Give me hope please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

You are taking it too far. If you are going to be this picky then no need to date. Maybe Op brought it or it is something he thought his new dating partner should know. No big deal in my opinion.

Seems like op would have said if she’d broached it. She didn’t

OP here. I asked him why his marriage ended and what his contribution to it was. He said he tried everything but couldn’t deal with the personality disorder and excessive spending that lead to them being broke all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

You are taking it too far. If you are going to be this picky then no need to date. Maybe Op brought it or it is something he thought his new dating partner should know. No big deal in my opinion.

Seems like op would have said if she’d broached it. She didn’t

OP here. I asked him why his marriage ended and what his contribution to it was. He said he tried everything but couldn’t deal with the personality disorder and excessive spending that lead to them being broke all the time.

Oh, a man talking abbot ex-wife overspending is a big red flag. He likely was bean counting her cosmetics and personal hygiene purchase and spent most money on cars and maintaining a house. You get broke from being "house poor" usually, or they were not making enough money. And it was within his ability to find out her spending habits and work on finding the common ground prior to marriage.

So likely it's the indicator of an early paranoia manifesting through financial control over his partner. It will get worse as he gets older. I noticed a lot of men in late 40s-50s become hoarders and very controlling with finances, in most cases without merits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl, my first month on apps I went on dates with:

- a guy who thought he was the second coming of Jesus (yes, really)

- a guy who told me he likes to suck off men

- a guy who was literally shaking the entire time from the anxiety

And these were men I had messaged AND talked to on the phone, and seemed normal.

I did eventually meet a FANTASTIC, normal guy who I'm currently dating. He's hilarious and we have SO much fun together, very glad I stuck with OLD until I found him.

I found him by:

1. Making sure my profile paints a vivid picture of what life with me is like (most people's profiles SUCK).

2. Never reaching out to a man first.

3. Only responding to men who opened with a thoughtful message that showed they read my profile and understood who I was.

4. Kept my responses warm, but brief - I didn't want to set a precedent that we text non-stop. If they didn't respond with further questions about myself, I unmatched.

5. If we went more than 2-3 days of texting without him initiating a phone call or date, I unmatched.

To give you the numbers:

1. Around 5000-6000 men swiped right on me.

2. Of those men, I swiped right only on about 100 (only men who had a good profile, we had things in common with, and I was physically attracted to).

3. Of those 100, around 50 initiated contact.

4. Of those 50, only about 5 moved things along to an actual date.

5. Of those 5, my current guy was by far the best. He was the only one of out all the men I matched with to consistently ask me thoughtful questions about myself and engage with things I found interesting, both via the apps and on the phone.

He was also the only one who listened when I mentioned I am looking for a man who can set a date up in advance (not the "wyd tonite?" BS) and can plan something beyond dinner/drinks. He definitely delivered - he planned an incredible date (don't wanna give it away because people would definitely be able to ID me, but it was the best first date I've ever been on by FAR).

This has really been the first time where I've felt a man is actively pursuing and courting me, which is really incredible.

I guess to summarize it: First, make sure your profile really explains who you are as a person and what life with you is like. You want the right man to see it and go "I WANT HER!" Then don't waste your time on any men who are ambivalent about you, spend your time on the men are hot for you and put forth the effort for you.

But remember the number of men like that will be very small! It's definitely a numbers game!

This is fantastic. Thanks for the overview. A few questions that would help me - how old are you and do you have kids or a busy job? Going over 5-6K profiles of men are very time consuming and how did you manage that with other things going in your life.

I’m 39 with kids and a full time job plus a side hustle, so overall pretty busy!

Going through profiles isn’t too bad as long as you’re smart and have a system. So mine was:

1. Only go through profiles of men who have already swiped right on me (so pay for premium)

2. If there’s no text (bio, prompt answers, etc), immediate swipe left. If he can’t be bothered to fill his profile out, it’s not worth my time trying to figure out what he’s like. Also shows he’s lazy and gives bare minimum effort.

3. Doesn’t meet my standards, swipe left. So if not cute, not smart, bad job, etc. Not worth the time talking to them.

The swiping is the fast past, you can go through 100 profiles in a few minutes, as long as you have standards and a system, and aren’t taking a ton of time to evaluate each one. Conversations tend to be the time suck.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You're a woman on a dating site. Stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So I haven’t heard from him since day before yesterday. Guess I’m getting ghooossted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So I haven’t heard from him since day before yesterday. Guess I’m getting ghooossted!

did you make any judgmental faces or remarks? may be he gone through a lot of trouble and didn't feel the compassion from you. It happens, no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yesterday I met a 45 year old defense contractor. I think this was probably the first time I wasn’t repulsed by a man I met from the apps. First he looked so much cuter than his photos. And he was smart!! And tall! We had a nerdy conversation about aviation and he is also apparently a pilot, which is hot!

We talked for 2 hours and it was apparent the attraction is mutual. He gave me a quick hug goodbye.

Lots of + but here’s the red flags:

- he spoke of his ex wife who apparently has a personality disorder. Which…casting your ex wife as the problem isn’t great!
- teenage daughters. He seems like an invoked dad which is cute but if this got serious, dealing with teenage girls + crazy ex wife would be a lot to take on! 🫠

People with personality disorders often end up with people with PD. borderline and narcissistic is a common pairing

This is accurate af. Lots of co-dependent people stay in relationships with mentally unwell people, too.

Mentioning your ex on a first date is kinda gauche. Mentioning their mental health is a massive red flag. Like, dealbreakingly large.

You are taking it too far. If you are going to be this picky then no need to date. Maybe Op brought it or it is something he thought his new dating partner should know. No big deal in my opinion.

Seems like op would have said if she’d broached it. She didn’t

OP here. I asked him why his marriage ended and what his contribution to it was. He said he tried everything but couldn’t deal with the personality disorder and excessive spending that lead to them being broke all the time.

Oh, a man talking abbot ex-wife overspending is a big red flag. He likely was bean counting her cosmetics and personal hygiene purchase and spent most money on cars and maintaining a house. You get broke from being "house poor" usually, or they were not making enough money. And it was within his ability to find out her spending habits and work on finding the common ground prior to marriage.

So likely it's the indicator of an early paranoia manifesting through financial control over his partner. It will get worse as he gets older. I noticed a lot of men in late 40s-50s become hoarders and very controlling with finances, in most cases without merits

Good Lord you have some issues. Talk about a massive amount of assumption and projection.

[Anonymous]

Op here.
I had a dinner date Friday night and a brunch date on Saturday that I had to cancel due to coming down with the flu.

The 45 year old guy is texting me and asked to meet up again but I’ve been sick. Also chatting with 41 year old coast guard branch chief who looks really cute! But he has a young child a separated from his wife who he still lives with. He seems really eager and I think he wants a distraction from his soon to be ex wife.

[Anonymous]

I have an update:

-45 year old took me out to lunch the week of Christmas, showed a lot of enthusiasm and gave me lots of compliments. Asked for a date 3 while walking me to my car and texted me afterwards saying how much he enjoyed our time. Then he…does a slow fade. He gives one or two word vague responses and I’ve stopped contacting him.

-41 year old and I got quite close and we’re texting and calling multiple times every day…he began to feel like my boyfriend but he is still married and lives with his wife while they figure out custody. We decided to take a pause as I don’t feel comfortable being his girlfriend or taking steps towards physical intimacy in this situation. Still feeling sad and I miss him!

- went on a coffee and dinner date with a 48 year old think tank director. Fascinating guy with really interesting stories. Really smart and intellectual…although I don’t think physically attracted to him. He asked me for a third date and I’m unsure if I should accept.

[Anonymous]

NP. Fascinating, OP, keep the updates coming!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated means married.

FFS don’t be that person.

FFS, PP is correct.

[Anonymous]

what's the update, OP?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, going on dates and spending the first one talking about exes seems like a terrible idea. The focus should be on getting to know the other person.

[Anonymous]

There's a big difference between talking about your ex on a first date and proactively sharing relevant and critical info with someone who is trying to get to know you and your situation.

[Anonymous]

There's a big difference between talking about your ex on a first date and proactively sharing relevant and critical info with someone who is trying to get to know you and your situation.