When someone asks a favor they should not ask

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually if they have the social cluelessness to ask for something inappropriate, you mustn't feel bad saying no, and ignoring all of their emotions after that.

And keep in mind that autistic people often don't have a good sense of what's socially appropriate or not. My husband is the sort who asks. Usually he doesn't mind when people say no. He also doesn't understand that people might be uncomfortable at saying no, because in their shoes he wouldn't mind declining.

This is someone who is at ease socially (I am not) and who is nervous about this one thing. I am equally nervous but made sure I had a plan I could be ok with for this thing. Their favor involves a lot of new anxiety for me.

Are you in therapy? I'm asking that kindly, by the way, I feel for the bind you're in. But you shouldn't let someone else's failure to plan and their anxiety cause anxiety in you. Your other option is to do the thing. Which one will cause you less stress? Doing it or not doing it and dealing with the repercussions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually if they have the social cluelessness to ask for something inappropriate, you mustn't feel bad saying no, and ignoring all of their emotions after that.

And keep in mind that autistic people often don't have a good sense of what's socially appropriate or not. My husband is the sort who asks. Usually he doesn't mind when people say no. He also doesn't understand that people might be uncomfortable at saying no, because in their shoes he wouldn't mind declining.

This is someone who is at ease socially (I am not) and who is nervous about this one thing. I am equally nervous but made sure I had a plan I could be ok with for this thing. Their favor involves a lot of new anxiety for me.

Are you close enough to tell them that?

No, and I think considering it's giving them, a non-anxious person, anxiety, it should feel embarrassing to ask someone they ultimately don't know well. I would never in a million years ask them this.

Why are they asking you? Do they not know any other people on the planet?

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you know the asker is angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the problem was asking; it was being angry when you said no instead of graciously accepting.

I suspect the asker won’t be angry. OP’s anxiety is causing her to believe the asker is going to be angry with her. I suspect the OP comes from the “it can’t hurt to ask” camp.

From the OP " now they are pissed"

The OP was like two lines, it wouldn't have taken a lot to read it first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do they do it? This person is in a big bind but the favor is a lot to ask. I was cornered and did not say yes and now they are pissed. This is the sort of thing I’d never ask of someone.

I'll go against the grain here and say that I think most people don't know what it's like to have a sudden big problem and nobody to help, and have to force yourself to ask someone you aren't that close with for help. Yes, lots of people in life will take advantage, but there are also people who have no support and are truly in need through no fault of their own. I used to be poor and have no family who could help me when I was in my early 20s, and I remember how humiliated I was when I had a sudden, severe dental issue and couldn't pay to get it fixed. I asked the one friend I had who was wealthy, and she said no. She said she didn't believe in lending money to anyone because it ruined friendships. I never forgot that. To this day, I know she has no idea at all of what it felt like for me to be so desperate and stressed and alone, and to badly need that money that would have been nothing to her. I would have paid her back. And it would have meant so much to me at that time.

So when a colleague I don't know well awkwardly appeared in my office a few months ago and asked if she could borrow $1300, I gave it to her. I didn't say anything about repayment, and I went to an ATM and got cash, and just gave it to her. I have no idea what she needed it for, but she had tears in her eyes as she asked, and I imagine she must have asked other people who refused. I don't want to be the kind of person with a blanket policy on NEVER helping another person if I can easily afford to do so. My colleague repaid me a month later. She is a responsible professional who does a great job at work, keeps to herself, and I truly believe she had some kind of unexpected problem that was embarrassing, and it must have been so hard to ask for help.

And I know people are going to now say that maybe she is a drug addict, or used it to buy a luxury item she can't afford, or similar, but I don't care. I want to be the kind of person who is willing to take a chance and help, with no questions and no strings. Not EVERYBODY is trying to manipulate or use you. Maybe most people who ask are, but what about the few who are really in need? I don't want to live in a world where everyone just accepts that the right thing to do is immediately refuse. There are a lot of people who have fallen far through no fault of their own, and from their side, it really can seem that if you are unlucky enough and fall far enough, you end up in a place where people shy away from you and your need as a matter of course.

Life is super short. Take a chance.

#1 - You are a good person
#2 - You are a truly an empathetic person
#3 - A sincere question - isn't that what credit cards are for?

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine what sort of thing would involve an eight hour round trip, that would be anxiety-inducing, and that constitutes an emergency OP is the only one (other than the person it directly relates to) can solve.

It has to be something OP is also doing, but she has figured out a workaround for herself that apparently she can’t suggest to the other person, or that won’t work for the other person.

I’m more interested in what this thing is than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine what sort of thing would involve an eight hour round trip, that would be anxiety-inducing, and that constitutes an emergency OP is the only one (other than the person it directly relates to) can solve.

It has to be something OP is also doing, but she has figured out a workaround for herself that apparently she can’t suggest to the other person, or that won’t work for the other person.

I’m more interested in what this thing is than anything else.

+1

[Anonymous]

Just weighing in because I have dealt with similar situations.

Actually it can "hurt to ask" in certain situations. Especially with favors. I think the adage that it can't hurt to ask works best when you are asking for something you deserve but still might not get -- a raise when you know your performance has been good, for a loved one to come support you in a time of need, for the last slice of cake if it seems like no one else wants it.

Favors are an imposition and it can hurt to ask if the person you're asking is going to feel obligated for some reason over which they have no control. This is why favors in certain settings are just a no. Asking personal favors at work are almost always a bad idea, even if the person isn't your direct report -- people often feel heightened pressure to be seen as helpful and go-along-get-along at work, which can create an uncomfortable imposition.

In general asking favors of people you don't know well kind of sucks, or asking favors of people who never, ever ask anyone for favors.

Yes, OP should just say no. But there are situations when saying no has negative consequences and I've been in them. It would be better if people just didn't impose on others in this way. A favor that involves an 8 hour round trip drive is something that should only be asked of an immediate family member or like longtime best friend. Anyone else and it's an overstep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine what sort of thing would involve an eight hour round trip, that would be anxiety-inducing, and that constitutes an emergency OP is the only one (other than the person it directly relates to) can solve.

It has to be something OP is also doing, but she has figured out a workaround for herself that apparently she can’t suggest to the other person, or that won’t work for the other person.

I’m more interested in what this thing is than anything else.

+1

+2

I’m bored so let’s brainstorm.

I don’t think it’s summer camp. Why would dropping your kid at summer camp induce anxiety. Unless it’s a strenuous drive of some sort and instead OP is putting her kid on a bus or plane instead of making the drive. But in that case, that’s an easy out, so it can’t be that.

Could it actually be something work related? Is OP going on a work trip and a colleague wants her to present something on their behalf, and OP is already stressed about her own workload?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to find a way to get comfortable with saying no to people and ignoring their responses.

I have a friend who had to have an unexpected surgery. I drove 7 hours roundtrip to deal with her cats and dog at home because she didn't have anyone else to help (recently divorced, no kids, parents are both dead, sister lives farther away and they're not close).

That same friend later had another situation in which she needed assistance. The problem this time was that she needed help with was something she could have solved on her own but wouldn't. Basically, she had taken on some foster puppies and was refusing to let the last one be adopted because she didn't like the family who wanted it so she wanted me to come get it. I had a dog recovering from surgery at home plus two young kids by that point so I said no. (Before DCUM freaks out about the specifics I've given, we don't live in the DC area, I used to, but don't anymore). She had options other than me and it was too big of an ask. I didn't feel guilty at all for saying no, It was too much and there were other solutions.

I hope you can make peace with your decision to say no and you are able to stick up for yourself against this person.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the person didn’t care to handle the situation themselves BECAUSE they expected that Op would help with it because the person knew she had the same situation. Like driving her kid to camp. But op didn’t want to make an 8 hour drive herself (I wouldn’t either) so has a different arrangement to stay with grandparents or whatever and now the coach needs to deal with the situation herself. Op you need to accept that this coach is going to be angry and find another coach. Also tell someone gossipy about the ask “in confidence” so other people know about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine what sort of thing would involve an eight hour round trip, that would be anxiety-inducing, and that constitutes an emergency OP is the only one (other than the person it directly relates to) can solve.

It has to be something OP is also doing, but she has figured out a workaround for herself that apparently she can’t suggest to the other person, or that won’t work for the other person.

I’m more interested in what this thing is than anything else.

+1

+2

I’m bored so let’s brainstorm.

I don’t think it’s summer camp. Why would dropping your kid at summer camp induce anxiety. Unless it’s a strenuous drive of some sort and instead OP is putting her kid on a bus or plane instead of making the drive. But in that case, that’s an easy out, so it can’t be that.

Could it actually be something work related? Is OP going on a work trip and a colleague wants her to present something on their behalf, and OP is already stressed about her own workload?

Hmm, OP used the word "coach" so maybe she meant it in a professional way, I hadn't thought about that. But then why would it be an 8-hour drive if OP if already going on the work trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine what sort of thing would involve an eight hour round trip, that would be anxiety-inducing, and that constitutes an emergency OP is the only one (other than the person it directly relates to) can solve.

It has to be something OP is also doing, but she has figured out a workaround for herself that apparently she can’t suggest to the other person, or that won’t work for the other person.

I’m more interested in what this thing is than anything else.

+1

+2

I’m bored so let’s brainstorm.

I don’t think it’s summer camp. Why would dropping your kid at summer camp induce anxiety. Unless it’s a strenuous drive of some sort and instead OP is putting her kid on a bus or plane instead of making the drive. But in that case, that’s an easy out, so it can’t be that.

Could it actually be something work related? Is OP going on a work trip and a colleague wants her to present something on their behalf, and OP is already stressed about her own workload?

Hmm, OP used the word "coach" so maybe she meant it in a professional way, I hadn't thought about that. But then why would it be an 8-hour drive if OP if already going on the work trip?

Maybe the workplace is some kind of fitness facility and they are all "coaches."

Maybe they all need to have some kind of certification and there's a deadline coming up and OP made arrangements to do her certification early or at a nearby facility but this other person didn't and now the only place to do their certification is a 4 hours drive away, but they don't have a car or don't know how to drive so they are asking OP to drive them there and back.

[Anonymous]

I wish OP would tell us because we are all driving ourselves crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you still around the thread? Can you tell us if we are getting warm? I feel like if we had a bit of an idea, we’d be able to help better.

Is this person incapable of making the eight hour trip themself? Are you also making the trip, capable of driving but unwilling, and is this person trying to have you change your plans to accommodate them?

You say you’re anxious about whatever it is you have to do, so you’ve made accommodations, but that this person is also anxious. I don’t know what that even means without even a hint of context.

Are children involved? Spouses?

Are they asking you do do something immoral or illegal?