DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

OP, can you guys afford to hire help, like a weekly + cleaner and someone who can help with meals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

I can tell you how I solved this problem, but the reason my solution worked is that we can afford it. DH also travels a lot and we both work, so we have some similarities. Our HHI is over 7 figures, though.

We have a full time nanny who is mostly focused on housework, including meal prep, keeping the house clean, and rides (we have to divide and conquer as kids have conflicting activities).

Our chef makes 2-4 dinners for us that we can reheat.

We have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

DH and I went to marriage counseling, and now he helps more around the house.

When friends are over, we use a caterer who cleans up afterward. We found that cooking is stressful for both of us and thus not worth doing, especially for the company.

[Anonymous]

Moron.
Next time (every time) husband does this, say, ok, but I'll be out. You have to handle it.
Then go out to a friend's house or coffee shop to read a book, and let him deal with the mess.

Or say, ok, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to bed early now, so you have to handle it.

He'snot thinking clearly and/or taking advantage of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moron.
Next time (every time) husband does this, say, ok, but I'll be out. You have to handle it.
Then go out to a friend's house or coffee shop to read a book, and let him deal with the mess.

Or say, ok, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to bed early now, so you have to handle it.

He'snot thinking clearly and/or taking advantage of you.

Ooh I like this.

[Anonymous]

Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moron.
Next time (every time) husband does this, say, ok, but I'll be out. You have to handle it.
Then go out to a friend's house or coffee shop to read a book, and let him deal with the mess.

Or say, ok, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to bed early now, so you have to handle it.

He'snot thinking clearly and/or taking advantage of you.

Hah, this is gold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

It sounds more like you think OP should be a martyr to his big picture goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

I can tell you how I solved this problem, but the reason my solution worked is that we can afford it. DH also travels a lot and we both work, so we have some similarities. Our HHI is over 7 figures, though.

We have a full time nanny who is mostly focused on housework, including meal prep, keeping the house clean, and rides (we have to divide and conquer as kids have conflicting activities).

Our chef makes 2-4 dinners for us that we can reheat.

We have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

DH and I went to marriage counseling, and now he helps more around the house.

When friends are over, we use a caterer who cleans up afterward. We found that cooking is stressful for both of us and thus not worth doing, especially for the company.

I'm OP and my jaw just dropped because you're chiming in with advice from the perspective of someone who makes at least 1 MILLION dollars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

It sounds more like you think OP should be a martyr to his big picture goals.

No, not sure why you think that? I’m sure OP doesn’t think her own big picture goals involve weekly completion of meal prep, but it sounds like you do and you think that’s a life well spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do your kids have a bedtime? Let them sleep when they’re tired.

Sunday bedtime for early morning camp drop off makes a lot of sense for me. If kids start the week tired, it's going to be a slog. I let the wheels come off bedtime by Thursday/Friday, but am strict about Sun-Weds as a gift to both my kids and myself as the person who has to get them out the door by 7:15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

It sounds more like you think OP should be a martyr to his big picture goals.

No, not sure why you think that? I’m sure OP doesn’t think her own big picture goals involve weekly completion of meal prep, but it sounds like you do and you think that’s a life well spent.

I don't care how she prepares her meals. It sounds like she does have to prepare them because she can't afford help, works full time, and is the sole parent during the work week because her DH travels all week for work. So, no, I don't think it's okay that her husband spends the day at the pool while she gets the week together, then invites people over on speaker phone without notice and presumably in front of her kids. Doubt that's part of her big picture life goals.