DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

Not op. Should she have put a bucket outside as a bathroom? Really. Last minute dinners are great and fun. This particular night was a really bad choice. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband occasionally uses his hotel points to give me a few nights off after a long string of work travel.

I mostly sleep and read.

The house and routines are absolute toast after but my brain is better.

OP and I like that idea. It is going to be a long unpredictable stretch before I can plan something like that, but I think it would be fair. I'm so tired. And I want room service.

I would help you if I could. For real.

No one stepped in when I was going through this and we need community at these times.

Also I hear you about the pool bbq committee meeting not brainstorming a plan b.

Thanks. I have a friend who has a DH who's more frequently on call than regular doctors or at conferences and she's in the same boat. We try to watch out for each other during bad weeks. We don't really have the bandwidth to give a lot of help but something about a friend who's in the same boat saying "I'm coming over with extra fruit from the farmer's market" almost feels like room service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

Actually, if someone is the solo adult for the week and picking kids up from camp at 4 or 5, driving through traffic, dealing with showers and other stuff, and has more work to do after bedtime, meal prep seems like the only way to get food on the table and still have some free time in the evening. Pizza is fine for one night, but kids who have had packed lunches and a long hot day at some kind of camp can't live on takeout every night. Or maybe they can, but mine would be cranky and off by day 2. I would be, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

Actually, if someone is the solo adult for the week and picking kids up from camp at 4 or 5, driving through traffic, dealing with showers and other stuff, and has more work to do after bedtime, meal prep seems like the only way to get food on the table and still have some free time in the evening. Pizza is fine for one night, but kids who have had packed lunches and a long hot day at some kind of camp can't live on takeout every night. Or maybe they can, but mine would be cranky and off by day 2. I would be, too.

Totally agree but it's one night, not every night. I get OP's annoyance but I think there was a way to say yes while making it clear DH had to bear the brunt. Don't assume the extra labor falls on you beyond some minor shifts. Make it clear it doesn't. It would have required clear communication, but also a little flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

I’m sure if he framed it that way, had called ahead to clear it and had a good track record of following through things would be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

Actually, if someone is the solo adult for the week and picking kids up from camp at 4 or 5, driving through traffic, dealing with showers and other stuff, and has more work to do after bedtime, meal prep seems like the only way to get food on the table and still have some free time in the evening. Pizza is fine for one night, but kids who have had packed lunches and a long hot day at some kind of camp can't live on takeout every night. Or maybe they can, but mine would be cranky and off by day 2. I would be, too.

DP. Nah, it's very doable. There's a lot of meals you can make quickly that aren't pizza or takeout. Fish cooks incredibly fast, so that's my go to when it's just me and the kids, but it's not hard (none of this is hard). I don't think most working parents meal prep.

Anyway, OP has updated and it really seems like the issue is she had a plan for her evening and it got interrupted, even the sacred meal prep could have happened, just slightly later than usual. This is a story about a woman who couldn't give up her vision of her evening so her kids could have a fun time with friends. She IS the bad guy, but it's a role she chose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

I would have said no to barbecuing and just ordered pizza for the group, which they presumably could eat outside while socializing. And continued my meal prep and kitchen cleaning. After which I'd make pleasant conversation for 30 minutes, then make my excuses and head to bed as planned. DH and kids have their fun, minimal disruption to me.

[Anonymous]

So clearly, some of you are comfortable and flexible with last minute changes while you’re in the middle of a big project (pots on stove, food on cutting boards..). It doesn’t mean that OP is problematic for not having the bandwidth after nearly two months of travel to do a giant u turn in the fly under pressure.

they could have gone to the other family’s place too.

[Anonymous]

There’s always another weekend.

[Anonymous]

It was rude of him to do if you were on speaker phone. He should have texted or called you alone to discuss, but I don't think he's a jerk for asking about the plans. Life is sometimes about being spontaneous. Last night we ended up at a neighbor's house until 10:30 pm. Both my husband and I work full-time and our kids had plans this morning, but sometimes stuff comes up and it's worth making it work. I think you have issues beyond his asking about this, which is why you're reacting so poorly to it, but I'd focus on those things, not this one. That's just my advice though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

Sorry to pile on, OP, but meal prep is hardly crucial. You could be a little less rigid. Get pizza the next night and do a litle meal prep then for the week. That said, I would just make sure DH understood the extra work was on him. I would not parent feral children, only my own. One hour of socializing then I would excuse myself by noting the next morning was an early one, and head to bed, leaving all goodbyes and cleanup for him.

I would have said no to barbecuing and just ordered pizza for the group, which they presumably could eat outside while socializing. And continued my meal prep and kitchen cleaning. After which I'd make pleasant conversation for 30 minutes, then make my excuses and head to bed as planned. DH and kids have their fun, minimal disruption to me.

^^ this way everyone gets most of what they want and no one is the bad guy. OP was more resentful about longer-term issues, which impeded the ability to respond to this in a productive but somewhat flexible way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!