DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moron.
Next time (every time) husband does this, say, ok, but I'll be out. You have to handle it.
Then go out to a friend's house or coffee shop to read a book, and let him deal with the mess.

Or say, ok, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to bed early now, so you have to handle it.

He'snot thinking clearly and/or taking advantage of you.

Hah, this is gold.

Um, no. This is a recipe for divorce and unhappiness. But give it a try I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works hard and wants to enjoy the family he is providing for when he can be around. He is a bit insensitive, but you have lost the joy in life to the tasks already. You should assign some tasks to the kids or ask him if you can hire some additional help a few days a week, so you can enjoy your family again.

Your mental health is important too, try not to blame him for the challenges you are experiencing, he is not creating problems on purpose to be an ass.

I’m not OP but I’ve been in similar situations and it’s frustrating when it really demonstrates how much your partner doesn’t understand how badly you are struggling, even if you have been trying to express yourself. When you are at this point you don’t have the bandwidth to do the *extra* work to find and hire someone to help out.

I am guessing OP also works based on the description of early camp and getting ready for the week. If she’s off all week and can do those chores tomorrow I am slightly less sympathetic but none of this was ok.

I can get annoyed when my husband doesn't realize how busy I am, but it sounds like laundry got done on Saturday and OP was home alone getting stuff done while husband and kid were at the pool for hours. I don't think it's insane for her husband to think she was done so an easy dinner wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe he was wrong, but OP is mad at him for ASKING.

OP and not mad at him just for asking but for how thoughtlessly he did it- he did so on the phone in front of others, at 6 pm which was an hour after he was supposed to be home with the kids, and with zero awareness of the things we'd agreed earlier needed to be done. Even if this was a good idea, it would have been 6:45 before the extra food was bought and everyone was at our house. The kids needed to be in bed but not asleep by 8 pm so they could be up at 6:30 for a camp that DH specifically chose for them thinking he would be taking them there but he'll be traveling and it's far from my office.

(both DH and DCs are lactose-intolerant and don't eat pizza, but I agree that would have been easy)

I am surprised by how many people are contorting themselves to make me out to be Mean Mommy. But I shouldn't be.

Yup. Hotel mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

+1. If it's deeply important to have your evenings go a particular way you shouldn't have had kids, but this is part of the deal. I spend hours at the pool with my kids, and I hate it, but I do it because it's part of my duty as a parent to make sure they can do the things they want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

It sounds more like you think OP should be a martyr to his big picture goals.

No, that OP should realize that she has one kid and sometimes the big picture is more important than finishing every item of laundry that week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

I can tell you how I solved this problem, but the reason my solution worked is that we can afford it. DH also travels a lot and we both work, so we have some similarities. Our HHI is over 7 figures, though.

We have a full time nanny who is mostly focused on housework, including meal prep, keeping the house clean, and rides (we have to divide and conquer as kids have conflicting activities).

Our chef makes 2-4 dinners for us that we can reheat.

We have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

DH and I went to marriage counseling, and now he helps more around the house.

When friends are over, we use a caterer who cleans up afterward. We found that cooking is stressful for both of us and thus not worth doing, especially for the company.

I'm OP and my jaw just dropped because you're chiming in with advice from the perspective of someone who makes at least 1 MILLION dollars?

Every time you see "7 figures" just stop reading. Every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

HEARD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

It sounds more like you think OP should be a martyr to his big picture goals.

No, not sure why you think that? I’m sure OP doesn’t think her own big picture goals involve weekly completion of meal prep, but it sounds like you do and you think that’s a life well spent.

I don't care how she prepares her meals. It sounds like she does have to prepare them because she can't afford help, works full time, and is the sole parent during the work week because her DH travels all week for work. So, no, I don't think it's okay that her husband spends the day at the pool while she gets the week together, then invites people over on speaker phone without notice and presumably in front of her kids. Doubt that's part of her big picture life goals.

OP, some questions:

- do you have only the one child?

- how old is your child?

- were you on speaker phone when your husband called you from the pool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was traveling Sun-late Friday, and every other week since the first week of June. I was barely holding things together this week and spent yesterday running the kids around to their stuff while he did laundry and caught up on sleep. Today I had a ton of chores to do to get set for the week so he took DD to the pool.

He called me at 6 pm from the pool (was supposed to be leaving at 5 to come home to make dinner) and said DD was having fun with friends and could her friends’ family come over and they could just get some extra meat to grill and it would be no big deal.

We can’t eat outside, too hot, the kitchen is a wreck because I’m meal prepping for the week, DD needed to be in bed at 8 for an early camp wake up Monday, and I have an early meeting. DH knew all this but put it on me to be the bad guy and realize this “plan” was a non-starter. And he did it all on the phone in front of the other family and the kids.

I’m so mad! Why couldn’t he just say to DD “no, that won’t work tonight”? Why couldn’t he even think through anything more than an hour in advance?

I hate that I never get to be the fun parent and that I’m killing spontaneity, but I also know that I’m the one who pays for spontaneity and flexibility by sleeping less and doing more in the wee hours or by scrambling during the day. And I’m hot and tired and have been going full tilt for weeks.

How many kids do you have? Where was the other kid while your husband was at the pool? This makes me think you're a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moron.
Next time (every time) husband does this, say, ok, but I'll be out. You have to handle it.
Then go out to a friend's house or coffee shop to read a book, and let him deal with the mess.

Or say, ok, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to bed early now, so you have to handle it.

He'snot thinking clearly and/or taking advantage of you.

Ooh I like this.

Wouldn't work. The DH would leave dirty kitchen and also not do any of the prep for the week and let kids go to bed at midnight.

It only works if DH has to deal with getting the kids ready on Monday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why stop at a chef who makes 2-4? OP should hire a full time staff to cook and clean?

Seriously, OP, I was like you when my kids were small. But I don’t think that rigidity is serving you well in the big picture. I, too, get caught on stuff like dinner and laundry. But the big picture is about connections and having good health. I also wanted more fun, like it seemed like everyone else was having. But for me, it was hard because I am a person who will put the homework (chores) first, partly out of life long discipline, partly because my brain likes order. But I needed to start consciously asking myself (and I still do), which path gets me to my big picture goal of connection and health. Sometimes meal prep still has to happen, but it started taking up a lot less room.

I'm the person who posted above. My point was the same as yours - some of the advice on here is likely completely out of touch with OP's situation. Sounds like they can't afford help, and everything falls on her. He gets to be a Disney Dad (spontaneous fund guy who takes the kids to the pool and makes spontaneous dinner plans) because she's home working 24/7 for the family. Anyone in this role who is honest and self-reflective would be resentful. If they can't afford more help, he simply has to be a decent partner to her or the resentment will build up until there is only hate left.

On the full time chef thing - we don't like having hired help in our house any more than necessary. We've experimented with various arrangements and concluded we want to maximize family time and minimize the presence of service providers where we can.

No, our points are quite different. My point is that OP should understand her big picture goals, not just what it takes to make it through the week.

But thanks for your Tips for Unhappy Millionaires. I’m sure someone on here will find it useful.

It sounds more like you think OP should be a martyr to his big picture goals.

No, not sure why you think that? I’m sure OP doesn’t think her own big picture goals involve weekly completion of meal prep, but it sounds like you do and you think that’s a life well spent.

I don't care how she prepares her meals. It sounds like she does have to prepare them because she can't afford help, works full time, and is the sole parent during the work week because her DH travels all week for work. So, no, I don't think it's okay that her husband spends the day at the pool while she gets the week together, then invites people over on speaker phone without notice and presumably in front of her kids. Doubt that's part of her big picture life goals.

OP, some questions:

- do you have only the one child?

- how old is your child?

- were you on speaker phone when your husband called you from the pool?

2 kids, DD and DS. DD was playing with the kids from the other family. Kids are 6 and 8. He had me on speakerphone with the kids and other mom chiming in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad is still in I live in a hotel mode from travel.

I'm OP and that's really insightful and you've pointed to what's actually a source of tons of friction in our relationship.

DH forgets the amount of effort it takes to obtain and make meals, manage possessions, etc. because of "hotel mode."

During his weeks of work travel, he gets up early to eat room service breakfast because it's his favorite. A hot breakfast with multiple kinds of food plus coffee magically appears! No coffee pot has to be washed and filled and no timer set the night before. Then he leaves the cart behind and goes to work.

He eats lunch at the office or goes out with colleagues. He gets room service dinner or meets colleagues for dinner. All of his meals magically appear and he becomes blind to the time it takes to handle meals. And then there's the rest of stuff- kids' laundry, vacuuming, unpacking and repacking camp bags and pool bags and everything else- that he just doesn't see or do during the week. I think he has trouble grasping why it's so important for us to run a tight ship before and after his trips because he doesn't experience all the stupid repetitive time-sucking minutiae of our weekdays and forgets that our life is not like his hotel life.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset about your set up, but I wouldn't use this excuse. Focus on the bigger picture stuff like the other stuff you mentioned. I get that washing a coffee pot out and setting a timer may feel like the straw that broke the camel's back, but it's not a good example of why you're so busy.

How much does he make for a job that requires him to be gone this much? I'm having trouble understanding why you don't have more help at home. (Hired, I mean)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was traveling Sun-late Friday, and every other week since the first week of June. I was barely holding things together this week and spent yesterday running the kids around to their stuff while he did laundry and caught up on sleep. Today I had a ton of chores to do to get set for the week so he took DD to the pool.

He called me at 6 pm from the pool (was supposed to be leaving at 5 to come home to make dinner) and said DD was having fun with friends and could her friends’ family come over and they could just get some extra meat to grill and it would be no big deal.

We can’t eat outside, too hot, the kitchen is a wreck because I’m meal prepping for the week, DD needed to be in bed at 8 for an early camp wake up Monday, and I have an early meeting. DH knew all this but put it on me to be the bad guy and realize this “plan” was a non-starter. And he did it all on the phone in front of the other family and the kids.

I’m so mad! Why couldn’t he just say to DD “no, that won’t work tonight”? Why couldn’t he even think through anything more than an hour in advance?

I hate that I never get to be the fun parent and that I’m killing spontaneity, but I also know that I’m the one who pays for spontaneity and flexibility by sleeping less and doing more in the wee hours or by scrambling during the day. And I’m hot and tired and have been going full tilt for weeks.

How many kids do you have? Where was the other kid while your husband was at the pool? This makes me think you're a troll.

DS is 8 and there's less pressure on his bedtime, and he was just doing his thing. DD was the one with the friends/friends' family gathered around him on speaker.

2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moron.
Next time (every time) husband does this, say, ok, but I'll be out. You have to handle it.
Then go out to a friend's house or coffee shop to read a book, and let him deal with the mess.

Or say, ok, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to bed early now, so you have to handle it.

He'snot thinking clearly and/or taking advantage of you.

Ooh I like this.

Wouldn't work. The DH would leave dirty kitchen and also not do any of the prep for the week and let kids go to bed at midnight.

It only works if DH has to deal with getting the kids ready on Monday morning.

Don't assume. Not all of our husbands are inept and inconsiderate. PPs have suggested ways OP could have minimized the burden on herself without being "mean mommy." Including suggesting they postpone to the following weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad is still in I live in a hotel mode from travel.

I'm OP and that's really insightful and you've pointed to what's actually a source of tons of friction in our relationship.

DH forgets the amount of effort it takes to obtain and make meals, manage possessions, etc. because of "hotel mode."

During his weeks of work travel, he gets up early to eat room service breakfast because it's his favorite. A hot breakfast with multiple kinds of food plus coffee magically appears! No coffee pot has to be washed and filled and no timer set the night before. Then he leaves the cart behind and goes to work.

He eats lunch at the office or goes out with colleagues. He gets room service dinner or meets colleagues for dinner. All of his meals magically appear and he becomes blind to the time it takes to handle meals. And then there's the rest of stuff- kids' laundry, vacuuming, unpacking and repacking camp bags and pool bags and everything else- that he just doesn't see or do during the week. I think he has trouble grasping why it's so important for us to run a tight ship before and after his trips because he doesn't experience all the stupid repetitive time-sucking minutiae of our weekdays and forgets that our life is not like his hotel life.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset about your set up, but I wouldn't use this excuse. Focus on the bigger picture stuff like the other stuff you mentioned. I get that washing a coffee pot out and setting a timer may feel like the straw that broke the camel's back, but it's not a good example of why you're so busy.

How much does he make for a job that requires him to be gone this much? I'm having trouble understanding why you don't have more help at home. (Hired, I mean)

Not 7 figures. This is probably a temporary travel situation- leading the opening of new facilities in various locations. Hopefully it will result in a major promotion that will finance more help, but we are not there yet.