Give me hope please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you're using a dating app.

You need to find a man in real life:
At church
The grocery store
Hiking group
Biking group
Book club

You get the idea...join some social clubs and meet some real people.

+1 . Airport Parties are another option. A fun, low-pressure way to meet new people.

I have done that in the past and mostly enjoyed hiking and biking group but it ended up being a place for guys to just hit on everyone single. Some of them were just looking for hook ups and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl, my first month on apps I went on dates with:

- a guy who thought he was the second coming of Jesus (yes, really)

- a guy who told me he likes to suck off men

- a guy who was literally shaking the entire time from the anxiety

And these were men I had messaged AND talked to on the phone, and seemed normal.

I did eventually meet a FANTASTIC, normal guy who I'm currently dating. He's hilarious and we have SO much fun together, very glad I stuck with OLD until I found him.

I found him by:

1. Making sure my profile paints a vivid picture of what life with me is like (most people's profiles SUCK).

2. Never reaching out to a man first.

3. Only responding to men who opened with a thoughtful message that showed they read my profile and understood who I was.

4. Kept my responses warm, but brief - I didn't want to set a precedent that we text non-stop. If they didn't respond with further questions about myself, I unmatched.

5. If we went more than 2-3 days of texting without him initiating a phone call or date, I unmatched.

To give you the numbers:

1. Around 5000-6000 men swiped right on me.

2. Of those men, I swiped right only on about 100 (only men who had a good profile, we had things in common with, and I was physically attracted to).

3. Of those 100, around 50 initiated contact.

4. Of those 50, only about 5 moved things along to an actual date.

5. Of those 5, my current guy was by far the best. He was the only one of out all the men I matched with to consistently ask me thoughtful questions about myself and engage with things I found interesting, both via the apps and on the phone.

He was also the only one who listened when I mentioned I am looking for a man who can set a date up in advance (not the "wyd tonite?" BS) and can plan something beyond dinner/drinks. He definitely delivered - he planned an incredible date (don't wanna give it away because people would definitely be able to ID me, but it was the best first date I've ever been on by FAR).

This has really been the first time where I've felt a man is actively pursuing and courting me, which is really incredible.

I guess to summarize it: First, make sure your profile really explains who you are as a person and what life with you is like. You want the right man to see it and go "I WANT HER!" Then don't waste your time on any men who are ambivalent about you, spend your time on the men are hot for you and put forth the effort for you.

But remember the number of men like that will be very small! It's definitely a numbers game!

This is fantastic. Thanks for the overview. A few questions that would help me - how old are you and do you have kids or a busy job? Going over 5-6K profiles of men are very time consuming and how did you manage that with other things going in your life.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

[Anonymous]

Op, you don't know how much that is going to be an issue so don't start finding faults yet. Give him and yourself chance and see how you feel. May be he is good enough to handle all that himself and you can assert boundaries if needed.

BTW, it is very common for people to not accept mistakes in their past relationships. In 20+ years of dating, I have never seen a woman taking responsibility and the most common reasons were that he was abusive, controlling, cheating, loser father, etc. Same goes for men too.

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

Empaths can also be drawn to mentally unwell people. It's not necessary a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

Empaths can also be drawn to mentally unwell people. It's not necessary a red flag.

Empath = borderline personality disorder traits.

[Anonymous]

So let's see.. OP has been on numerous dates, and only one man possibly meets all her requirements and he doesn't like her. But the issue is.. all those other men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

You are taking it too far. If you are going to be this picky then no need to date. Maybe Op brought it or it is something he thought his new dating partner should know. No big deal in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

You are taking it too far. If you are going to be this picky then no need to date. Maybe Op brought it or it is something he thought his new dating partner should know. No big deal in my opinion.

Seems like op would have said if she’d broached it. She didn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

Empaths can also be drawn to mentally unwell people. It's not necessary a red flag.

Empath = borderline personality disorder traits.

Never heard that. Please explain.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how hot, smart, funny and not jaded you are. 38 is still young and you can be very attractive.

If you were a 9-10 in your twenties, you could still be a 9 at age 38. If you are average, your options are far worse.

I have a friend who got separated at 39 and divorced at 40. Her ex also cheated. She is beautiful, smart and kind. She found an amazing guy almost immediately after her divorce. She is very attractive. She was always thin but the divorce made her super thin and she is very fit.

[Anonymous]

Op, how do you look? Let's figure out your chances after divorce.