Helping judgmental grandparents understand that the college landscape has changed

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the responses but I fit your profile in that I too went to HYPSM and my father did too, and he's a huge academic snob.

I echo others to not share with them, and prepare your kid with a script if asked. I will say that judgy comments from grandparents don't tend to land with as much force as judgy comments from parents. (As someone who grew up with this kind of judgement from said HYPSM parent). But be ready to have a talk with your kid when the grandparents invariably said something awful to your kid at Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws just wanted something to brag about to their siblings. So, each scholarship award was told to them. Some were a big deal and some weren’t but they all sounded good. The school didn’t matter. Our kids are great kids. They’ll be fine regardless is where they go. We just want them to be happy about where they go.

And when they would report back what was told to them we could decipher whether it was true or not. So, some of the “bragging” wasn’t even true.

[Anonymous]

I was astonished recently that my ivy parents who pushed me intensely about school and ivy college were encouraging my kids to look at Pitt and saying Towson and UMBC are great schools. Was glad to hear but resented they pushed me so hard and I felt inadequate my whole life!! lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing I'm not alone in this, and am wondering how others have handled it.

I attended a HYPSM. My parents basically believe that maybe 10 colleges are good ones, and the rest are lousy. Or more precisely, the kids attending those other schools are not very bright or somehow not worthy. They literally roll their eyes at some of these schools, like Pitt and Wake Forest. I would be thrilled if my kid ended up at either of these! Not to mention many many others.

My parents sort of get that the college landscape has changed but not really, because they occasionally hear of some friend whose grandkid is going to Harvard or Columbia or some such, and then decide that those schools are attainable for my kids.

DH and I are trying to raise happy, healthy, secure kids who are motivated but also live a balanced life. My DD is about to enter 11th grade, and for the last couple years my parents have been pestering me on where she will be applying. I have avoided the subject, which until now hasn't been difficult because we've had no idea. But of course that will soon change and I am dreading upcoming conversations. DD is a great kid, but I think it's unlikely she'd be accepted (or even apply) to a tippy-top school.

What have others done in these situations, where parents/grandparents are relentlessly bringing this up every time they see you? Do you shut them out of the college search for your child (and to what extent? Would you not tell them you're visiting schools, or where you are visiting)? Would you refuse to share an SAT score if asked directly, and if your child didn't object to such sharing? Do you share limited information but then try to steer the conversation elsewhere? In my ideal world they would know nothing until DD has settled on where she is going but I am not sure if this is realistic, and what kind of friction would result. Thanks for any advice. I feel like I need to prepare myself but am not sure of the best approach.

The generation of people that are currently grandparent-age is the worst generation in the history of humanity. (Ex. A - Donald Trump, Ex. B - Bill Clinton) They’re terrible people. Just tell them to f-off.

Let's attack an entire generation of people. That's not weird at all.

Exactly. I was gonna say, try substituting “generation” for anything else and you’d be a disgusting racist bigot. You still are, actually.

Yup.

OP sounds much more judgmental and bigoted than grandpas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I went to an ivy myself and my husband went to Georgetown and my parents believe that the top 30-ish schools are the only ones worth applying to.

My rising senior will probably go to a large state school which will be a great fit for him. The way I've prepped my parents is by sharing articles that show the change in acceptance rates (such as from 20-40% to 5%). Objective data helps.

+1 This was going to be my suggestion. Send some informative articles.

Who believes anything they read in an article any more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing I'm not alone in this, and am wondering how others have handled it.

I attended a HYPSM. My parents basically believe that maybe 10 colleges are good ones, and the rest are lousy. Or more precisely, the kids attending those other schools are not very bright or somehow not worthy. They literally roll their eyes at some of these schools, like Pitt and Wake Forest. I would be thrilled if my kid ended up at either of these! Not to mention many many others.

My parents sort of get that the college landscape has changed but not really, because they occasionally hear of some friend whose grandkid is going to Harvard or Columbia or some such, and then decide that those schools are attainable for my kids.

DH and I are trying to raise happy, healthy, secure kids who are motivated but also live a balanced life. My DD is about to enter 11th grade, and for the last couple years my parents have been pestering me on where she will be applying. I have avoided the subject, which until now hasn't been difficult because we've had no idea. But of course that will soon change and I am dreading upcoming conversations. DD is a great kid, but I think it's unlikely she'd be accepted (or even apply) to a tippy-top school.

What have others done in these situations, where parents/grandparents are relentlessly bringing this up every time they see you? Do you shut them out of the college search for your child (and to what extent? Would you not tell them you're visiting schools, or where you are visiting)? Would you refuse to share an SAT score if asked directly, and if your child didn't object to such sharing? Do you share limited information but then try to steer the conversation elsewhere? In my ideal world they would know nothing until DD has settled on where she is going but I am not sure if this is realistic, and what kind of friction would result. Thanks for any advice. I feel like I need to prepare myself but am not sure of the best approach.

The generation of people that are currently grandparent-age is the worst generation in the history of humanity. (Ex. A - Donald Trump, Ex. B - Bill Clinton) They’re terrible people. Just tell them to f-off.

Let's attack an entire generation of people. That's not weird at all.

The attack is well deserved.

https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a1451/worst-generation-0400/

Thinking that rant means anything just tells us that whatever education you may have had, didn't really provide any critical thinking skills.

[Anonymous]

Lol boomers out in full force on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing I'm not alone in this, and am wondering how others have handled it.

I attended a HYPSM. My parents basically believe that maybe 10 colleges are good ones, and the rest are lousy. Or more precisely, the kids attending those other schools are not very bright or somehow not worthy. They literally roll their eyes at some of these schools, like Pitt and Wake Forest. I would be thrilled if my kid ended up at either of these! Not to mention many many others.

My parents sort of get that the college landscape has changed but not really, because they occasionally hear of some friend whose grandkid is going to Harvard or Columbia or some such, and then decide that those schools are attainable for my kids.

DH and I are trying to raise happy, healthy, secure kids who are motivated but also live a balanced life. My DD is about to enter 11th grade, and for the last couple years my parents have been pestering me on where she will be applying. I have avoided the subject, which until now hasn't been difficult because we've had no idea. But of course that will soon change and I am dreading upcoming conversations. DD is a great kid, but I think it's unlikely she'd be accepted (or even apply) to a tippy-top school.

What have others done in these situations, where parents/grandparents are relentlessly bringing this up every time they see you? Do you shut them out of the college search for your child (and to what extent? Would you not tell them you're visiting schools, or where you are visiting)? Would you refuse to share an SAT score if asked directly, and if your child didn't object to such sharing? Do you share limited information but then try to steer the conversation elsewhere? In my ideal world they would know nothing until DD has settled on where she is going but I am not sure if this is realistic, and what kind of friction would result. Thanks for any advice. I feel like I need to prepare myself but am not sure of the best approach.

This erroneous belief is their problem, not yours.

I would shut them out of the college search altogether and definitely not share any SAT scores or similar information, including any academic information. That information belongs to your child and it is private.

My husband went to duke undergrad and UChicago for law my mil has no clue how college admissions and cost work. She really assumed being a legacy gave her grandchildren free admission. I am sure was disappointed her grandchildren went to UMD in state. lol. She is not paying the bill and never said a word to me or the kids.

[Anonymous]

Just show them Naviance. It will freak them out for a couple of weeks then they will adjust.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't show mine Naviance-that would just feed the beast. Plus the scattergrams that give everyone such a dose of reality also reveal your kid's GPA and test score which personally I don't think is something that should be shared with grandparents or others.

[Anonymous]

When grandparents and neighbors/friends asked about college, we said things like, “we’re still finalizing her list, but she’ll definitely apply to state flagship and her mother’s Alma mater (which was a safety for her).”

When asked for her SAT, just stated that “we’re happy with her results, but she has asked us not to share them with others. She doesn’t like getting compared to her friends and peers.”

We didn’t share her list with anyone and only shared where she would attend once it was finalized. After the fact, we were happy to discuss where she applied and how it went. We don’t plan to share her SAT score, as our family has 4 grandchildren close in age and do not want them compared to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just show them Naviance. It will freak them out for a couple of weeks then they will adjust.

Love this!

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. I went to an Ivy back when a high 1400s SAT and nothing beyond one year of calculus and some local/school leadership roles was sufficient for a STEM major. My parents think it’s still the same.