DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

DH was traveling Sun-late Friday, and every other week since the first week of June. I was barely holding things together this week and spent yesterday running the kids around to their stuff while he did laundry and caught up on sleep. Today I had a ton of chores to do to get set for the week so he took DD to the pool.

He called me at 6 pm from the pool (was supposed to be leaving at 5 to come home to make dinner) and said DD was having fun with friends and could her friends’ family come over and they could just get some extra meat to grill and it would be no big deal.

We can’t eat outside, too hot, the kitchen is a wreck because I’m meal prepping for the week, DD needed to be in bed at 8 for an early camp wake up Monday, and I have an early meeting. DH knew all this but put it on me to be the bad guy and realize this “plan” was a non-starter. And he did it all on the phone in front of the other family and the kids.

I’m so mad! Why couldn’t he just say to DD “no, that won’t work tonight”? Why couldn’t he even think through anything more than an hour in advance?

I hate that I never get to be the fun parent and that I’m killing spontaneity, but I also know that I’m the one who pays for spontaneity and flexibility by sleeping less and doing more in the wee hours or by scrambling during the day. And I’m hot and tired and have been going full tilt for weeks.

[Anonymous]

Super annoying. Why not just say that he’ll have to stop at the store to get more food- you are tied up

[Anonymous]

I don’t think he cares about the dirty kitchen, eating outside, or the strict 8pm bedtime. Realistically they could have come over and grilled some food and left by 8 and he thought that would be fine. That in itself isn’t wrong, but it’s very different from what you would consider acceptable (also not wrong). You need to get on the same page about last minute plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he cares about the dirty kitchen, eating outside, or the strict 8pm bedtime. Realistically they could have come over and grilled some food and left by 8 and he thought that would be fine. That in itself isn’t wrong, but it’s very different from what you would consider acceptable (also not wrong). You need to get on the same page about last minute plans.

Especially when someone else is doing all the prepping, cleaning, cooking, bedtime, and wakeup!

[Anonymous]

What an idiot. Invites a whole family with kids over for you to clean the kitchen projects and cook for 8-10 people with no notice or thought.

Enjoy your $200 pizza order and paper plates. What a generous thoughtful guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he cares about the dirty kitchen, eating outside, or the strict 8pm bedtime. Realistically they could have come over and grilled some food and left by 8 and he thought that would be fine. That in itself isn’t wrong, but it’s very different from what you would consider acceptable (also not wrong). You need to get on the same page about last minute plans.

He doesn’t care about anything (you, kids, bedtime before day camp, food defrosting/prepping/cooking/clean up) except pissing out money to impress some family he barely knows.

Is he an naive ignorant fool about everything that needs to get done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he cares about the dirty kitchen, eating outside, or the strict 8pm bedtime. Realistically they could have come over and grilled some food and left by 8 and he thought that would be fine. That in itself isn’t wrong, but it’s very different from what you would consider acceptable (also not wrong). You need to get on the same page about last minute plans.

Especially when someone else is doing all the prepping, cleaning, cooking, bedtime, and wakeup!

If he or the other family stops at the store for burgers/hot dogs, buns, soda, and chips there’s very little prepping or cleaning required. OP has the right to be angry, but she was clearly already upset before this even happened. They need to sit down and actually talk about how this kind of hosting doesn’t work for her and how to share the load going forward with his work travel.

[Anonymous]

He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

[Anonymous]

or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

[Anonymous]

What you described is why I don't cook or meal plan anymore for the family. We heat up meals I get from a nearby catering service or order out. I have healthy stuff to make lunches. If I get a day off, I do things for myself. This is the only way to keep your sanity in a marriage if your spouse isn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

100%

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your kid and what time is camp wake-up. I am surprised by how often I hear about kids having to go to bed early because of an early camp wake-up. It isn't school where you need a well functioning brain. I'm not saying kids can just stay up late every night when in camp, but the occasional late night is not going to hurt them.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is disconnected and doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your kid and what time is camp wake-up. I am surprised by how often I hear about kids having to go to bed early because of an early camp wake-up. It isn't school where you need a well functioning brain. I'm not saying kids can just stay up late every night when in camp, but the occasional late night is not going to hurt them.

Early wake up for camp is usually so kids can be dropped off at camp and parents can work.