BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Changing/dropping birthday dinner plans is reasonable to expect for a brother’s wedding.

Expecting a family to travel to Australia with 4 weeks notice is totally unreasonable.

I do think your DH should go to his brother’s wedding if he can make it work.

We just got a save the date for my BIL’s wedding in Europe next year. You need to give people notice for an international wedding. It isn’t even Europe or Hawaii. Australia is really hard to get to!

OP already said they’d love to go if they didn’t have other plans.

So the expense and four weeks notice is not an issue for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

I cannot believe you are comparing your birthday dinner to a wedding.

I have 3 kids. Can you not see why it is important for your DH to go is the exact same reason why you want to have dinner with all your kids except a wedding is a much bigger event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Are you seriously saying FIL is being influenced about sides regarding a wedding and a birthday??? I know this is a second wedding but a wedding is a once in a lifetime event. Son’s wedding is much greater than DIL’s birthday.

I would move heaven and earth to go to my child’s wedding. DIL’s birthday?? Come on. Are you serious???

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Get BIL an Outback gift card. Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

You are getting in quite a lather for a troll post.

[Anonymous]

You have to learn not to let it bother you when others are upset. This last minute trip doesn’t work for you. You have plans AND others have made travel plans with you. You aren’t going to dump them and cancel everything to accommodate a clueless idiot.

Who cares if he is trying to turn father in law into his flying monkey. Ignore!

Stop trying to justify! You don’t need to do this. In fact you make it worse. The more you say oooh we would do it if only we didn’t have X planned..then the more they feel they can argue X isn’t as important.

It’s fine to say oh I wish it wasn’t so last minute! We never imagined after years of dating you would just spring a last minute announcement! Or make a joke..hey, are you sure you didn’t plan this months ago, most people declined so now we are getting a B list invite? You could swing the crappy behavior back on them..gee FIL it’s pretty clear that they either don’t want us there or don’t care because who in their right mind invites someone to a wedding in Australia in just a few weeks.

Honestly, this may be it. If BIL is cheap he probably doesn’t want to pay for a big wedding. Doing it last minute cuts down the guest list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

Agree!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

OP never objects to the cost or raises any issues about having an actual job. Either for herself or her husband. So that’s not the issue.

Agree having other people change their travel plans is. So OP stays and her husband goes.

This really isn’t difficult. OP is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Are you seriously saying FIL is being influenced about sides regarding a wedding and a birthday??? I know this is a second wedding but a wedding is a once in a lifetime event. Son’s wedding is much greater than DIL’s birthday.

I would move heaven and earth to go to my child’s wedding. DIL’s birthday?? Come on. Are you serious???

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just roll my eyes at people who make a huge ceremony over a meal. Some people love "special dinners" to gaze at each other in candlelight or whatever, but I think it's pressure and a command performance and I hate it. Maybe your BIL is someone who thinks like me.

I do understand it's a big deal to have your children together, I just DGAF about your reservation and think you really made a mistake emphasizing that.

And some people DGAF about a second marriage, which is statistically more doomed than the first. Invite me to your 20 year vow renewal, then I’ll believe in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You can't attend due to dinner reservations.

Prepare to be excluded from other things moving forward far as your BIL-SIL are concerned

I mean...they live in Australia? OP probably isn't expecting invitations to Sunday dinner, or weekends at the beach together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Are you seriously saying FIL is being influenced about sides regarding a wedding and a birthday??? I know this is a second wedding but a wedding is a once in a lifetime event. Son’s wedding is much greater than DIL’s birthday.

I would move heaven and earth to go to my child’s wedding. DIL’s birthday?? Come on. Are you serious???

Re-read this sentence you just wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

+1000. I can't believe people are giving OP a hard time because she isn't dropping everything to go to a wedding on the other side of the world with 4 weeks notice. I've never been invited to a wedding with less than 6 weeks notice even if it was around the corner! Honestly, I would have assumed he didn't really want people to come with such short notice. Truly obnoxious.