of me and an elderly relative; a boy she sees every day of the week. And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

One single night with her and we're made to feel worthless. It stings.

Is she your only child?

She's the only daughter. We have a 16 year old son as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she want you to come visit or did you want to visit? The last thing I would have wanted at that age was to have my parents come to my school to spend a weekend. And now I love to have my mom come visit and want her to meet the people in my town who matter to me. I kind of wonder if the real problem is that she was biting her tongue about you visiting at all and then this was a straw that broke the camel’s back.

If that rings true my advice would be to tell her that you want her to be able to tell you when something doesn’t work but that this way of telling you was hurtful and that you both need to work on communication. And then going forward I would be careful not to push an agenda.

So rather than “I’m going to come out X weekend to see your game and then you and I can visit Uncle Oldguy. Can you make sure you have that whole weekend off?”

Phrase it more like “I’d really love to see one of your games. If I came out X or Y weekend how would you feel about that?”

Yes, she knew I was coming. It was her final match of the season. It wasn't all weekend, it was Friday night and a train ride back Saturday morning. I flew back home Saturday afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she was rude. But context matters - was this kind of being sassy and failing to communicate well? I’d be the adult I think , not throw a fit but call out an unnecessary tone. And then move right on.

It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made. It was really over the top and unwarranted. It just made me feel worthless. Obviously she desired to be with her boyfriend instead of me and an elderly relative; a boy she sees every day of the week. And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

One single night with her and we're made to feel worthless. It stings.

PP - I'm sorry her comments hurt like that. I’m sure you were looking forward to the time together and that probably changed the tenor of your visit. FWIW - I generally have a really good relationship with my dd but we both misstep sometimes. When I’m feeling hurt or angry about something I usually take a day or two to think about it and then put my thoughts in an email to her. I try to use the “ sandwich” approach where you start with a positive, then the harder stuff, then close with a positive. I also try to take responsibility for my own feelings. Kind of a “ clear the air but say my peace”. Actually I do this with dh too. It works well, doesn’t escalate things but also lets me be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

"I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

And I'm giving up [fill in the blank] to pay for you to be here.

[Anonymous]

"soiling the nest", sure. She cancelled her end of season social celebration to visit you and this relative she might not have much relationship with.

Something happened *before* the sarcastic remark that you didn't care to tell us about.

[Anonymous]

Why are you paying for her trips to hang out with her boyfriend? That part is mysterious to me. I think I need to know what the sarcastic comment you said to her was. She may be feeling pretty stressed at this point in this semester, and just like when they were toddlers, we parents are always the safe space For venting negative feelings. And the moment I would have said she hurt my feelings, but I appreciated that she was spending this time with me. I would tell her that it means a lot to me, more than she can now unless one day she becomes a parent herself.

She is probably in that stage of a relationship where it’s intolerable to be apart, and if they are having sex, then that’s an added reason why time with her boyfriend is so compelling. I’m sure it’s painful that she is pulling away and making her own life, but this is what we are all supposed to want for our kids, right? It does sound like you spoil her, and I’m not sure I would pay for her flights to other places. Or I would make them presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"soiling the nest", sure. She cancelled her end of season social celebration to visit you and this relative she might not have much relationship with.

Something happened *before* the sarcastic remark that you didn't care to tell us about.

She did not mention any team party. I'm sure she would have thrown that in my face if there was something like that. Actually, I'm quite confident she would not have joined me if there was something like that planned Friday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"soiling the nest", sure. She cancelled her end of season social celebration to visit you and this relative she might not have much relationship with.

Something happened *before* the sarcastic remark that you didn't care to tell us about.

Poster made a remark first "It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made.". Daughter is an adult, if you are rude she can be rude back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she want you to come visit or did you want to visit? The last thing I would have wanted at that age was to have my parents come to my school to spend a weekend. And now I love to have my mom come visit and want her to meet the people in my town who matter to me. I kind of wonder if the real problem is that she was biting her tongue about you visiting at all and then this was a straw that broke the camel’s back.

If that rings true my advice would be to tell her that you want her to be able to tell you when something doesn’t work but that this way of telling you was hurtful and that you both need to work on communication. And then going forward I would be careful not to push an agenda.

So rather than “I’m going to come out X weekend to see your game and then you and I can visit Uncle Oldguy. Can you make sure you have that whole weekend off?”

Phrase it more like “I’d really love to see one of your games. If I came out X or Y weekend how would you feel about that?”

Yes, she knew I was coming. It was her final match of the season. It wasn't all weekend, it was Friday night and a train ride back Saturday morning. I flew back home Saturday afternoon.

Critically, the question wasn’t whether she KNEW you were coming, but whether she WANTED you to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you paying for her trips to hang out with her boyfriend? That part is mysterious to me. I think I need to know what the sarcastic comment you said to her was. She may be feeling pretty stressed at this point in this semester, and just like when they were toddlers, we parents are always the safe space For venting negative feelings. And the moment I would have said she hurt my feelings, but I appreciated that she was spending this time with me. I would tell her that it means a lot to me, more than she can now unless one day she becomes a parent herself.

She is probably in that stage of a relationship where it’s intolerable to be apart, and if they are having sex, then that’s an added reason why time with her boyfriend is so compelling. I’m sure it’s painful that she is pulling away and making her own life, but this is what we are all supposed to want for our kids, right? It does sound like you spoil her, and I’m not sure I would pay for her flights to other places. Or I would make them presents.

We were watching a streaming movie together on two laptops that were synced. But the wi-fi was terrible on the train so my laptop started being like 5 or so seconds ahead, she was irritated and demanded I stop and let the laptops re-sync so we were watching at the exact same time. I thought she was kidding and made a little joke. She was not kidding and that's when she snapped.

[Anonymous]

She was obviously very rude but your tone suggests you may be a bit needy. Im not judging you or your daughter I just think you might get more of what you want with a less needy attitude.

Like, don’t introduce a visit with a list of expectations for a specific time frame like that and instead say-“I’d love it if we could have a dinner and one other meal during the weekend (feel free to bring boyfriend!) and if you can swing it im going to visit uncle Leo Sunday morning and I bet he’d love to see you.”

[Anonymous]

20:17 and I want to add that I do think you need to stop paying for a bunch of extra fun travel. Give her a set amount of money for expenses (how much depends on whether her housing/meals/medical care are covered already) and if she wants to travel home you will pay for it but any other trips she can save up for, or get a job to pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:17 and I want to add that I do think you need to stop paying for a bunch of extra fun travel. Give her a set amount of money for expenses (how much depends on whether her housing/meals/medical care are covered already) and if she wants to travel home you will pay for it but any other trips she can save up for, or get a job to pay for.

Fully agree.