Give me hope please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

I'd give numbers 2 and 3 a chance in real life. Regarding 2, I have a friend who talks about herself and forgets to ask questions when she's nervous, but she's a charming, agreeable person once she relaxes. Maybe a coffee date for 2 and a dinner date for 3.

Avoid separated and divorced dads with kids at all costs. You're better off staying single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated means married.

FFS don’t be that person.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but I 100% agree with pp. When men say that, they are usually still married and are looking to cheat on their spouse. They say they are separated because it can easily "explain" any weird married anomalies that an actually divorced or single person wouldn't have. It's very very common unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

DCUM standard advice when anyone has trouble in their marriage is "Divorce!" because there are a sea of men out there waiting to date you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

Yes, this stood out to me too. OP, I married a socially awkward computer scientist, and he’s an amazing husband. Give the guy a chance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there anyone decent left? Sure, but they're not on the apps. Those worked maybe 5-10 years ago, but now the decent people see them for the cesspool of humanity they are and mostly stay away.

None of my single friends use them anymore. They hope to meet someone 'in the wild', and accept they might not find 1:1 romantic relationships and instead focus on a chosen family. The guys (and a couple women I know) will occasionally go on the apps to hook up but with no intention of putting a connection-worthy effort in.

How are you supposed to find a guy in the wild?

What should I be doing?

Attend activities and events which interest you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

Yes, this stood out to me too. OP, I married a socially awkward computer scientist, and he’s an amazing husband. Give the guy a chance!

Op here. He was really sweet but poor guy was so scared. He also said he was obese before so he hasn’t dated anyone previously. That seems like a lot.

[Anonymous]

Men mostly jump on the apps to hookup, between long term relationships with women they met in RL. I figured that, too. You need clearly state in profile that you are looking for friendship first, mention "marriage positive" to scare off the serial monogamists who just want to float from one relationship to the next one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

Yes - mostly likely including your third dude. He was shaking and sweating because he was nervous because its a first date! And he likes you! If I were you, I'd give him a real date. Go somewhere in person, give him a chance to relax a bit, and see how it goes. Maybe nowhere. But if you're going to eliminate everyone who is nervous on a first date, yeah, you may very well miss out on the decent ones. Think about what actually matters for you, make sure you're screening on those things (like dude number 2, definitely he's no good) and don't screen out people for dumb reasons.

Good advice. OP is so typical. She's dismissive of everyone else's imperfections but acts like she doesn't have any baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separated from my cheating ex at 38 years old. Moved into my own place and I’m slowly setting it up. I casually browse dating apps to gingerly see what’s out there.

I am being very careful and cautious and only having video calls with men who message me. So far from the men I’ve talked to:

- one has 3 children and is separated from his wife
- one was a 45 year old lawyer who didn’t ask me a single question about me
- one was a 41 year old engineer who was nice but so socially awkward he was shaking and sweating
- lots of men who just want sex

I’ve not met anyone and this is only through video chats…but wow. Is there anyone decent left?

i fail to see what's wrong with most of these? Having children is not a flaw. If you don't want someone with kids, put that in your profile.
Sometimes people don't ask about you because it feels interrogatory, especially if you're a trial lawyer. Or maybe he was nervous and that's the way it manifests for him.
Third one was nervous clearly, maybe give him a chance to relax.
I guess you don't want sex? Nothing wrong with those out there that do want it. IF you don't, be clear in your profile.

[Anonymous]

None of the three sound like dealbreakers to me (I have kids too). Are you attracted to any of them just visually from the video chat? If so, I’d give the ones you are attracted to a date or two.

[Anonymous]

Maybe in time you’ll meet someone through your kids’ friends parent.

There is more divorce in late forties, the pickings won’t always be so slim.

[Anonymous]

Jesus. You’re not even divorced yet. Sounds like you have a LOT of work to do before you mess around with anyone else. Do it for your kids. They deserve a present mother and father, not idiots who are consumed with their romantic life.

[Anonymous]

I have met only one decent person. We dated for over a year, but I moved to another side of the world. I didn't marry or partner up with decent people. I barely survived those two relationships.
Several people I know are married to horrible people. Lots of undiagnosed SN, trauma.
Stay single and what's with looking for someone so early!

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of men in similar positions who are asking if there are any decent women left.

So, yes, but that doesn't mean it's easy to find a good match.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I am video chatting with a a nerdy 33 year old lawyer who is alas leaving dc soon! I think I have a crush! Haha