BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You can still have the birthday dinner - just not with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Husband goes to Australia, you stay home and have the celebration dinner with your kid when the kid is in town.

Divide and conquer.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the “4 weeks to go to Australia is crazy” mentality. If you already have a passport and money isn’t an issue, what’s hard about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You told them you had dinner plans. I can’t lie, I’d be incredibly hurt if my sibling told me they had to miss my wedding because of a dinner.

Are you saying now that your children are flying in to see you? Was this explained to your BIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You told them you had dinner plans. I can’t lie, I’d be incredibly hurt if my sibling told me they had to miss my wedding because of a dinner.

Are you saying now that your children are flying in to see you? Was this explained to your BIL?

Alternatively, springing an Australia wedding on siblings with 4 weeks notice is an indication that they don’t actually have to come.

[Anonymous]

I just roll my eyes at people who make a huge ceremony over a meal. Some people love "special dinners" to gaze at each other in candlelight or whatever, but I think it's pressure and a command performance and I hate it. Maybe your BIL is someone who thinks like me.

I do understand it's a big deal to have your children together, I just DGAF about your reservation and think you really made a mistake emphasizing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t going because you have dinner reservations?

Obviously, you don’t need to go, and you can do what you like, and your BIL shouldn’t pressure you, but your reason seems to be a dinner reservation.

I can see why he is hurt.

He’s hurt because he has a personality disorder and the rest of the family accommodates it. That said, unless OP wants to go to the grave hearing about this, she needs to cancel the dinner and send her DH to Australia.

If OP had said "One of our kids lives overseas, and will be in town that weekend, their siblings are flying in as well." I would have had sympathy. But the most important part of the weekend seems to be that the restaurant is fancy. After she snarks about her future SIL considering a cathedral for her wedding.

I'll also argue that planning a second wedding 4 weeks in advance doesn't read personality disorder as much as planning a birthday party so far in advance that someone else got orders to move overseas, moved overseas, and is coming back before the party does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You can still have the birthday dinner - just not with your DH.

OP, I’m curious how you might feel if one day one of your kids is declining to attend his siblings wedding because of a dinner for his wife’s birthday (in addition to a party). I mean, sure it’s a second wedding but there r only been 2 - how many birthdays will the wife get, lol.
I think the wedding is so much more important than a birthday and even the rare get-together of the adult kids.

[Anonymous]

I would send your husband and he can pound some espresso and suck it up for your oh so special reservation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize as this sounds like something you were really looking forward to.

But fast forward to the future & imagine it was one of your kids getting married, and the sibling declined to attend due to a similar situation. What would your opinion be then?? Case closed, and you know it.

It STINKS. But your DH needs to attend and he knows that. Don’t put him in this position. Let him go. If you don’t want to join him, that is fine IMO (up to you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

Do you understand a wedding takes precedence over a birthday, even a notable one? And that adults generally need not celebrate it on a particular date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

Now you're arguing that he shouldn't go because it's not fancy enough?

If it was the reverse, and someone said that their sister's wedding was more important than a man's second birthday party (for the same birthday), would anyone call that misandry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You told them you had dinner plans. I can’t lie, I’d be incredibly hurt if my sibling told me they had to miss my wedding because of a dinner.

Are you saying now that your children are flying in to see you? Was this explained to your BIL?

Alternatively, springing an Australia wedding on siblings with 4 weeks notice is an indication that they don’t actually have to come.

Sure, and if that’s the reason that seems more reasonable than “I have dinner plans”. But that’s not what OP said.

[Anonymous]

They are being unreasonable given the location and last minute notice

At the same time, dropping the family dinner - but not the bigger party - seems like a reasonable solution. I don’t think you should insist your husband miss his brothers wedding to go to your family birthday dinner as long as he makes your party the weekend before