When someone asks a favor they should not ask

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

You have to not only get comfortable saying "no" but give her a look of shock for even asking. People who ask for major favors when you aren't close and you doubt they would do it for you are predatorial. Show her you aren't easy prey. You mention having to deal with her again and often, well better she learn now that you aren't easy bait. If you so it, I guarantee she won't appreciate it for long and the big asks will continue. I know the type well because before middle age I was easy prey.

+1

There was a post on here where a friend always wanted to borrow the OPs car, like for whole weekends. The OP just started texting back LOL when the friend would ask!

[Anonymous]

I do ask favors, and accept them when its not to big of a lift. if they are asking you to watch their child overnight because they have to go to the emergency room, I would try to say yes even though it would be a hassle because there probably arent any other alternatives. If they want me to sit at their house to wait for the plumber for 8 hours because I do not work full time, thats probably a no- I could do it but its really just poor planning on their part and I just dont really want to. I dont mind being asked, but there can be no expectation that I must say yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do ask favors, and accept them when its not to big of a lift. if they are asking you to watch their child overnight because they have to go to the emergency room, I would try to say yes even though it would be a hassle because there probably arent any other alternatives. If they want me to sit at their house to wait for the plumber for 8 hours because I do not work full time, thats probably a no- I could do it but its really just poor planning on their part and I just dont really want to. I dont mind being asked, but there can be no expectation that I must say yes

They is how the person handles "no" and OP said she is angry. That is a sign of a personality issue unless the person had done similar type favors for OP and OP doesn't have good excuse.

I do the kind of favors I don't mind.If a friend needed me to watch her kid while she goes to a doctors appointment back in the day and the kid played well with mine-that was an easy yes. If the child is difficult, but this is an incredible friend who has been there for me, it's a yes. I could go on. It's about how easy the favor it and the level of friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

Sounds like the person asked you to drive up to their summer cabin and turn the hose off.

No. I will say it’s a nearly 8 hour round trip.

Are you making the drive anyway or did you find a way to avoid the drive code your own situation? Are they asking you to drive 8 hours when you would otherwise be at home or work, or are they asking you to do a thing for them while you’re already on this 8 hour round trip so they don’t also have to drive 8 hours?

If you’re already doing it, I don’t get why it’s stressful, and if you’re not already making the trip I am shocked that someone would expect that of you. I also don’t get what kinds of revenge you think they can have at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

+1 This is a nationwide, anonymous forum, OP. If you want quality responses, you must provide some detail.

Worldwide.

[Anonymous]

"NO" is a full sentence, say it and stop agonizing over their ridiculous ask. This is a "them" issue not a "you" issue. Then move on with your life and don't give this another thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel bad. they have bad form. Oh well

I feel bad and surprised: this is a person I might need to deal with for many years and who has always been very nice. I know they are asking out of desperation but I am actually dealing with the same situation and foresaw the issue and made arrangements. This person did not and now wants me to fix their issue.

So if you were able to solve the same issue, could you not point them towards resources that may help? People don’t know what they don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think someone wants OP to drop their kid off at camp. OP isn’t dropping her own kid off at camp bc she’s afraid to drive.

I thought it was a camp drop-off too. Maybe OP's anxiety was over being responsible for the other child.

OP, graciously saying "no" works more often than you think it works. +1 to PP who thinks your anxiety might be causing you to catastrophize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

+1 This is a nationwide, anonymous forum, OP. If you want quality responses, you must provide some detail.

Worldwide.

Sure, but I am guessing OP lives in the DC area and there is a decent change the favor-asker does too, and thus a decent chance they are on DCUM. If OP tells us, the person asked me to drive their kid to sleep-away camp 5 hours away and the favor asker reads that, they will assume the person they asked is OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

Sounds like the person asked you to drive up to their summer cabin and turn the hose off.

No. I will say it’s a nearly 8 hour round trip.

how would anyone ever ask an 8 hour driving favor. i can't imagine it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel bad. they have bad form. Oh well

I feel bad and surprised: this is a person I might need to deal with for many years and who has always been very nice. I know they are asking out of desperation but I am actually dealing with the same situation and foresaw the issue and made arrangements. This person did not and now wants me to fix their issue.

Think of it this way, if this person holds a grudge, then it was inevitable that you guys would fall out. The kind of people who make big asks that a reasonable person would know are inappropriate and then get mad when those asks are not accommodated are impossible to avoid running afoul of eventually. Even if you accommodate all of their asks except for one, that one you didn't say yes to will matter more to them than all the ones you said yes to. Losing this kind of person's friendship isn't something you have control over.

In the alternative, if this person is a reasonable person who just had a lapse out of desperation, then they will come back and get over it.

Ultimately, there is nothing more for you to do than to keep it classy and let this person go through their process.

[Anonymous]

By the way, OP, you have already explained repeatedly in this thread why you can't disclose the precise nature of the request. The people here who insist on asking you are boundary pushers and you should not accommodate them with any more explanations.

Both the situation you are dealing with in real life and the nonsense you are dealing with in this thread suggest that you might need to do some work around understanding that you deserve to have boundaries. It's OK to say no to people and stand on that no and decline to discuss it further. The kind of people who don't understand are people whose understanding you don't need and will never get anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

+1 This is a nationwide, anonymous forum, OP. If you want quality responses, you must provide some detail.

Worldwide.

Sure, but I am guessing OP lives in the DC area and there is a decent change the favor-asker does too, and thus a decent chance they are on DCUM. If OP tells us, the person asked me to drive their kid to sleep-away camp 5 hours away and the favor asker reads that, they will assume the person they asked is OP.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

That's why she's asking you. It is essentially a blackmail. I'd rather not be around the person who does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

Sounds like the person asked you to drive up to their summer cabin and turn the hose off.

No. I will say it’s a nearly 8 hour round trip.

Are you making the drive anyway or did you find a way to avoid the drive code your own situation? Are they asking you to drive 8 hours when you would otherwise be at home or work, or are they asking you to do a thing for them while you’re already on this 8 hour round trip so they don’t also have to drive 8 hours?

If you’re already doing it, I don’t get why it’s stressful, and if you’re not already making the trip I am shocked that someone would expect that of you. I also don’t get what kinds of revenge you think they can have at you.

This, except I don’t think it can be a camp dropoff because that isn’t a big deal at all. One parent should drop off both kids and the other family pick them up, easy.