You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?

[Anonymous]

I never thought of this ten years ago but now, 10 years later, when I’m 60, I ‘m aggravated that my mom is still alive -90. She is in good shape, eats healthy, and mentally sound. She’ll probably live until 100!

Right now I’m angry with her because she’s donated all her money to other causes and she has to live with us. My kids will be leaving for their college years and I have to look at her every day! I can’t stand hearing her voice either, I just want to remember her as a younger person. She can’t afford anything on her own, my brother is useless, no money either.

Don’t get me wrong , I love her. I just didn’t think she’d live this long. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

If your mother was poor, would that change your opinion?

Take the money (donated) out of the equation. Would you have less resentment? If the answer is yes, then focus on why HER money has such importance to you.

Trust me, she knows you are resentful. That's not easy on her either. Just as it isn't easy on you having her living in your home.

I don't really have good advice to give you. Other than I just suddenly lost an immediate family member (who was a difficult person) and my heart is broken. I wish I could bring them back, flaws and all, with this newfound understanding of what a hole they would leave in my life.

[Anonymous]

I am upset, but only because he's suffering, or at the very least, he's living with a complete absence of happiness, frequently scared and confused. Better for everyone if he'd died. I would be delighted if he were healthy.

Now if my mom is still kicking at 90, I'll be upset. For so many reasons.

[Anonymous]

It's a difficult position. You raised your kids, and just when you think you'll get some freedom, you know have to take care of your parents. And of course, most of the time, it falls on the daughter.

I live on the other side of the country from my parents, but my one sister lives close to them. She basically gave up her life to take care of them. One parent has dementia. They did also help her a lot when she went through a divorce.

I told my sister that when our parents pass, I will take her on some trips. Until then, she's stuck.

My dad is 90, and his sister died at 96.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am upset, but only because he's suffering, or at the very least, he's living with a complete absence of happiness, frequently scared and confused. Better for everyone if he'd died. I would be delighted if he were healthy.

Now if my mom is still kicking at 90, I'll be upset. For so many reasons.

My MIL died at 90, but she was pretty much homebound, couldn't do much, and lived alone. She herself wanted to give up but her body kept going. It's sad. I hope to not live this long but I have some longevity in my family.

[Anonymous]

My FIL has been living with dementia for almost ten years and that's how most us feel, I think.

[Anonymous]

No, not at all. They live abroad where social workers and neighbors take care of them. They should go quite fast, because of all the smoking and drinking they are doing.
They are not going to linger.

[Anonymous]

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has been living with dementia for almost ten years and that's how most us feel, I think.

My FIL had dementia, and it got to the point he became a shell of himself and violent sometimes towards MIL. He would've hated being that way as he was a very proud man. He fell one day and never came out of the coma. MIL eventually took him off life support, and I think that was the right call. He wasn't that old, mid 80s, but he had no qol when he had such bad dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not at all. They live abroad where social workers and neighbors take care of them. They should go quite fast, because of all the smoking and drinking they are doing.
They are not going to linger.

Imagine if you had to take care of them.

-not op

[Anonymous]

I can understand how you feel, OP. My life is hard and busy enough without having to care for a parent who expended all their resources in lieu of planning for their long-term care. I'd be resentful too. But I hope there is enough of an emotional bond, or potential to work on one, that you can get something meaningful out of this hard phase in the end. Even if imperfectly, she did care for you for many years after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a difficult position. You raised your kids, and just when you think you'll get some freedom, you know have to take care of your parents. And of course, most of the time, it falls on the daughter.

I live on the other side of the country from my parents, but my one sister lives close to them. She basically gave up her life to take care of them. One parent has dementia. They did also help her a lot when she went through a divorce.

I told my sister that when our parents pass, I will take her on some trips. Until then, she's stuck.

My dad is 90, and his sister died at 96.

I also told my sister that but after my parents died, she couldn't fly due to health issues. Can you get her some respite help so she isn't so stuck?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has been living with dementia for almost ten years and that's how most us feel, I think.

When there is no quality of life, it is a relief to have them pass on even if you loves them with all your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a difficult position. You raised your kids, and just when you think you'll get some freedom, you know have to take care of your parents. And of course, most of the time, it falls on the daughter.

I live on the other side of the country from my parents, but my one sister lives close to them. She basically gave up her life to take care of them. One parent has dementia. They did also help her a lot when she went through a divorce.

I told my sister that when our parents pass, I will take her on some trips. Until then, she's stuck.

My dad is 90, and his sister died at 96.

I also told my sister that but after my parents died, she couldn't fly due to health issues. Can you get her some respite help so she isn't so stuck?

There are specific reasons why only family can help, but one of our other sisters who also lives thousands of miles away will sometimes go over to give her some respite.

I still have kids at home and work FT, but neither of my other sisters do.

If she ends up having health issues and can't travel, I'll do something else for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has been living with dementia for almost ten years and that's how most us feel, I think.

When there is no quality of life, it is a relief to have them pass on even if you loves them with all your heart.

I would think most people would not want to live with dementia. I know I sure wouldn't. But, when you have full blown dementia, of course, you don't realize it.