Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.
OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.
Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.
I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.
The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.
Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!
You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.
Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.
It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.
My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:
9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner
I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.
OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.
DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.
OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.
DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.
So when your DH was with the kids at the pool on Sunday, was that also work for him? You make it seem like he was just relaxing by himself.
The trickle of information about the additional burdens just seems like you are making things up. So your DH always fails at laundry? He really doesn't help with any of the other weekend chores when he is home alone on Saturday? I doubt he slept all Saturday, unless his job involves international travel and he was jet lagged.
I'm still not clear why having from lunchtime to 6pm alone at home was not enough time to meal prep for the week and handle other normal weekend chores. But I agree with the other PP -- have him take the kids to the pool on Saturday, or do the birthday party drive, or whatever. Maybe skip lunch with his parents on Sunday. It seems like you would rather be bitter than solve your problems. And when you hold onto bitterness, you end up feeling like the "bad guy" because, to most people, you are.
He sits in a chair fondling his iPhone like half the dads there with their kids.
That makes no sense. OP has to be in the water with her son because she's a woman but her husband doesn't? If the rule is based on age then that doesn't work.
What rule?
If it wasn’t in the original post it’s trolling
Sigh. OP said that the rule of their pool was someone had to be in the water with the 6 year old.
What page was this gem disclosed by OP?
Idk. Go look. Lazy
It sounded like two different pool situations tbh. Like the am pool visit was at a lesson/rec pool, and the social pool visit was in their neighborhood.
This made me laugh and laugh. You would make up two pools rather than contemplate that OP is exaggerating about her burden.
OP and it was ONE POOL.
And two separate trips the same day and with a different kid.
Little kid in AM needed parental monitoring whilst in the pool. Mom went
Older kid in PM did not. Dad went. Invited other families over for dinner since Mom was home meal prepping lunch boxes and dinners for the week.
OP chose the afternoon swim activity. Super lame to complain about it.
Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.
OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.
Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.
I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.
The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.
Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!
You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.
Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.
It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.
My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:
9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner
I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.
OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.
DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.
OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.
DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.
So when your DH was with the kids at the pool on Sunday, was that also work for him? You make it seem like he was just relaxing by himself.
The trickle of information about the additional burdens just seems like you are making things up. So your DH always fails at laundry? He really doesn't help with any of the other weekend chores when he is home alone on Saturday? I doubt he slept all Saturday, unless his job involves international travel and he was jet lagged.
I'm still not clear why having from lunchtime to 6pm alone at home was not enough time to meal prep for the week and handle other normal weekend chores. But I agree with the other PP -- have him take the kids to the pool on Saturday, or do the birthday party drive, or whatever. Maybe skip lunch with his parents on Sunday. It seems like you would rather be bitter than solve your problems. And when you hold onto bitterness, you end up feeling like the "bad guy" because, to most people, you are.
He sits in a chair fondling his iPhone like half the dads there with their kids.
That makes no sense. OP has to be in the water with her son because she's a woman but her husband doesn't? If the rule is based on age then that doesn't work.
What rule?
If it wasn’t in the original post it’s trolling
Sigh. OP said that the rule of their pool was someone had to be in the water with the 6 year old.
What page was this gem disclosed by OP?
Idk. Go look. Lazy
It sounded like two different pool situations tbh. Like the am pool visit was at a lesson/rec pool, and the social pool visit was in their neighborhood.
This made me laugh and laugh. You would make up two pools rather than contemplate that OP is exaggerating about her burden.
OP and it was ONE POOL.
And two separate trips the same day and with a different kid.
Little kid in AM needed parental monitoring whilst in the pool. Mom went
Older kid in PM did not. Dad went. Invited other families over for dinner since Mom was home meal prepping lunch boxes and dinners for the week.
Are you OP? I don't think this is right. Mom went to the pool on Saturday with both kids, and had to stay in the pool with the younger one, which turned it into a super big burden of a day. Dad went to the pool on Sunday with both kids, but that was like a total vacation because dad did it. And mom had to meal prep for the day, which she apparently couldn't get done in the hours that the rest of the family was at the pool.
Anonymous wrote:DH was traveling Sun-late Friday, and every other week since the first week of June. I was barely holding things together this week and spent yesterday running the kids around to their stuff while he did laundry and caught up on sleep. Today I had a ton of chores to do to get set for the week so he took DD to the pool.
He called me at 6 pm from the pool (was supposed to be leaving at 5 to come home to make dinner) and said DD was having fun with friends and could her friends’ family come over and they could just get some extra meat to grill and it would be no big deal.
We can’t eat outside, too hot, the kitchen is a wreck because I’m meal prepping for the week, DD needed to be in bed at 8 for an early camp wake up Monday, and I have an early meeting. DH knew all this but put it on me to be the bad guy and realize this “plan” was a non-starter. And he did it all on the phone in front of the other family and the kids.
I’m so mad! Why couldn’t he just say to DD “no, that won’t work tonight”? Why couldn’t he even think through anything more than an hour in advance?
I hate that I never get to be the fun parent and that I’m killing spontaneity, but I also know that I’m the one who pays for spontaneity and flexibility by sleeping less and doing more in the wee hours or by scrambling during the day. And I’m hot and tired and have been going full tilt for weeks.
I’m sorry people got so weird. I hope the rest of your week was better.
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