BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

This, OMG. Sooo extra. Cancel celebration number 2 and go to the wedding.

For the last time, it's not a "2nd bday celebration" but more of a "we planned to have ALL of our grown kids home and this was the weekend that works. So the kids took time off work, booked flights and we will all be together for 4 or 5 days. Something they planned, when nobody else had anything "important" planned for that time. If the brother cared, he would have picked another time

Is this OP? What ended up happening?

No, that (this) is not OP. Just someone pointing out that the OP actually planned their gathering with their immediate family. Like smart people do who actually care about others. they plan

Where did the OP say everyone would be together for 4-5 days?

[Anonymous]

He should be. Family is family. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should be. Family is family. No excuses.

No excuses to not fly to Australia on a moment's notice?

[Anonymous]

Adult bday parties are weird

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update (although it's a bit low-key). DH resolved to do a quick trip to Australia (to keep the peace), but then a situation arose at his work that meant being absent created a whole new bunch of difficulties, so we were back to our original plans.

DH communicated all this to BIL ahead of his wedding, who was actually accepting of the situation (unlike earlier). DH has since spoken to his other brother, who you may recall was flying out to Australia anyway on vacation with his family. He attended the wedding and his report of the event was enlightening. He said it was a lovely occasion - exchange of vows in the garden - with just a handful of people BUT BIL was cagey about whether it was an "official" (ie legitimate) event and mentioned that they still had some paperwork to sort out. He had a friend officiating and the vows were "affirmations of commitment". So, we suspect that all the pressure he was piling on DH (and, by extension, FIL) was disingenuous. The event was clearly hastily arranged to coincide with other brother's visit and - to be charitable - maybe BIL was stressed about it all. Or - to be uncharitable - maybe it was all a power play

I was upset at the time about the pressure he was putting on DH, but have let that go. I find it harder to forgive how he used FIL to dripfeed more pressure. We will not mention any of this to FIL, as his memory slips and there seems no point in upsetting him.

Thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday: both events were wonderful as I was surrounded by my favorite people.

We have sent our good wishes to BIL and his partner (not sure if she is legally his wife yet) along with a "save the date" for the new year - FIL's 90th birthday. FIL is currently in good health and we hope he remains that way, so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update (although it's a bit low-key). DH resolved to do a quick trip to Australia (to keep the peace), but then a situation arose at his work that meant being absent created a whole new bunch of difficulties, so we were back to our original plans.

DH communicated all this to BIL ahead of his wedding, who was actually accepting of the situation (unlike earlier). DH has since spoken to his other brother, who you may recall was flying out to Australia anyway on vacation with his family. He attended the wedding and his report of the event was enlightening. He said it was a lovely occasion - exchange of vows in the garden - with just a handful of people BUT BIL was cagey about whether it was an "official" (ie legitimate) event and mentioned that they still had some paperwork to sort out. He had a friend officiating and the vows were "affirmations of commitment". So, we suspect that all the pressure he was piling on DH (and, by extension, FIL) was disingenuous. The event was clearly hastily arranged to coincide with other brother's visit and - to be charitable - maybe BIL was stressed about it all. Or - to be uncharitable - maybe it was all a power play

I was upset at the time about the pressure he was putting on DH, but have let that go. I find it harder to forgive how he used FIL to dripfeed more pressure. We will not mention any of this to FIL, as his memory slips and there seems no point in upsetting him.

Thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday: both events were wonderful as I was surrounded by my favorite people.

We have sent our good wishes to BIL and his partner (not sure if she is legally his wife yet) along with a "save the date" for the new year - FIL's 90th birthday. FIL is currently in good health and we hope he remains that way, so

Sounds like things have worked out. Glad to hear it and thanks for the update.

I wouldn't blame BIL for FIL's actions, though. He may not have known what he was up to.

[Anonymous]

Thanks OP! Love a good update. You made the right call. Hopefully BIL and SIL can eventually do a formal wedding and, with appropriate notice, you'll be able to make that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

This, OMG. Sooo extra. Cancel celebration number 2 and go to the wedding.

For the last time, it's not a "2nd bday celebration" but more of a "we planned to have ALL of our grown kids home and this was the weekend that works. So the kids took time off work, booked flights and we will all be together for 4 or 5 days. Something they planned, when nobody else had anything "important" planned for that time. If the brother cared, he would have picked another time

Is this OP? What ended up happening?

No, that (this) is not OP. Just someone pointing out that the OP actually planned their gathering with their immediate family. Like smart people do who actually care about others. they plan

Where did the OP say everyone would be together for 4-5 days?

It was a long weekend planned with all the kids coming "home" I believe. So to me "long weekend" is at least 3 days, but really 4-5. The length doesn't matter---it's the fact they PLANNED for this, people booked flights and took time off work for the immediate family to be together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update (although it's a bit low-key). DH resolved to do a quick trip to Australia (to keep the peace), but then a situation arose at his work that meant being absent created a whole new bunch of difficulties, so we were back to our original plans.

DH communicated all this to BIL ahead of his wedding, who was actually accepting of the situation (unlike earlier). DH has since spoken to his other brother, who you may recall was flying out to Australia anyway on vacation with his family. He attended the wedding and his report of the event was enlightening. He said it was a lovely occasion - exchange of vows in the garden - with just a handful of people BUT BIL was cagey about whether it was an "official" (ie legitimate) event and mentioned that they still had some paperwork to sort out. He had a friend officiating and the vows were "affirmations of commitment". So, we suspect that all the pressure he was piling on DH (and, by extension, FIL) was disingenuous. The event was clearly hastily arranged to coincide with other brother's visit and - to be charitable - maybe BIL was stressed about it all. Or - to be uncharitable - maybe it was all a power play

I was upset at the time about the pressure he was putting on DH, but have let that go. I find it harder to forgive how he used FIL to dripfeed more pressure. We will not mention any of this to FIL, as his memory slips and there seems no point in upsetting him.

Thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday: both events were wonderful as I was surrounded by my favorite people.

We have sent our good wishes to BIL and his partner (not sure if she is legally his wife yet) along with a "save the date" for the new year - FIL's 90th birthday. FIL is currently in good health and we hope he remains that way, so

Your BIL is gross if a mans work commitments are a “legitimate” reason for missing something but his family commitments aren’t. Happy Birthday OP.