When someone asks a favor they should not ask

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine what sort of thing would involve an eight hour round trip, that would be anxiety-inducing, and that constitutes an emergency OP is the only one (other than the person it directly relates to) can solve.

It has to be something OP is also doing, but she has figured out a workaround for herself that apparently she can’t suggest to the other person, or that won’t work for the other person.

I’m more interested in what this thing is than anything else.

+1

+2

I’m bored so let’s brainstorm.

I don’t think it’s summer camp. Why would dropping your kid at summer camp induce anxiety. Unless it’s a strenuous drive of some sort and instead OP is putting her kid on a bus or plane instead of making the drive. But in that case, that’s an easy out, so it can’t be that.

Could it actually be something work related? Is OP going on a work trip and a colleague wants her to present something on their behalf, and OP is already stressed about her own workload?

Hmm, OP used the word "coach" so maybe she meant it in a professional way, I hadn't thought about that. But then why would it be an 8-hour drive if OP if already going on the work trip?

Maybe the workplace is some kind of fitness facility and they are all "coaches."

Maybe they all need to have some kind of certification and there's a deadline coming up and OP made arrangements to do her certification early or at a nearby facility but this other person didn't and now the only place to do their certification is a 4 hours drive away, but they don't have a car or don't know how to drive so they are asking OP to drive them there and back.

Ooh, that's clever.

[Anonymous]

I'm in this camp: anyone can ask anything of anyone. I will never judge the act of asking. But I say no without any hesitation. No hesitation at all. And I rely on them to accept the no and not have the no affect our friendship. If I say no, I have no obligation to figure out another way for them to solve their problem.

The worst is to say yes to a favor and then resent the person for asking. That's not being authentic. And that's insulting the person that asked because you have assumed they wouldn't accept your no with grace. You're insulting them and resenting them at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut people off when they start a rude request or rude question with "I probably shouldn't ask but..."

I say "stop. don't ask then. and certainly don't preface your ask with asking me to bless it. No."

"to be honest" also irks me to no end. So I'm supposed to believe you usually are not honest, so you need to preface it this one time that you are?!?

+1
Nip that manipulation in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they do it? This person is in a big bind but the favor is a lot to ask. I was cornered and did not say yes and now they are pissed. This is the sort of thing I’d never ask of someone.

I'll go against the grain here and say that I think most people don't know what it's like to have a sudden big problem and nobody to help, and have to force yourself to ask someone you aren't that close with for help. Yes, lots of people in life will take advantage, but there are also people who have no support and are truly in need through no fault of their own. I used to be poor and have no family who could help me when I was in my early 20s, and I remember how humiliated I was when I had a sudden, severe dental issue and couldn't pay to get it fixed. I asked the one friend I had who was wealthy, and she said no. She said she didn't believe in lending money to anyone because it ruined friendships. I never forgot that. To this day, I know she has no idea at all of what it felt like for me to be so desperate and stressed and alone, and to badly need that money that would have been nothing to her. I would have paid her back. And it would have meant so much to me at that time.

So when a colleague I don't know well awkwardly appeared in my office a few months ago and asked if she could borrow $1300, I gave it to her. I didn't say anything about repayment, and I went to an ATM and got cash, and just gave it to her. I have no idea what she needed it for, but she had tears in her eyes as she asked, and I imagine she must have asked other people who refused. I don't want to be the kind of person with a blanket policy on NEVER helping another person if I can easily afford to do so. My colleague repaid me a month later. She is a responsible professional who does a great job at work, keeps to herself, and I truly believe she had some kind of unexpected problem that was embarrassing, and it must have been so hard to ask for help.

And I know people are going to now say that maybe she is a drug addict, or used it to buy a luxury item she can't afford, or similar, but I don't care. I want to be the kind of person who is willing to take a chance and help, with no questions and no strings. Not EVERYBODY is trying to manipulate or use you. Maybe most people who ask are, but what about the few who are really in need? I don't want to live in a world where everyone just accepts that the right thing to do is immediately refuse. There are a lot of people who have fallen far through no fault of their own, and from their side, it really can seem that if you are unlucky enough and fall far enough, you end up in a place where people shy away from you and your need as a matter of course.

Life is super short. Take a chance.

Uh, your friends response was totally within bounds and your response to your colleague is honestly kind of nuts.

[Anonymous]

I think this is pet sitting related.

[Anonymous]

I think saying yes, to remain safe from possible wrath, is not going to serve you in the long run. It will be painful now and there could be repercussions for your kid if this person is a degenerate but it will also give you distance from a degenerate. You'll be grateful to have that separation in the future as they won't go to push you for more favors.
It will feel like dropping a heavy burden versus the resentment and continuous stress of going through with the favor. Your body does not need to take on that much just to avoid someone not including or giving your kid more playing time. They might likely leave them out anyways because you weren't eager enough or they dont consider you as someone to win over.