Give me hope please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

I agree here, socially awkward -- so what? With practice he'll get better. Lots of us socially awkward people out there - I've learned a lot over the years - still learning! - and my socially less awkward friends don't hate me for it. It's fine. lean into it!!

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you're using a dating app.

You need to find a man in real life:
At church
The grocery store
Hiking group
Biking group
Book club

You get the idea...join some social clubs and meet some real people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you're using a dating app.

You need to find a man in real life:
At church
The grocery store
Hiking group
Biking group
Book club

You get the idea...join some social clubs and meet some real people.

Pp back and I just remembered reading a thread where people met their current male partners in choir. So, if you can sing maybe join a choir?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

This is very good advice. Plenty of nice guys are nervous on a first date and can seem shy or socially awkward when they first meet someone but aren’t like that once you get to know them. You have nothing to lose by going on another date or two with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

I agree here, socially awkward -- so what? With practice he'll get better. Lots of us socially awkward people out there - I've learned a lot over the years - still learning! - and my socially less awkward friends don't hate me for it. It's fine. lean into it!!

Disagree. I married a socially awkward person and turned out he was cheating the entire time. I also work with a lot of socially awkward people in engineering and they are not fun to work with and cause problems because they are deflecting due to their social awkwardness. They are insecure and will blame you at any moment. I guess if he has a lot of money and you just want the money and not a relationship go for it, but the point of a relationship is to be in one, so having someone who isn't good at relationships is kind of pointless. I should have held out for someone who had to capability to be in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

That said, being nervous on a first date isn't a big deal. Being weird and nervous after five is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Also, watch out for the ones that mirror you with similar interests. It's a tactic socially awkward people use to get you to like them. They don't want you to see the real them so they mimic someone whom they know you'll like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you're using a dating app.

You need to find a man in real life:
At church
The grocery store
Hiking group
Biking group
Book club

You get the idea...join some social clubs and meet some real people.

+1 . Airport Parties are another option. A fun, low-pressure way to meet new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Are you decent yourself? Who do you think you are?

[Anonymous]

Op here.

Update on my dating adventures!

- I met a cute guy who works for the Feds at a coffee event. He asked me out. We started texting and I quickly realized he was looking for a hookup. I declined. He keeps texting and sexting me. On Saturday I woke up to a nude video of him in the shower. 🫠

- I went on 2 dates from the apps last weekend. The first guy was in his early 40s and professionally successful which I liked. However he got drunk and started grabbing my thigh and trying to kiss me. I…was enjoying our conversation until he became grabby…then he was upset and quickly ended the date.

The second guy was this cute 33 year old software engineer. Polite, super smart and cute. I think I have a crush! We had some tea and pastries and had an easy conversation. I didn’t get the sense that he was all that into me. I texted him afterwards saying thank you and I had a nice time. He said he had a lovely time too but then never texted me again. So there’s that I guess!


Why is it that the guys I want don’t seem to want me back 🫠

For this weekend I’m talking to some guys and will see if I end up meeting any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Update on my dating adventures!

- I met a cute guy who works for the Feds at a coffee event. He asked me out. We started texting and I quickly realized he was looking for a hookup. I declined. He keeps texting and sexting me. On Saturday I woke up to a nude video of him in the shower. 🫠

- I went on 2 dates from the apps last weekend. The first guy was in his early 40s and professionally successful which I liked. However he got drunk and started grabbing my thigh and trying to kiss me. I…was enjoying our conversation until he became grabby…then he was upset and quickly ended the date.

The second guy was this cute 33 year old software engineer. Polite, super smart and cute. I think I have a crush! We had some tea and pastries and had an easy conversation. I didn’t get the sense that he was all that into me. I texted him afterwards saying thank you and I had a nice time. He said he had a lovely time too but then never texted me again. So there’s that I guess!


Why is it that the guys I want don’t seem to want me back 🫠

For this weekend I’m talking to some guys and will see if I end up meeting any of them.

You are 38

Find god first.

Once you have a relationship with him, then you will be ready for someone.


I suggest targeting 50+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Update on my dating adventures!

- I met a cute guy who works for the Feds at a coffee event. He asked me out. We started texting and I quickly realized he was looking for a hookup. I declined. He keeps texting and sexting me. On Saturday I woke up to a nude video of him in the shower. 🫠

- I went on 2 dates from the apps last weekend. The first guy was in his early 40s and professionally successful which I liked. However he got drunk and started grabbing my thigh and trying to kiss me. I…was enjoying our conversation until he became grabby…then he was upset and quickly ended the date.

The second guy was this cute 33 year old software engineer. Polite, super smart and cute. I think I have a crush! We had some tea and pastries and had an easy conversation. I didn’t get the sense that he was all that into me. I texted him afterwards saying thank you and I had a nice time. He said he had a lovely time too but then never texted me again. So there’s that I guess!


Why is it that the guys I want don’t seem to want me back 🫠

For this weekend I’m talking to some guys and will see if I end up meeting any of them.

You are 38

Find god first.

Once you have a relationship with him, then you will be ready for someone.


I suggest targeting 50+

Why 50+?

[Anonymous]

You keep focusing on material qualities and then complaining about “duds” who just want sex. Well you just want a rich man so what’s the difference? People are worth more than their employment status. Smart and interesting men go to trade school. You sound very superficial.

[Anonymous]

Op, how are you in looks, weight and finances? Do you have a decent job or looking for a relationship so that he can take care of your family. Be honest on your expectations because I have seen a lot of people come around as genuine, with high value and equal contribution but really not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Nobody's decent, including you. Everyone's flawed, including you. You'll need to decide which flaws you can handle and which are dealbreakers.

At this day and age, you have to make adjustments like he would do and see what you both could live with. Reaching to that level when each other is interested in giving a chance is very difficult and also finding one who is willing to move forward is even more.