DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

Right. And a simple "I'm a little under the weather, not up for company tonight. How about next weekend?" if the last minute-ness of it was just too much and a pivot felt impossible (seems it did). Again no one had to be the bad guy here.

[Anonymous]

Embrace imperfection, hire help, enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Embrace imperfection, hire help, enjoy life.

I’ll send you a Venmo request for that. Overwhelmed over here too. How much help are you willing to pay for because I am down for that Support!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

So it's a you problem. Un...clench

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow team OP here. I don't know how some of you function if you can just toss weekend chores away on whimsy! Carpe diem! Right Scarlett O'Haras? For some of us it isn't rigid control to get things done in an order---- it's survival! Once you're behind in the week you can never catch up. I don't know what y'all are dropping to catch up in the week. You're probably my coworkers. Or the DH!

I just had a four-day weekend of hosting friends at our house overnight followed by six days out of town for our kids' sport followed by another four-day weekend of hosting friends at our house overnight. I've gotten much less sleep than normal, I am way behind on laundry, our fridge is basically empty except for a jar of pickles, and I have a huge to do list both at home and at work. But you know what? You DO only live once. Maybe losing a parent young makes me see things differently, but I will generally try to make time with friends and family or things for my kids happen if it all possible. And sometimes it's not and I say no. But other times we have full hampers for the entire week and just do emergency loads as needed. Sometimes we eat PB&J for dinner one night or order pizza. I've always worked full-time in an industry that has peaks and valleys of busy times but is not quiet during the summer or the winter holidays, but I still try to make an effort to push things then because those are the times things often come up. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, and I'm very much a Type A person who would prefer my house to be perfectly clean and organized every single day but I've had to relax those standards in order to live life sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow team OP here. I don't know how some of you function if you can just toss weekend chores away on whimsy! Carpe diem! Right Scarlett O'Haras? For some of us it isn't rigid control to get things done in an order---- it's survival! Once you're behind in the week you can never catch up. I don't know what y'all are dropping to catch up in the week. You're probably my coworkers. Or the DH!

If your weekend chores prevent you from spending time with your loved ones or having any spontaneity then you need reprioritize your week.

Are you working parents? Weekend chores esp Sunday night is part of the package. Unless you are $$$ and hired a house manager.

I'm not PP but we both work FT and always have. We no longer have a nanny or a house manager since our kids are now late elementary. Can I ask what you're doing the rest of the weekend? And how many kids do you have? I have two and Saturday from 5:30 am to 5:30 pm Saturday was taken up with sports but Sunday we didn't have that. If you are out of town for a weekend tournament then I get the Sunday night stuff. Otherwise why don't you have time before Sunday night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow team OP here. I don't know how some of you function if you can just toss weekend chores away on whimsy! Carpe diem! Right Scarlett O'Haras? For some of us it isn't rigid control to get things done in an order---- it's survival! Once you're behind in the week you can never catch up. I don't know what y'all are dropping to catch up in the week. You're probably my coworkers. Or the DH!

I just had a four-day weekend of hosting friends at our house overnight followed by six days out of town for our kids' sport followed by another four-day weekend of hosting friends at our house overnight. I've gotten much less sleep than normal, I am way behind on laundry, our fridge is basically empty except for a jar of pickles, and I have a huge to do list both at home and at work. But you know what? You DO only live once. Maybe losing a parent young makes me see things differently, but I will generally try to make time with friends and family or things for my kids happen if it all possible. And sometimes it's not and I say no. But other times we have full hampers for the entire week and just do emergency loads as needed. Sometimes we eat PB&J for dinner one night or order pizza. I've always worked full-time in an industry that has peaks and valleys of busy times but is not quiet during the summer or the winter holidays, but I still try to make an effort to push things then because those are the times things often come up. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, and I'm very much a Type A person who would prefer my house to be perfectly clean and organized every single day but I've had to relax those standards in order to live life sometimes.

Curious if these visits were planned an hour before everyone's arrival, and if the visitors were your friends or if they're a random family that your kids were hanging out with at the pool? I think these are different scenarios. I think most people are happy to host people they know and love and stretch themselves to make those kinds of times together happen, but it's different to scramble for random people at the last minute and still put a cheery spin on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

You’re fine OP. Clearly this is in recent topics and folks are being way more easy breezy than in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

No offense, but you do sound like the Mean Mommy. The fact that you cannot possibly see how that could be says that maybe you are not the best judge of the situation. You sound like are just set on feeling angry about the things you have to do, but nothing you are doing sounds that onerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Seriously? Taking kids to the pool can be exhausting. I bet OP would have complained if she had taken the one child to the pool and then her husband had invited people over before she got home and she was mad because she'd just spent the day in the sun.

Sometimes I take the kids to the pool. Sometimes my husband does. They're different kinds of work (unless you're relaxing at home while they're gone, which is fine).

He didn't pile on a ton more work for her - burgers are pretty easy and it didn't sound like he wanted her to be the one cooking them anyway. Also, he left...for work? Not like he just peaced out Monday morning. So he probably wanted to see friends since he's gone all the time for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

No offense, but you do sound like the Mean Mommy. The fact that you cannot possibly see how that could be says that maybe you are not the best judge of the situation. You sound like are just set on feeling angry about the things you have to do, but nothing you are doing sounds that onerous.

She’s exhausted and trying to get ahead for the next round of travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.