Helping judgmental grandparents understand that the college landscape has changed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My recommendation is to share nothing with anyone, supportive or not. Allow your kid to go through it without the added pressure of others knowing their plans.

Agree. But OP I feel your pain. My parents would constantly ask why we weren't applying to more Ivies and say obnoxious things like "oh, XX went to that school, she was a terrible student." With one parent (they're divorced) I claimed from the start that we had basically decided that DC would go to our state school, which has a generous admissions rate, and didn't admit until after acceptances were all out that we had in fact applied elsewhere.

This is a great idea if your kid is on board (and my guess would be a yes.) Tell grandma you are all head over heels and the die is cast. Then do what you want and alert them after the facts if/when something has changed. I also like the idea of actually getting head over heels about said state school so DC has a safety they are happy about. Win-win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

??? Go away, troll.

It doesn’t make me a troll. If your parents were smart enough to have produced a tippy top college student they’re smart enough to have the changed landscape explained to them.

In your case, it’s more than that. It’s not just the changed landscape. It sounds like even under the prior landscape your kid wouldn’t have been Ivy material. Am I right? You made a point of saying that that’s how you raised him. So who are you trying to convince?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

??? Go away, troll.

It doesn’t make me a troll. If your parents were smart enough to have produced a tippy top college student they’re smart enough to have the changed landscape explained to them.

In your case, it’s more than that. It’s not just the changed landscape. It sounds like even under the prior landscape your kid wouldn’t have been Ivy material. Am I right? You made a point of saying that that’s how you raised him. So who are you trying to convince?

OP back. Thank you so much everyone for the comments and suggestions! I am reading them all and please please keep them coming. They are truly helpful.

The above pp is right in a sense about their point that I didn't raise my kid to be "Ivy material," but not right that I am defensive or unhappy about this. I have no idea, truly, how DD would have fared under the 1990s system. Like many folks, I can't imagine I'd have been admitted today to the places I got in then. I was a pretty typical upper-middle class kid with a lot of privilege and opportunities. I also grew up in a very high-pressure home where I was expected to perform and was afraid to be open with my parents if I didn't ace a test. DH and I knew we didn't want that environment for our kids. And of course our kids are who they are, they have the interests they have, and my goal is to support them in who they are and not try to mold them into someone else.

My parents are familiar with the fact that admissions stats have changed, but argue that that doesn't mean a whole lot because the admissions stats are low since students apply to so many more schools. I admit I haven't dug into the data myself though I assume there are also a lot more students applying to college now than 30 years ago. I guess I could gather more statistics on this though admit I'm a bit crabby to even spend time on this! But maybe it's worthwhile, I don't know.

I do think I need to really hold them at bay because as a pp warned, they could significantly ramp up the stress. I'm still struggling with exactly what to say and what to share and not share. It feels different than keeping out friends or more distant family. There I would find it easier to simply say, "This is a stressful time for DD but we'd love to share with you once she knows where she's going!" My parents will be outraged if I say something like that to them, but maybe I just need to suck it up and be a grownup here, and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Tell your parents that your classmates who only got into those lousy schools ended up with much better lives than you did. That is what I told my parents. If they are still not satisfied, tell them those classmates seem to have a better relationship with their parents.

[Anonymous]

A lot of us are in the same boat with our parents. They can’t understand why many of us were able to get into T-30’s with (or despite) their hands-off free-range 1980’s parenting, while out enriched, helicoptered kids are lucky to get into places that were considered Safeties during our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

??? Go away, troll.

It doesn’t make me a troll. If your parents were smart enough to have produced a tippy top college student they’re smart enough to have the changed landscape explained to them.

In your case, it’s more than that. It’s not just the changed landscape. It sounds like even under the prior landscape your kid wouldn’t have been Ivy material. Am I right? You made a point of saying that that’s how you raised him. So who are you trying to convince?

OP back. Thank you so much everyone for the comments and suggestions! I am reading them all and please please keep them coming. They are truly helpful.

The above pp is right in a sense about their point that I didn't raise my kid to be "Ivy material," but not right that I am defensive or unhappy about this. I have no idea, truly, how DD would have fared under the 1990s system. Like many folks, I can't imagine I'd have been admitted today to the places I got in then. I was a pretty typical upper-middle class kid with a lot of privilege and opportunities. I also grew up in a very high-pressure home where I was expected to perform and was afraid to be open with my parents if I didn't ace a test. DH and I knew we didn't want that environment for our kids. And of course our kids are who they are, they have the interests they have, and my goal is to support them in who they are and not try to mold them into someone else.

My parents are familiar with the fact that admissions stats have changed, but argue that that doesn't mean a whole lot because the admissions stats are low since students apply to so many more schools. I admit I haven't dug into the data myself though I assume there are also a lot more students applying to college now than 30 years ago. I guess I could gather more statistics on this though admit I'm a bit crabby to even spend time on this! But maybe it's worthwhile, I don't know.

I do think I need to really hold them at bay because as a pp warned, they could significantly ramp up the stress. I'm still struggling with exactly what to say and what to share and not share. It feels different than keeping out friends or more distant family. There I would find it easier to simply say, "This is a stressful time for DD but we'd love to share with you once she knows where she's going!" My parents will be outraged if I say something like that to them, but maybe I just need to suck it up and be a grownup here, and deal with it.

This is exactly what you need to do, even stress caused to you is wrong, as you need to be strong for kid. If they’d be outraged then I’m sorry, their opinion wouldn’t mean much to me and they are being awful parents/grandparens/humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

??? Go away, troll.

It doesn’t make me a troll. If your parents were smart enough to have produced a tippy top college student they’re smart enough to have the changed landscape explained to them.

In your case, it’s more than that. It’s not just the changed landscape. It sounds like even under the prior landscape your kid wouldn’t have been Ivy material. Am I right? You made a point of saying that that’s how you raised him. So who are you trying to convince?

PP you replied to. I am not the OP. I can just spot an argumentative contrarian a mile away. Just leave. You want to make OP feel bad, that's all. The people who have survived recent admissions cycle know what they're talking about - it's stressful when there are undue expectations, and Ivies are undue expectations even for the best students! If you don't get that, just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have to wonder if you yourself are disappointed or defensive about your kid’s college prospects and for that reason are doing a little projecting here.

??? Go away, troll.

It doesn’t make me a troll. If your parents were smart enough to have produced a tippy top college student they’re smart enough to have the changed landscape explained to them.

In your case, it’s more than that. It’s not just the changed landscape. It sounds like even under the prior landscape your kid wouldn’t have been Ivy material. Am I right? You made a point of saying that that’s how you raised him. So who are you trying to convince?

OP back. Thank you so much everyone for the comments and suggestions! I am reading them all and please please keep them coming. They are truly helpful.

The above pp is right in a sense about their point that I didn't raise my kid to be "Ivy material," but not right that I am defensive or unhappy about this. I have no idea, truly, how DD would have fared under the 1990s system. Like many folks, I can't imagine I'd have been admitted today to the places I got in then. I was a pretty typical upper-middle class kid with a lot of privilege and opportunities. I also grew up in a very high-pressure home where I was expected to perform and was afraid to be open with my parents if I didn't ace a test. DH and I knew we didn't want that environment for our kids. And of course our kids are who they are, they have the interests they have, and my goal is to support them in who they are and not try to mold them into someone else.

My parents are familiar with the fact that admissions stats have changed, but argue that that doesn't mean a whole lot because the admissions stats are low since students apply to so many more schools. I admit I haven't dug into the data myself though I assume there are also a lot more students applying to college now than 30 years ago. I guess I could gather more statistics on this though admit I'm a bit crabby to even spend time on this! But maybe it's worthwhile, I don't know.

I do think I need to really hold them at bay because as a pp warned, they could significantly ramp up the stress. I'm still struggling with exactly what to say and what to share and not share. It feels different than keeping out friends or more distant family. There I would find it easier to simply say, "This is a stressful time for DD but we'd love to share with you once she knows where she's going!" My parents will be outraged if I say something like that to them, but maybe I just need to suck it up and be a grownup here, and deal with it.

This situation is uncovering an underlying problem - your relationship with your parents, and the fact that they seem to hold great sway over your mental health. If you're afraid of their reactions regarding your family's life decisions, that speaks volumes. It's unfortunate that it's only now, at a time of great stress for your child, that this might be showdown time with your parents. They needed to learn their lesson many decades ago.

If you can find a way to wiggle out of a direct confrontation, sure. But they will keep doing this, for your next kid, or other life decisions. I would be blunt, and then let them have whatever fit they want.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You need to be willing to buffer your dc from your parents. State your boundaries, keeping it breezy and light. Be calm but firm if they cross a line. Enforce consequences if they cross a line twice.

Don’t give them any ideas, but let’s say they call DC’s cell to grill her about her grades. You call them when she’s not around and say that they cannot do that again. If it happens a second time, you will be blocking their number on DC’s phone. You’ll unblock it after she has chosen a school and you’ve paid the deposit. If they cross your boundary, you block them on DC’s cell phone. They will be livid. Remind them that you love them, but we are limiting DC’s stress during the process. If it’s true, you can say that you’ve paid a counselor and you want dc to hear consistent advice from a single source. You’ll be happy to share the final outcome once she commits.

[Anonymous]

I’d let your kids handle it, helping them if needed. Learning how to deal graciously with annoying or impolite people is a skill.
And you sound far too invested in what your parents think.

[Anonymous]

I feel like they need to experience a couple high-stats kids they know to not get in. Maybe drop where the valedictorian is going if its not an ivy. I feel like repetition of the data is the only way to get the point across, and the more personal the data (friends lids not getting in, etc.) the better it sinks in.

If the above can’t be done, I would not engage/do damage control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your parents that your classmates who only got into those lousy schools ended up with much better lives than you did. That is what I told my parents. If they are still not satisfied, tell them those classmates seem to have a better relationship with their parents.

So…lie to OP’s parents?

Most of my HS classmates ended up much worse off which has nothing to do with the college they attended (which wasn’t a top school)…some legitimately dropped from UMC to LMC.

[Anonymous]

These aren’t rational or open-minded people, don’t play games just tell them (you or kid) you’re keeping it private and when there is something to know they’ll be top of the list. Then shut it down and don’t engage.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the instances when having non-Asian immigrant parents has worked to our advantage. My mom really cannot comment on any universities, except for Harvard or maybe Berkeley (we used to live in the SF Bay area).

[Anonymous]

Just quickly say they were accepted to Stamford but decided to attend Penn state. They are old and will hear Stanford.