BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

It would possibly be the consensus if OP weren't such a self-centered princess herself. I just spent 2 hours running around trying to figure out a stupid birthday gift for my BIL who is throwing himself a "lavish" birthday party tomorrow, a 3-hour drive from here. That was 2 hours of a busy day I won't get back, then I will be in the car for over 6 hours tomorrow so he can be the center of attention for 4 hours, when he is way too old for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

It would possibly be the consensus if OP weren't such a self-centered princess herself. I just spent 2 hours running around trying to figure out a stupid birthday gift for my BIL who is throwing himself a "lavish" birthday party tomorrow, a 3-hour drive from here. That was 2 hours of a busy day I won't get back, then I will be in the car for over 6 hours tomorrow so he can be the center of attention for 4 hours, when he is way too old for it.

No one’s forcing you to go. Use your words if you feel so strongly about this instead of whining to strangers. OP’s guests had free will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

It would possibly be the consensus if OP weren't such a self-centered princess herself. I just spent 2 hours running around trying to figure out a stupid birthday gift for my BIL who is throwing himself a "lavish" birthday party tomorrow, a 3-hour drive from here. That was 2 hours of a busy day I won't get back, then I will be in the car for over 6 hours tomorrow so he can be the center of attention for 4 hours, when he is way too old for it.

Said the poster who just made it all about herself…

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s fine to decline but if this were my brother whom I love dearly but who is bad at planning and logistics and always has been, I would cancel my party and fly to Australia.

That said, my brother would never be mad if I said I couldn’t go, he would just be understanding and sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

It would possibly be the consensus if OP weren't such a self-centered princess herself. I just spent 2 hours running around trying to figure out a stupid birthday gift for my BIL who is throwing himself a "lavish" birthday party tomorrow, a 3-hour drive from here. That was 2 hours of a busy day I won't get back, then I will be in the car for over 6 hours tomorrow so he can be the center of attention for 4 hours, when he is way too old for it.

So then you would see how inconvenient it would be to drop everything and fly to Australia, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

It would possibly be the consensus if OP weren't such a self-centered princess herself. I just spent 2 hours running around trying to figure out a stupid birthday gift for my BIL who is throwing himself a "lavish" birthday party tomorrow, a 3-hour drive from here. That was 2 hours of a busy day I won't get back, then I will be in the car for over 6 hours tomorrow so he can be the center of attention for 4 hours, when he is way too old for it.

That's on you. Send your spouse (and kids if schedule allows) or RSVP "NO". And your spouse can buy their own brother's birthday gift.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

I wouldn't dream that anyone would drop everything and come to my wedding either, but if I invited someone and they took the time to tell me they weren't coming to my wedding because they had a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, I would certainly feel some kind of way about that.

OP's husband should have just said "so sorry we can't make it, take lots of pictures" and kept it moving. Telling the whole family that none of his family is attending the wedding because she has a birthday party the week before and a fancy dinner reservation the week after is . . . either intentionally rude or simply foolish.

It is NOt a "dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant"! It's "dinner with all of our grown kids in ONe place that we have planned for months to make happen. Most had to fly to get there and arrange their vacation/work schedule to make it happen" dinner to celebrate mom.

OP, how many of the other posts are actually you? I kind of suspected. Take the whole wedding out of the picture--and entire two weekends that simply cannot be changed to celebrate your birthday is the height of self-centeredness and immaturity. Seriously, go volunteer or something.

I'm the PP (not the OP). It doesn't matter if it's bday celebration or not. It's planned events with friends and family, just like the BIL wedding. Except OP actually planned in advance (not 4 weeks out) and isn't expecting others to change/cacnel their plans to attend. When you plan in advance, people get to choose if they want to attend.

See, but this is the thing: people like OP deliberately plan many many months in advance so people simply don't have any excuses. They have to commit. My in-laws are like this. They start demanding we commit to visits, trips, anything. We have college and young adult kids and we finally just say, sorry, we just can't commit that far in advance--our kids' internships, jobs, school schedules, etc. just aren't set yet. OP is like them. She locked all this stuff in months in advance--for her birthday. Very very self-centered.

Wow, so I think OP's post doesn't make a lot of sense, but some of us plan months in advance because we HAVE to. We have elementary school aged kids, summer camp enrollment is in February, and my PTO is limited and has to cover holiday breaks as well. If I'm taking a week off work and we're avoiding camp weeks for a trip with family I have to know before January. Time off and childcare gets plotted months in advance. That's how it works.

My in laws all have no kids, adult/home schooled kids, and/or SAHPs, so none of them have ever had to plan for summer childcare or coordinate PTO for school breaks. But having to plan for a gigantic extended family summer rental before MAY is quite reasonable. Not everyone is flexible until the last minute.

Correct. Some people are flexible at the last minute, and others don't have crystal balls to know their situations months to a year out. This is particularly true of college and young adults who have internships, summer jobs, etc. but won't know what's possible for time off that far in advance. Get it? Life does not revolve around parents all the time--and advance planning doesn't work for everyone. You may desperately want to commit to that "gigantic extended family summer rental," but then please be fair to those who may have to wind up canceling because school or job commitments came up. It's the advance planners who lack any flexibililty that really irritate me.

Oh, I don't desperately want to commit. I would rather plan my own vacation. But the eight young adult cousins and their partners who are coming are all allowed to telework from the rental, unlike me. My entire family will be sharing one room because our kids are the youngest, sharing a bathroom with an unknown number of said young adults, and we'll all be sharing the cost for the childless sibling and her partner who decided not to come. So no, really not feeling like life revolves around parents of young children. Sorry you're having that experience, though.

So many people on this board just want to feel sorry for themselves. Lady, you are an adult with choices.

Dp but isn't that what BIL is doing? Totally agree there are reasons that people either may need to plan or not plan far in advance (though i would consider a wedding halfway around the world to be one that requires advanced notice). It's all fine as long as people are understanding when others can't make it or can't commit. They are all adults making the choices they want and need to make.

Op and her family had set plans before the wedding date was set. They declined. BIL is actually the one whining and insisting that everyone drop their plans. The op said her husband repeated his response multiple times. BIL is a crybaby groomzilla.

I missed the post about BIL complaining about plans he agreed to. So no, it’s nothing like BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

That’s a function of OP’s writing. I’m guessing she is trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help me out here.
My BIL (husband's brother) got engaged a couple of years ago. He and his fiancee live in Australia and this will be second wedding for each. When they got engaged we thought their wedding would follow soon after - they are in their 50s, own their own home, no kids, financially comfortable, so no need to "save up" for the big event. When we visited shortly after she was excitedly showing me the cathedral (yes, really) where she wanted to be married. We were very happy for them, especially as BIL has struggled to settle with anyone long-term.

Fast-forward two years and still no sign of a wedding.

I'm celebrating a big birthday this year, and DH and I booked a small but lavish party for our dearest friends (venue, band, catering etc). As one of my children suddenly got a posting order overseas over that date and wouldn't be able to make the party, we booked a really good restaurant for the following weekend when he's briefly home, just for me, husband, all our children and my brother (my only living close relation). All this was booked, invitations sent etc four months ago.

BIL called my husband at the weekend "Guess what, we're getting married!" In four weeks' time. Right in the midweek between both my birthday celebrations (not in the cathedral, btw). My husband explained that because of short notice, booked commitments, distance to travel etc, we would sadly not be able to attend.

His side of the family are now ganging up on him. His other brother is going - but he had already arranged to visit with his kids anyway, which is maybe what spurred the Australia brother to accelerate wedding plans. My father in law lives in a care home (not far from us, so we see him regularly) and not able to attend. But my BIL has obviously been in contact with him as FIL is expressing his disappointment in my husband that we're not going.

Time and again my husband has told them that we had already made plans over that period for my birthday but he's hearing "People are coming from all over the world for this - they dropped their plans to be with us."

For my part, I find it disrespectful that they are urging him to abandon the plans we made for my birthday in favour of an event that appeared at such short notice. Part of me feels it might be gracious to drop the family dinner the weekend after the party, but it's so rare that we're all able to be together, and that date is closest to my birthday anyway. My husband could just about get out to his brother's wedding and back again for the family meal - but he'll be shattered by the travel.

Whatever we do, or don't do, will upset someone. What would you do?

Keep original plans. BIL and relatives are being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe there are 29 pages and anything but a consensus that a mandate to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 freaking weeks notice is a non-starter. 1 month’s notice after a 2 year engagement for a second marriage? Lmfao.

It would possibly be the consensus if OP weren't such a self-centered princess herself. I just spent 2 hours running around trying to figure out a stupid birthday gift for my BIL who is throwing himself a "lavish" birthday party tomorrow, a 3-hour drive from here. That was 2 hours of a busy day I won't get back, then I will be in the car for over 6 hours tomorrow so he can be the center of attention for 4 hours, when he is way too old for it.

No one’s forcing you to go. Use your words if you feel so strongly about this instead of whining to strangers. OP’s guests had free will.

+1 and no one made you spend 2 hrs getting a gift when you could have ordered some cr@p on Amazon.

No wonder your days are so "busy" lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:LOL at all the Bridezillas on this thread salty that people might actually have backbones.

What’s the word for the Princess making a big deal about her birthday?

It’s called Good Planner.

Or at minimum, Good Host.

Again imagine the thread here that starts “my mom and dad asked us to come in for my moms bday and now they’re cancelling last minute to see my uncle in Australia have his SECOND wedding”

[Anonymous]

Tell BIL that you’ll be happy to attend his third wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell BIL that you’ll be happy to attend his third wedding.

😄😄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell BIL that you’ll be happy to attend his third wedding.

👍

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, but how could you possibly enjoy the dinner knowing your husband (seemingly a generous and good person) now faces "long-held resentment" from his family because he couldn't go to the wedding? And how can he enjoy the dinner if he is eaten up with guilt?

I don't think a month's notice is a big deal. If you have family overseas things happen all the time and you drop everything and you go. NBD. It's a long flight but that's about it. It's not like you need vaccinations or special prep to go to Australia.

Think of this as special time your husband can spend with his siblings. Something that doesn't happen often I'm sure and who knows when it will happen again.

You’re completely wrong. If you have family overseas, with exception of a medical emergency, you consult people in advance, give extra notice and don’t demand they drop everything at your convenience. We are not talking about a 7.5 hour flight to the UK here. Australia is 30 hours door to door each way.