You love your parent but are you upset they are still alive?

[Anonymous]

While I haven't had the exact thought, I understand it.

My mother has declined mentally, but is physically fit. Because she doesn't look like an "old lady," people believe her version of events and it can be hurtful to the rest of the family. She doesn't realize that her reality isn't reality. When she causes chaos, I kind of wish it would just be over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I haven't had the exact thought, I understand it.

My mother has declined mentally, but is physically fit. Because she doesn't look like an "old lady," people believe her version of events and it can be hurtful to the rest of the family. She doesn't realize that her reality isn't reality. When she causes chaos, I kind of wish it would just be over.

Same. It’s called confabulation and it’s very convincing, but just slander.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a dark thought but yes there are days when those thoughts rise to the surface especially if your parents are older.
It is extra frustrating when knowing my parent(s) and inlaws did NOT care for their own parents because they lived far away from them and/or none of their parents/my grandparents made it to 70. One didn't even make it to 60, yet my parents, inlaws aunts and uncles are all in their 70's and 80's. They are capable and mobile and active, but they still need help especially with modern technology because the world where they are most comfortable living in does not exist anymore.
All medical falls on you, maintaining their home (paid off so they aren't leaving), helping them shop, run errands and anything they want or they think they want to do you have to run interference because preying on the elderly is very real and they simply have no clue how it works like that 70 something woman who called 411 to buy a plane ticket and ended up getting scammed out of nearly $2,000.

You wonder when is your life going to be your own cuz they people are living longer and longer and longer.
So yes, there are days when you just wish that so like they did you can live your life for yourself before you wake one day and you are now their age only if you are like myself and other friends in a similar situations, you will not have anyone to help you.

That’s me, too, I wonder when will I get to be free? I have been caregiving for one parent or the other since I was 23 years old. I want to live my own life and have days off to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought of this ten years ago but now, 10 years later, when I’m 60, I ‘m aggravated that my mom is still alive -90. She is in good shape, eats healthy, and mentally sound. She’ll probably live until 100!

Right now I’m angry with her because she’s donated all her money to other causes and she has to live with us. My kids will be leaving for their college years and I have to look at her every day! I can’t stand hearing her voice either, I just want to remember her as a younger person. She can’t afford anything on her own, my brother is useless, no money either.

Don’t get me wrong , I love her. I just didn’t think she’d live this long. Thanks for letting me vent.

All of that is normal. Long term caregiving is grueling. Have mercy like she had on you when you were a useless baby.

Sixty is not young. Now we expect the old to take care of the old, and we judge them for complaining...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a difficult position. You raised your kids, and just when you think you'll get some freedom, you know have to take care of your parents. And of course, most of the time, it falls on the daughter.

I live on the other side of the country from my parents, but my one sister lives close to them. She basically gave up her life to take care of them. One parent has dementia. They did also help her a lot when she went through a divorce.

I told my sister that when our parents pass, I will take her on some trips. Until then, she's stuck.

My dad is 90, and his sister died at 96.

Ok, NO. You need to go there for a week, look after your parents, and send your sister on a trip. You should do that several times a year. Give your sister a break NOW.

Exactly! Just because you live far away does not give you a pass to sit on your hands. You should make an effort and you know it! Pathetic!

It’s definitely a lot of excuses. I live on one coast and parent was on other, and l I was the only one to care for them, despite one sibling within 2 hour driving distance and one a 1-hr flight away. PP can be on the phone for doctor visits, pay for a caregiver so your sister can go away, follow up on items, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a dark thought but yes there are days when those thoughts rise to the surface especially if your parents are older.
It is extra frustrating when knowing my parent(s) and inlaws did NOT care for their own parents because they lived far away from them and/or none of their parents/my grandparents made it to 70. One didn't even make it to 60, yet my parents, inlaws aunts and uncles are all in their 70's and 80's. They are capable and mobile and active, but they still need help especially with modern technology because the world where they are most comfortable living in does not exist anymore.
All medical falls on you, maintaining their home (paid off so they aren't leaving), helping them shop, run errands and anything they want or they think they want to do you have to run interference because preying on the elderly is very real and they simply have no clue how it works like that 70 something woman who called 411 to buy a plane ticket and ended up getting scammed out of nearly $2,000.

You wonder when is your life going to be your own cuz they people are living longer and longer and longer.
So yes, there are days when you just wish that so like they did you can live your life for yourself before you wake one day and you are now their age only if you are like myself and other friends in a similar situations, you will not have anyone to help you.

What is most annoying is that they think since they live alone they are independent. Yeah right

Yes! Living in their own home does not equal independent, but they think they are because they don't live in one of "those" places.
Meanwhile because everyone they used to call on is retired or dead and the yellow pages is as extinct as a t--rex they rely you for everything.

Or because it is just easier to exploit own children - emotionally, financially and physically, whereas friendship requires at least some work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought of this ten years ago but now, 10 years later, when I’m 60, I ‘m aggravated that my mom is still alive -90. She is in good shape, eats healthy, and mentally sound. She’ll probably live until 100!

Right now I’m angry with her because she’s donated all her money to other causes and she has to live with us. My kids will be leaving for their college years and I have to look at her every day! I can’t stand hearing her voice either, I just want to remember her as a younger person. She can’t afford anything on her own, my brother is useless, no money either.

Don’t get me wrong , I love her. I just didn’t think she’d live this long. Thanks for letting me vent.

All of that is normal. Long term caregiving is grueling. Have mercy like she had on you when you were a useless baby.

Sixty is not young. Now we expect the old to take care of the old, and we judge them for complaining...

This is very true. I am 50, father might easily live another 10 years, my kid is 15 so he doesn’t need more than 5 years of me being constantly physically present, after that it’s just a drag because of the old man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a dark thought but yes there are days when those thoughts rise to the surface especially if your parents are older.
It is extra frustrating when knowing my parent(s) and inlaws did NOT care for their own parents because they lived far away from them and/or none of their parents/my grandparents made it to 70. One didn't even make it to 60, yet my parents, inlaws aunts and uncles are all in their 70's and 80's. They are capable and mobile and active, but they still need help especially with modern technology because the world where they are most comfortable living in does not exist anymore.
All medical falls on you, maintaining their home (paid off so they aren't leaving), helping them shop, run errands and anything they want or they think they want to do you have to run interference because preying on the elderly is very real and they simply have no clue how it works like that 70 something woman who called 411 to buy a plane ticket and ended up getting scammed out of nearly $2,000.

You wonder when is your life going to be your own cuz they people are living longer and longer and longer.
So yes, there are days when you just wish that so like they did you can live your life for yourself before you wake one day and you are now their age only if you are like myself and other friends in a similar situations, you will not have anyone to help you.

That’s me, too, I wonder when will I get to be free? I have been caregiving for one parent or the other since I was 23 years old. I want to live my own life and have days off to travel.

I'm sorry. That is really hard to have started so young with caregiving. I've been doing it on and off since 2016--technically before if you count the grandparents--and I am very tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. My mother lives a 3-hour drive away. She chose to stay where she is to be close to her favored daughter. She and my dad did have the foresight enough to move into a graduated facility and then the favorite daughter died unexpectedly shortly after they moved in. He died a year later. Then my mom got moved into memory care about 2 years ago. It's grueling to do 6 hours of driving once or twice a month to visit her. I simply cannot do more than that. And when I see her, I don't feel an ounce of love for this person. She was a perfectly fine mother, and I remember really loving her when I was young. The older I got, the less and less she cared about me and my family, in favor of my older sister. Now, I'm stuck dealing with this person who I really no longer have any love for and just feel completely guilty that she's sitting in a facility, her brain pretty much gone, just waiting to die. She's 90 and could go on like this for years.

You have my permission to stop visiting. You can hire someone to drop in on her and she’ll probably think this is you.

+1

Take care of yourself first. Sounds like she didn't put you first so don't feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought of this ten years ago but now, 10 years later, when I’m 60, I ‘m aggravated that my mom is still alive -90. She is in good shape, eats healthy, and mentally sound. She’ll probably live until 100!

Right now I’m angry with her because she’s donated all her money to other causes and she has to live with us. My kids will be leaving for their college years and I have to look at her every day! I can’t stand hearing her voice either, I just want to remember her as a younger person. She can’t afford anything on her own, my brother is useless, no money either.

Don’t get me wrong , I love her. I just didn’t think she’d live this long. Thanks for letting me vent.

All of that is normal. Long term caregiving is grueling. Have mercy like she had on you when you were a useless baby.

“Useless baby”? FU

[Anonymous]

I've really wondered about efforts to keep dementia patients alive- like my FIL who is 87 with dementia and just got a pacemaker. like maybe it would be better for everyone not to take all of these steps like the pacemaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've really wondered about efforts to keep dementia patients alive- like my FIL who is 87 with dementia and just got a pacemaker. like maybe it would be better for everyone not to take all of these steps like the pacemaker.

This is why Living Wills are so important. There is no reason a person with severe dementia at that age is having these kinds of surgery, IMO.

[Anonymous]

With my mother’s dementia, the tough thing is that the good memories I have of her growing up always will be tempered by her lashing out with extreme verbal abuse, saying the most cruel things, name calling —uglyface, loser, things she would have been horrified about saying if she was in her right mind. When you’re already exhausted, it just kicks you down further.

I know it’s not really her, but the advice to just let it roll off your shoulders only goes so far. It cuts, deeply.

[Anonymous]

I hope my mom passes soon. She has dementia, is incontinent, has significant mobility issues, makes no sense most of the time, and no longer enjoys going out, or even when I come by (multiple times a week), she barely can interact in a meaningful way so I basically come for 15 minutes, bright my daughter yesterday and my mom barely registers her. she can’t read, follow tv, use a phone, enjoy music, or wipe her own butt. She is a prisoner in her own mind. She never ever wanted this. The next stages are no language, no recognition of me (she recognized me but can’t always say that I’m her daughter just knows my name), essentially wheelchair/ bed bound and feeding by ensure.

[Anonymous]

In my culture, young children and old people have a place in all parts of our lives seamlessly. So, I would never be upset that my parents/ILs are still alive. I am grateful each and every day that I belong to such a culture.

However, I would hope that in their old age they are not in too much discomfort or pain physically. I believe that it is on the kids to give them love, affection, respect and dignity. I don't have a problem with that. I would want them to have a smooth exit.