You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, young children and old people have a place in all parts of our lives seamlessly. So, I would never be upset that my parents/ILs are still alive. I am grateful each and every day that I belong to such a culture.

However, I would hope that in their old age they are not in too much discomfort or pain physically. I believe that it is on the kids to give them love, affection, respect and dignity. I don't have a problem with that. I would want them to have a smooth exit.

I have to add that growing up, I had never seen old people with Alzheimer's and dementia. Most died of heart attack, cancer and stroke. Alzheimer's was unheard of. Now I have found out that our social structure and family structure is such that old people live with other family members and never alone, and tumeric is a big part of daily life. These two factors play a role in keeping the brain well. And maybe because other diseases claimed them before Alzheimer's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, young children and old people have a place in all parts of our lives seamlessly. So, I would never be upset that my parents/ILs are still alive. I am grateful each and every day that I belong to such a culture.

However, I would hope that in their old age they are not in too much discomfort or pain physically. I believe that it is on the kids to give them love, affection, respect and dignity. I don't have a problem with that. I would want them to have a smooth exit.

I have to add that growing up, I had never seen old people with Alzheimer's and dementia. Most died of heart attack, cancer and stroke. Alzheimer's was unheard of. Now I have found out that our social structure and family structure is such that old people live with other family members and never alone, and tumeric is a big part of daily life. These two factors play a role in keeping the brain well. And maybe because other diseases claimed them before Alzheimer's.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my mom passes soon. She has dementia, is incontinent, has significant mobility issues, makes no sense most of the time, and no longer enjoys going out, or even when I come by (multiple times a week), she barely can interact in a meaningful way so I basically come for 15 minutes, bright my daughter yesterday and my mom barely registers her. she can’t read, follow tv, use a phone, enjoy music, or wipe her own butt. She is a prisoner in her own mind. She never ever wanted this. The next stages are no language, no recognition of me (she recognized me but can’t always say that I’m her daughter just knows my name), essentially wheelchair/ bed bound and feeding by ensure.

Im in the same boat but after 8 1/2 years of being the only sibling nearby while one sibling comes once a year for a day and the other sibling never visits I have given up.

My mother is in the same condition and I now visit every other month. My kids are in high school and I just came to a pony I didn’t want to lose more time with them.

My kids, husband, and I have spent countless hours looking for things she has hidden or can’t find such as her phon, keys, remote control, wallet etc. she is in an assisted living place and they being her meals to her apartment and check on her 2-3 times a day. It takes a 1-2 hours for her to get ready so even stoping by saying let’s go to do an errand or to a medial appt takes so much time.

And she has always had an edge and been critical. I rarely make my kids go over theye because she always mentions how one has gained weight and has other snide comments for the other one as well as myself.

She never took care of her parents or grandparents but was quick to critique my aunt who did take care of my grandmother for the last 10 years of her life.

The best thing I did was at the start jf the school year I prioritized myself, husband and kids and stopped visiting. I was so burned out stopping by after working full time. Because in the end I realized it didn’t matter. She doesn’t remember if I go over there or not. Essentially she had already died and she is just a shell of herself. It’s just so cruel how people are forced to live with ending stages of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've really wondered about efforts to keep dementia patients alive- like my FIL who is 87 with dementia and just got a pacemaker. like maybe it would be better for everyone not to take all of these steps like the pacemaker.

His DPOA should have said no.
Only in the U.S. the drs are afraid to stop care for hopeless patients because they don’t want to be dragged into a lawsuit.

[Anonymous]

I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my mom passes soon. She has dementia, is incontinent, has significant mobility issues, makes no sense most of the time, and no longer enjoys going out, or even when I come by (multiple times a week), she barely can interact in a meaningful way so I basically come for 15 minutes, bright my daughter yesterday and my mom barely registers her. she can’t read, follow tv, use a phone, enjoy music, or wipe her own butt. She is a prisoner in her own mind. She never ever wanted this. The next stages are no language, no recognition of me (she recognized me but can’t always say that I’m her daughter just knows my name), essentially wheelchair/ bed bound and feeding by ensure.

Im in the same boat but after 8 1/2 years of being the only sibling nearby while one sibling comes once a year for a day and the other sibling never visits I have given up.

My mother is in the same condition and I now visit every other month. My kids are in high school and I just came to a pony I didn’t want to lose more time with them.

My kids, husband, and I have spent countless hours looking for things she has hidden or can’t find such as her phon, keys, remote control, wallet etc. she is in an assisted living place and they being her meals to her apartment and check on her 2-3 times a day. It takes a 1-2 hours for her to get ready so even stoping by saying let’s go to do an errand or to a medial appt takes so much time.

And she has always had an edge and been critical. I rarely make my kids go over theye because she always mentions how one has gained weight and has other snide comments for the other one as well as myself.

She never took care of her parents or grandparents but was quick to critique my aunt who did take care of my grandmother for the last 10 years of her life.

The best thing I did was at the start jf the school year I prioritized myself, husband and kids and stopped visiting. I was so burned out stopping by after working full time. Because in the end I realized it didn’t matter. She doesn’t remember if I go over there or not. Essentially she had already died and she is just a shell of herself. It’s just so cruel how people are forced to live with ending stages of dementia.

I think we constantly hear these stories of how only one sibling shoulders all the burden because that’s exactly who has a complaint. We never hear about the numerous siblings who cooperate with each other and share the burden equally. When you have equal burden sharing between 2-3-4-more siblings, taking care of a much-loved parent with dementia can feel more like a gift, not just to the parent but to the caregiver. I will always treasure these years with my parent in her home, even if she lives another decade and dies at 100. It helps that she has a very fat widow’s pension so we can throw money at every difficulty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.

I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.

I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.

Giving the declining birth rates, the increasing numbers of people living with Alzheimer's and related dementias and the policy choices being made by the government which are stripping affordable options from people in old age and seriously declining health, the ONLY humane option at this point is for USA to pass federal Medical Aid In Dying (MAID) legislation that allows people to check out of life on their own terms, on their own timetable, in ways that are painless and as minimally traumatic for family as possible.

That MAID legislation should allow people to make choices about end of life while they are still of sound mind/body, and to allow medical professionals to provide the cocktail of exit drugs even when the person's mind has become unsound.

What say you, DCUM?

[Anonymous]

For the person who hopes her parent lives to 100, many of us will be in our late seventies taking care of a 100 year old parent. Friend has cataracts and can’t drive at night in her sixties but she is still expected to go to the nursing home at all hours when mom is having an issue. You are not being realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.

I have told my kids repeatedly. Absolutely do not sacrifice yourselves for me. I would never want a loved one to undergo the stress I have gone through dealing with a parent with dementia for over 8 years with no end in sight.

I intend to end my life if I have dementia. If somehow I don’t do it in time the only thing I care about is not causing my kids to suffer. I also do not want to burn through all my assets instead of leaving them money.

I really hope within 20 years people have more options to chose to die on their own terms.

Giving the declining birth rates, the increasing numbers of people living with Alzheimer's and related dementias and the policy choices being made by the government which are stripping affordable options from people in old age and seriously declining health, the ONLY humane option at this point is for USA to pass federal Medical Aid In Dying (MAID) legislation that allows people to check out of life on their own terms, on their own timetable, in ways that are painless and as minimally traumatic for family as possible.

That MAID legislation should allow people to make choices about end of life while they are still of sound mind/body, and to allow medical professionals to provide the cocktail of exit drugs even when the person's mind has become unsound.

What say you, DCUM?

I say AMEN to that idea.

[Anonymous]

Love living in vilified Canada where we already can choose medical aid in dying if we are proactive and want to know we are in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Most people go into denial and don't do any screening until it's too late.

I don't have any kids to dump on so screen myself via the SAGE test from the University of Ohio. As soon as I slip, I'm leaving this world as a full human being, not a caricature.

The myth that life is precious to the bitter end is just about extracting a lifetime of savings from people. Everything is about profit and money.

[Anonymous]

When people had kids much younger than they do now, that created more generational layers to provide support. If you were a great-grandparent by age 75 or 80, you might rely on your kids or your grandkids for help. Now, people aren't even becoming grandparents until they're in their 70s, leaving the burden to fall on kids in their 40s who are still raising young kids. And since many older folks aren't dying until their 90s, there's no inheritance until their kids are in their 70s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mother was poor, would that change your opinion?

Take the money (donated) out of the equation. Would you have less resentment? If the answer is yes, then focus on why HER money has such importance to you.

Trust me, she knows you are resentful. That's not easy on her either. Just as it isn't easy on you having her living in your home.

I don't really have good advice to give you. Other than I just suddenly lost an immediate family member (who was a difficult person) and my heart is broken. I wish I could bring them back, flaws and all, with this newfound understanding of what a hole they would leave in my life.

She donated her money while still alive and clearly expects OP to pick up the slack. Just NO! No wonder OP is resentful. She should be. Why should she give up her own home, financial security, and peace of mind to care for someone who expected it so much that she would think of others before her kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.

You're wrong. People are callous because we are extending life way beyond what is natural and what God intended. Many times out of fear of liability from the doctor. It's ok to let people die naturally. We don't have to keep a sack of flesh alive when the person that was inside is already gone. And it's perfectly appropriate to recognize this fact. Who knows - in the afterlife these life extending measure might be considered torture or inhumane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope your kids don’t talk about you like many of you are talking about your parents here. Jesus you’re callous and lacking compassion. Just remember, this will be you someday.

It will never be me.
I'll take a long walk off a short cliff.
I'll go to Switzerland.
I'll "accidentally" overdose on opiates.
There are so many thing that could be 'accidental'.