If you’re happily married 16 plus years what do you attribute it to? What factors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We separated at 16 years and it comes down to stress. Basically the pressure just kept building and building until we lost faith in each other and everything just exploded.

When stress levels are managed it’s easier to laugh, which further de-stresses. But as the anxiety levels rise, rational thinking and the ability listen and trust decline and you get trapped in this complicated drama triangle that is almost impossible to escape.

I think it depends. We actually lean on each other MORE in times of stress (work, aging parents, hard teens, etc.) It’s those times I realized how screwed I’d be without him. I’m more likely to take him for granted in the “easy times.”

We also put a lot of time and effort into our sex life. It sounds superficial, but I think it has helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

Being attracted to each other and good/consistent sex really helps.

[Anonymous]

Almost all of our friends are married to same race, age, religion, culture, values, education and socioeconomic backgrounds but that only keeps them together and comfortable. What makes some couples happier than others is being happier individuals to begin with and finding happy partners. Nobody can make you laugh if you aren't listening to their jokes or enjoy humor to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost all of our friends are married to same race, age, religion, culture, values, education and socioeconomic backgrounds but that only keeps them together and comfortable. What makes some couples happier than others is being happier individuals to begin with and finding happy partners. Nobody can make you laugh if you aren't listening to their jokes or enjoy humor to begin with.

I posted yesterday - married my college bf. He struggles with depression at times and that’s when our marriage is really hard because I’m not getting the connection or support I need, but I know it’s not his fault and just enjoy his humor and love so much the rest of the time. So I’d say we’re happy together even if I’m often stressed or he’s sometimes depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We separated at 16 years and it comes down to stress. Basically the pressure just kept building and building until we lost faith in each other and everything just exploded.

When stress levels are managed it’s easier to laugh, which further de-stresses. But as the anxiety levels rise, rational thinking and the ability listen and trust decline and you get trapped in this complicated drama triangle that is almost impossible to escape.

I think it depends. We actually lean on each other MORE in times of stress (work, aging parents, hard teens, etc.) It’s those times I realized how screwed I’d be without him. I’m more likely to take him for granted in the “easy times.”

We also put a lot of time and effort into our sex life. It sounds superficial, but I think it has helped a lot.

I’m the PP and your comments give me a twinge of jealously because I desperately wanted to feel that way.

Not having sex, not being able to lean into each other. It was incredibly lonely and honestly destroyed me mentally.

[Anonymous]

If neither of you had a cluster B personality disorder or is an adulterer, abuser or addict, should be pretty easy to stay married. None of the good sex, communication, etc will do shit in the setting of the previous issues.

[Anonymous]

In laws are wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Once heard Cindy Crawford's husband so that they were friends before they dated and are still friends. That's a key factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a disingenuous thread. People congratulating themselves on the attributes that make their marriages last. I would say it’s really easy to stay married if the following things are there: fidelity, both partners fulfilling their commitments/obligations (not protracted unemployment or financial irresponsibility), no abuse (physical, emotional etc) or serious mental illness . These are the things that wreck every marriage regardless how “forgiving” and cool and what not everyone is. Even if the partners stay married - the relationship is over. And that’s what counts.

There is a difference between struggle love and making it through hard times together. If you both want the best for the other person most of the things you mentioned should not occur. Also, if it’s gotten to the point of financial irresponsibility, infidelity etc, that means there were many missed opportunities for the person to change course and something hasn’t been resolved.

You are saying yeah it’s easy to be happy of you live in a house with a roof while previous posters are saying you have to be willing to fix leaks early on even when it’s not easy so your house keeps a roof. That commitment to marriage hopefully includes individual accountability and a willingness to seek help when needed.

You would not believe the amount of people that flat out lie and manipulate even in marriage. Used to think this was a short term thing people did. Maybe one in a thousand was psychotic. Not anymore. Its easily 1 in 20 or even more regular. They can do it for 2 decades. Maybe more. One person after 30 years found out her husband had been cheating almost daily for 30 whole years. When she found out he decided to leave her. Wouldn't even talk about it. Just enjoyed living this double life. Never let on there was a problem. How can you resolve something if it is never brought up and the entire intention is to use you as a cover for their family while they live a 2nd life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My culture and religion. The people who surround me. Divorce, DV and cheating is very rare in my circle.

Mostly college STEM educated people - both men and women. High earners.

South Asian, right?

No, no. Midwestern Christian WASP.

Lol no 🤦

[Anonymous]

I’ve been very happily married 13 years, and my DH is grumpy, short-tempered, slightly depressed and like a decade older than me. I’m mostly cheerful, optimistic and love people. I honestly don’t know why we work together so well, but we spend all our time together and are best friends. My DH loves me so much, he is super attracted to me and apologizes when he’s wrong. He also pays for everything, thinks I’m beautiful all the time and will give me anything I ask for (but I don’t really need anything!). I guess we have a kind of acceptance of each other that doesn’t try to change anything about the other.

[Anonymous]

We both grew up in very happy homes and that was a good starting place. We’ve always found common ground on the big issues and we don’t let stupid little stuff bother us. We’ve always been big savers so money has never been a point of conflict. We are both moderates politically, he more to the right and me to the left but we find a lot of common ground. We have plenty of different interests and don’t need to be joined at the hip 24/7. After 35 years together we both still enjoy sex and we do our best to keep it fresh.

[Anonymous]

For me, my dw is just able to be a lot of people - she’s a wife, hot girlfriend, great parent without losing her identity to it, excellent business person, extremely driven yet relaxes daily, super fit/loves working out but doesn’t go overboard, fwb who enjoys making an event out of sex, loves family (even mine) and has a way of reframing any hardship to look at the positive(this is huge, btw), great sounding board and motivator who also isn’t afraid to hold me accountable.

In short, I can get all of the things I need inside of my relationship. There’s zero chance of me finding someone else who can do all of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a somewhat happy marriage although we definitely have our low points.

I married the nice guy. DH is kind, patient and kind. He is also handsome, smart, well liked by all, very successful and a fantastic father and person.

I think the key is to marry a good person.

I could have written this. We are at 16 years exactly.

I think healthy adults grow and change and maintain some independent aspects of their lives, so after 16 years of marriage it's likely neither of you are entirely the same person. Might be big things, might be little things, might be both.

At a certain point, the key to a successful marriage is waking up every day saying "Yeah, I want to do this again. I will try." as opposed to thinking "S/he is my EVERYTHING! We are TWIN FLAMES!" To me, the former means more.

[Anonymous]

The consensus on this thread appears to be that the key to having a happy marriage is to have no real problems- come from a happy background, be healthy, have no financial problems, and agree about everything.

What profound and helpful advice 🤣😂🤣