BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop….you are digging a bigger hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Your dislike is still showing. You seem to have really biased thinking here.

You have no idea why the cathedral thing didn't happen. Maybe it was all booked up. Maybe it was too pricey. Maybe the divorces made them ineligible. Maybe they weren't willing to take the class. There's all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with misogyny.

It's normal for FIL to feel like this is important. It's a wedding and most people think weddings matter more than birthdays. FIL probably feels bad he can't go, and wants your DH to represent him. And FIL probably knows he doesn't have long left, so he wants the brothers to have a good relationship and his son to start his marriage with family support. This is all totally normal for him to feel. It's not "taking sides", it's being a normal person. It's just you who thinks your 2.0 birthday celebration is a huuuuuge deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the “4 weeks to go to Australia is crazy” mentality. If you already have a passport and money isn’t an issue, what’s hard about that?

Exactly it doesn't seem like either of these is an issue for op and her family.

[Anonymous]

Can you have your very special dinner in Australia?

It seems your husband wants to go and you don't.

So he goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Your dislike is still showing. You seem to have really biased thinking here.

You have no idea why the cathedral thing didn't happen. Maybe it was all booked up. Maybe it was too pricey. Maybe the divorces made them ineligible. Maybe they weren't willing to take the class. There's all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with misogyny.

It's normal for FIL to feel like this is important. It's a wedding and most people think weddings matter more than birthdays. FIL probably feels bad he can't go, and wants your DH to represent him. And FIL probably knows he doesn't have long left, so he wants the brothers to have a good relationship and his son to start his marriage with family support. This is all totally normal for him to feel. It's not "taking sides", it's being a normal person. It's just you who thinks your 2.0 birthday celebration is a huuuuuge deal.

Yeah ops giving strong narcissist vibes

[Anonymous]

You really need to post the days if the week. So your birthday party is on a Saturday that you booked a venue and band. Then the following weekend is a family dinner which is the same day as the wedding?

Why can’t you have your birthday celebration at the venue then cancel the family dinner? Then fly to Australia with your husband on Monday? That way all three brothers can be at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop….you are digging a bigger hole.

A big fat troll hole.

[Anonymous]

OK, if this is a short term overseas assignment for your son, I don't get the urgency of having a family dinner, except that you seem to think your birthday is a national holiday.

[Anonymous]

Lots of boomer energy from OP. What birthday is this? If it is 60th or below you are technically GenX and making us look bad. Do better.

Husband should just go solo. You effed up by telling them you couldn't go because of your lavish multiweek birthday celebrations. You could have easily come up with a better excuse and not had all this drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, if this is a short term overseas assignment for your son, I don't get the urgency of having a family dinner, except that you seem to think your birthday is a national holiday.

Seems like a compromise would be to reschedule the dinner to a date when your dc has returned from the overseas assignment even though it will be past your birthday.

Then you and dh can both go to the wedding. And you still get the fancy party with your friends (since from previous posts, it seems like the dinner was the conflict).

[Anonymous]

In this situation:

-DH would go to the wedding (which is what he would want to do- at least given the position he has been put in)

-I would stay home and enjoy the visit with my adult kids as planned (which is what I would want to do)

I’d leave the whole “meddling FIL” thing out of the equation (and I can tell that is really bothering you here). Yes he IS meddling but seems understandable and has nothing to do with being against you, against women or anything like that. He just wants his son to attend his brother’s wedding - which is a pretty normal request. I’d be pretty upset if one of my kids didn’t attend their sibling’s wedding (wouldn’t you?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

I dont understand these over the top adult birthday parties. 50 isn’t as important to anyone else but you those needing the attention from their friends. OPs post oozes of seniority and disdain for everyone else having a life outside her birthday. And oddly pissed about the Cathedral or lack there of for her SILs wedding. Sorry OP, No one cares if you go. They only care if DH goes. Enjoy your band.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like husband should stay for the party and then go to the wedding and you should skip the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Changing/dropping birthday dinner plans is reasonable to expect for a brother’s wedding.

Expecting a family to travel to Australia with 4 weeks notice is totally unreasonable.

I do think your DH should go to his brother’s wedding if he can make it work.

We just got a save the date for my BIL’s wedding in Europe next year. You need to give people notice for an international wedding. It isn’t even Europe or Hawaii. Australia is really hard to get to!