If you’re happily married 16 plus years what do you attribute it to? What factors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Desire of both parties to stay married long-term and a willingness to compromise often. Having each other's back. Wanting the best for the other person.

+1000

I think of this all the time when people complain that their spouses don't pull their weight. If I told my husband that I was exhausted being the only one packing for trips, taking the kids to the doctor, or any of the million things we do to keep the family running, and he didn't care, I don't know what I'd do. But because we both want what's best for each other, we do what we can to make sure the other person isn't miserable. I can't imagine being married to someone who didn't do that. I don't think I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married almost 30 years with 3DC-adults.

Honestly, not taking things so seriously and laughing together. I recently called my DH at work and made him laugh so hard he cried and had to hang up - that kind of laughter.

I'd say my husband and I laugh together every day, even on the days that we might also cry. I think it helps immensely.

[Anonymous]

Yes^.
Love is "willing the good of the other". St. Thomas Aquinas

[Anonymous]

Appreciating what DH is good at and having low standards/ full acceptance for everything else

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My culture and religion. The people who surround me. Divorce, DV and cheating is very rare in my circle.

Mostly college STEM educated people - both men and women. High earners.

South Asian, right?

Lots of DV in the South Asian community.

Not true. DV is rare in educated and well off families, at least in my experience. To be fair, no drinking, no drugs, no debt makes it easy.

I don’t think that’s true at all. There is more to lose in UMC families so they don’t divorce. I was just talking to a woman who I thought had the perfect life - amazing home, installing a pool, hot husband, owns a fashion boutique. She hates her husband but says if she left he has threatened to completely take custody of the kids and ruin her life, among other things. Her leaving would ruin his image. I think there are a lot of marriages so secretly miserable people like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My culture and religion. The people who surround me. Divorce, DV and cheating is very rare in my circle.

Mostly college STEM educated people - both men and women. High earners.

What is your culture/religion?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Yeah I would have let those things go and not nagged. My husband is perpetually late. If it’s important me, like church, I drive separately to ensure I get there in time. He also never uses a hamper. It is what it is. His other qualities more than make up for those things. He is an adult. It’s not for me to “correct” him. It’s about respect and knowing your own lane.

I wouldn’t stay with a cheater, at least I don’t think I would.

Church is a bizarre one to mention as well. No one else cares if you are late except you. It affects no one else unless you are participating as a leader in the activity.

Of course it does. It's very disruptive.

I meant no one has to pay more money, change their plans, help out in your place, fix a problem. I guess if your church is really small maybe, but people are early or late or sick or have to use the bathroom and go in and out or just attend sporadically all the time. Nothing changes for others who are worshipping or leading.

You don’t get to decide when and for what event being on time is important for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Yeah I would have let those things go and not nagged. My husband is perpetually late. If it’s important me, like church, I drive separately to ensure I get there in time. He also never uses a hamper. It is what it is. His other qualities more than make up for those things. He is an adult. It’s not for me to “correct” him. It’s about respect and knowing your own lane.

I wouldn’t stay with a cheater, at least I don’t think I would.

I think this is why I don't know that I want to ever marry again. Just accepting people as is and dealing with their problems and taking over for things I want unless it's "the most important thing to me" is bizarre. It it's an issue to me, I want to talk about it and find a win win, not just accept. Church is a bizarre one to mention as well. No one else cares if you are late except you. It affects no one else unless you are participating as a leader in the activity. Being late for the plane, the baseball game, school. Those things other people care about and affect money and other's time. I wouldn't really want to handle all the finances or drop offs or house cleaning or money making just because my spouse is an adult and I don't correct.

Then maybe marriage isn’t for you. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+100 to this

It's nothing you could have "known" going in, especially when you're young and neither of you has a record on which to stand. It's pure luck or else someone is willing to tolerate the other spouse regardless of their shortcomings that develop later after the wedding.


"
This is such a disingenuous thread. People congratulating themselves on the attributes that make their marriages last. I would say it’s really easy to stay married if the following things are there: fidelity, both partners fulfilling their commitments/obligations (not protracted unemployment or financial irresponsibility), no abuse (physical, emotional etc) or serious mental illness . These are the things that wreck every marriage regardless how “forgiving” and cool and what not everyone is. Even if the partners stay married - the relationship is over. And that’s what counts."

People aren’t answering the question. Bizarre you are reading responses here as “congratulating themselves.” That kind of post says way more about you than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I know anyone happily married after 16 years. My parents are still married after 40 years, but I don't know if they've ever been happy. I'm not privy to what goes on inside other people's marriages, either. We all have challenges we don't share.

I think it’s unusual to not know couples married over 16 years!

[Anonymous]

I see success (career) and money being referenced a lot. Now I wonder if a woman is married to a less successful man who makes less, is she less likely to have a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. Marry a good person, and you must be a good person, as well.

Talk, compromise, have common goals. When you grow and change, work to grow and change together.

At the end of the day, I think for long-term marriage to work you have to WANT to stay married and do the work to make the marriage work.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see success (career) and money being referenced a lot. Now I wonder if a woman is married to a less successful man who makes less, is she less likely to have a happy marriage?

I am a woman married to a man who makes considerably less than I do, but I don't consider him "less successful," which is probably why our relative salaries have never been an issue in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. Marry a good person, and you must be a good person, as well.

Talk, compromise, have common goals. When you grow and change, work to grow and change together.

At the end of the day, I think for long-term marriage to work you have to WANT to stay married and do the work to make the marriage work.

This, and don’t take each other for granted. No one knows what tomorrow brings.

[Anonymous]

Literally just the will to make it work.

Sometimes it sucks even if you are both great. Commitment is hard and there are going to be days when you fantasize about being free. I mean, I like and love my spouse but sometimes I look at divorced friends and it looks appealing. Especially with kids -- they basically get to be child free half the time while their kids are with their spouse. Once you've been married with kids for a while, even if you LOVE your kids and are happy with your spouse, there will be days when you wish you could just go be free, do what you want, have fewer obligations and commitments.

But at the end of the day I want to grow old with him, we treat each other well, our lives are deeply intertwined with our kids, our finances, and our life goals. Or so I remind myself when I have those days. Even when we fight or I get annoyed with him, I come back to the idea that our lives are better together than they were apart, we help and support each other, we know each other so well. I don't think it would be possible to find this level of commitment and knowledge of each other with another partner at my age, and it's really worth something.

I think people who divorce either have serious compatibility issues OR they just don't dig in and try when they get bored or feel penned in. Not a criticism -- I know lots of divorced people and I think most of them are happier and better off divorced. But for whatever reason, my DH and I always just choose to work on it and keep going. It just feels worth it to us.