When someone asks a favor they should not ask

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

That's why she's asking you. It is essentially a blackmail. I'd rather not be around the person who does this.

Exactly. OP, you're dealing with a bad person who sees you as a target to be manipulated. Assume this person is already an enemy and focus your energy on cabining the damage s/he can do.

If you think s/he'll badmouth you, then beat her to the punch by making sure the people in question know about the inappropriate ask. Don't expose her in a complaining or gossipy fashion. Rather, ask one of your mutuals (preferably a gossipy one) for advice "in confidence" on the request s/he made of you, explaining that you're worried about angering her but aren't in the position to say yes. The info will get around soon enough and then if she starts badmouthing you people will know that she is just a vindictive a-hole mad that you didn't say yes to her lousy request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you making the drive anyway?
If not I think you can say no, that doesnt work for you.
If however, you are doing the drive yourself and will be close by to what they need just help them out.
If I had to drive a distance to get some sports equipment or something or pick something up I needed. I wouldn’t mind also getting someone else’s. I’m going anyway.
I also feel like then the next time the situation arises they might take their turn, if applicable

this

thank goodness you don't live in Texas of the Southwest. Even grandmas do 8 hour RT drives in a day for something.

suck it up buttercup, esp if you were likely doing it anywhere.

OTHERWISE, pay for some Uber driver or Nanny you know to do it. THat's how we get great grandma down to Florida every late Fall, and then back up for summertime. PAY A TRUSTED DRIVER.

[Anonymous]

Ask for $500/day plus IRS mileage or $500 plus use of their vehicle. Plus hotel costs if needed. Don't wanna fall asleep at the wheel...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you making the drive anyway?
If not I think you can say no, that doesnt work for you.
If however, you are doing the drive yourself and will be close by to what they need just help them out.
If I had to drive a distance to get some sports equipment or something or pick something up I needed. I wouldn’t mind also getting someone else’s. I’m going anyway.
I also feel like then the next time the situation arises they might take their turn, if applicable

this

thank goodness you don't live in Texas of the Southwest. Even grandmas do 8 hour RT drives in a day for something.

suck it up buttercup, esp if you were likely doing it anywhere.

OTHERWISE, pay for some Uber driver or Nanny you know to do it. THat's how we get great grandma down to Florida every late Fall, and then back up for summertime. PAY A TRUSTED DRIVER.

Wait, OP, who has already made her own arrangements, should suck it up and make this drive or hire someone to do the drive for the favor-asker?

[Anonymous]

Takers gonna take. Manipulators gonna manipulate. If you think giving in will solve your problem, just know she forget the favor and do other annoying asks in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

You have to not only get comfortable saying "no" but give her a look of shock for even asking. People who ask for major favors when you aren't close and you doubt they would do it for you are predatorial. Show her you aren't easy prey. You mention having to deal with her again and often, well better she learn now that you aren't easy bait. If you so it, I guarantee she won't appreciate it for long and the big asks will continue. I know the type well because before middle age I was easy prey.

+1 OP, you need to practice this because you have to be ready to immediately respond this way when asked. Nip it in the bud right when they ask.

That said, it's hard to tell if that's what's happening here or not. I'm happy to do favors for people if it's not much extra work for me. For example, we picked up my kid's friend from school when picking up our kid last week, and took them to the event that we were taking our kid to anyway. There were no extra pick ups or driving, just an extra kid coming with us. I wouldn't have done it if my kid wasn't already going though.

If the friend is asking you to do an 8 hour drive that you don't have to do because you made other arrangements, then that's outrageously obnoxious to ask. If you're doing the drive anyway and they asked, then it sounds more reasonable to ask but it's also ok to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you making the drive anyway?
If not I think you can say no, that doesnt work for you.
If however, you are doing the drive yourself and will be close by to what they need just help them out.
If I had to drive a distance to get some sports equipment or something or pick something up I needed. I wouldn’t mind also getting someone else’s. I’m going anyway.
I also feel like then the next time the situation arises they might take their turn, if applicable

this

thank goodness you don't live in Texas of the Southwest. Even grandmas do 8 hour RT drives in a day for something.

suck it up buttercup, esp if you were likely doing it anywhere.

OTHERWISE, pay for some Uber driver or Nanny you know to do it. THat's how we get great grandma down to Florida every late Fall, and then back up for summertime. PAY A TRUSTED DRIVER.

Wait, OP, who has already made her own arrangements, should suck it up and make this drive or hire someone to do the drive for the favor-asker?

No, but OP should have enough guts to say “actually I’m not driving Timmy to camp, sorry” and move on. OP is making this a big deal. I doubt the other person thinks it is nearly such a big ask since OP is doing the same thing anyway through whatever arrangements she made. It wouldn’t seem like a big ask to me if a friend asked me to give their kid a 4 hour ride to a place I am already driving, but it would if for some reason I wasn’t going at all.

[Anonymous]

Grow up and move on. Nobody cares. See. Being an adult means saying no and getting over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do they do it? This person is in a big bind but the favor is a lot to ask. I was cornered and did not say yes and now they are pissed. This is the sort of thing I’d never ask of someone.

I'll go against the grain here and say that I think most people don't know what it's like to have a sudden big problem and nobody to help, and have to force yourself to ask someone you aren't that close with for help. Yes, lots of people in life will take advantage, but there are also people who have no support and are truly in need through no fault of their own. I used to be poor and have no family who could help me when I was in my early 20s, and I remember how humiliated I was when I had a sudden, severe dental issue and couldn't pay to get it fixed. I asked the one friend I had who was wealthy, and she said no. She said she didn't believe in lending money to anyone because it ruined friendships. I never forgot that. To this day, I know she has no idea at all of what it felt like for me to be so desperate and stressed and alone, and to badly need that money that would have been nothing to her. I would have paid her back. And it would have meant so much to me at that time.

So when a colleague I don't know well awkwardly appeared in my office a few months ago and asked if she could borrow $1300, I gave it to her. I didn't say anything about repayment, and I went to an ATM and got cash, and just gave it to her. I have no idea what she needed it for, but she had tears in her eyes as she asked, and I imagine she must have asked other people who refused. I don't want to be the kind of person with a blanket policy on NEVER helping another person if I can easily afford to do so. My colleague repaid me a month later. She is a responsible professional who does a great job at work, keeps to herself, and I truly believe she had some kind of unexpected problem that was embarrassing, and it must have been so hard to ask for help.

And I know people are going to now say that maybe she is a drug addict, or used it to buy a luxury item she can't afford, or similar, but I don't care. I want to be the kind of person who is willing to take a chance and help, with no questions and no strings. Not EVERYBODY is trying to manipulate or use you. Maybe most people who ask are, but what about the few who are really in need? I don't want to live in a world where everyone just accepts that the right thing to do is immediately refuse. There are a lot of people who have fallen far through no fault of their own, and from their side, it really can seem that if you are unlucky enough and fall far enough, you end up in a place where people shy away from you and your need as a matter of course.

Life is super short. Take a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to say no to an unreasonable ask. They may feel disappointed. If they end the friendship over that feeling, then you know the friendship wasn't worth doing this for anyway.

These are my feelings too. Either a friendship, acquaintance or any kind of relationship.

[Anonymous]

ask culture vs guess culture

[Anonymous]

People draw lines in different places. I offered to loan a friend $10K because I could. Some people would never do that. Doesn't make me wrong, doesn't make them wrong. I won't water your plants while you're out of town though, because I don't like gardening and you can hire a high school kid to do that. You said no because it doesn't work for you, that's ok. Doesn't make you wrong. Doesn't make them wrong for asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel bad. they have bad form. Oh well

I feel bad and surprised: this is a person I might need to deal with for many years and who has always been very nice. I know they are asking out of desperation but I am actually dealing with the same situation and foresaw the issue and made arrangements. This person did not and now wants me to fix their issue.

Not your problem, so don't worry about it. If they make it awkward then that's on them, not you. No one owes anyone more than what they can give, and that is a different answer for different people. I'd fly across the country for my best friend. I wouldn't do it for my neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

Let them. You don't need someone like that in your life. Sounds like you can't avoid them so they're family or in-laws maybe, but don't make their problems your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gotta tell us what the ask is

I really can’t bc it’s too specific but it involves a very long drive and time away all bc they realized after the fact they can’t take care of it themselves. I could fix the problem but they have alternative ways to deal with it as well they don’t want to explore bc involving me would be less stressful to them. If I say no this will have repercussions for me and the person will remember and hold it against me.

Sounds like the person asked you to drive up to their summer cabin and turn the hose off.

No. I will say it’s a nearly 8 hour round trip.

They can hire someone from Task Rabbit to do it. They can do it themselves. They can pay for someone to drive the 8 hours. They have options beyond you. You said no, stick to your guns, and don't feel guilty about it.