If you’re happily married 16 plus years what do you attribute it to? What factors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see success (career) and money being referenced a lot. Now I wonder if a woman is married to a less successful man who makes less, is she less likely to have a happy marriage?

My DH is not a high earner and I've out-earned him for much of our marriage (at the moment he makes more because I'm launching a business, but otherwise I've made more). We are happily married.

He brings other things to the table. He doesn't make a ton but he's very disciplined with money, a great saver. He is a very stable, even-keel person and that's a very good balance for me because I have more emotional ups and downs and can be more passionate. He's very supportive of me, not just in my career but as a person -- I am someone who likes to try new hobbies, is always working on myself, and he likes that about me and is supportive even as he's more "steady is as steady goes" in his approach to life. He is a better cook than I am and cooks way more. He's a good dad.

I can see how marrying a man who has a lot of money or makes a lot of money can lead to a stable marriage, because it *was* challenging when we had a kid. It's really hard as a woman to be the higher earner when you have kids because pregnancy/childbirth/early childhood are harder for women. It's harder physically, your body goes through all these emotional changes, there are way more expectations on you. I think that's the only time I've ever felt resentful of him not making more because I felt so pressured during those years. But we got through it and now I'm glad. I don't really think about our differences in income much. And now he's the one earning the stable paycheck while I build a business (though we can only live off his income because my higher earnings ensured we went into this period with a low mortgage payment and no other debt). It all balances out.

[Anonymous]

Married 38 years.

We are in the same profession, similar upbringings and backgrounds, similar politics, both Christians. He is brilliant and funny and very romantic.

Oh and we also hate the same things/people for the most part!! That is VERY bonding.

First 20 years were a breeze. Then we had a disabled child. That affected us, drove out the easy living.

Now we are in our 60s. Life is harder, but would be a terrible struggle if we didn't have each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see success (career) and money being referenced a lot. Now I wonder if a woman is married to a less successful man who makes less, is she less likely to have a happy marriage?

My DH is not a high earner and I've out-earned him for much of our marriage (at the moment he makes more because I'm launching a business, but otherwise I've made more). We are happily married.

He brings other things to the table. He doesn't make a ton but he's very disciplined with money, a great saver. He is a very stable, even-keel person and that's a very good balance for me because I have more emotional ups and downs and can be more passionate. He's very supportive of me, not just in my career but as a person -- I am someone who likes to try new hobbies, is always working on myself, and he likes that about me and is supportive even as he's more "steady is as steady goes" in his approach to life. He is a better cook than I am and cooks way more. He's a good dad.

I can see how marrying a man who has a lot of money or makes a lot of money can lead to a stable marriage, because it *was* challenging when we had a kid. It's really hard as a woman to be the higher earner when you have kids because pregnancy/childbirth/early childhood are harder for women. It's harder physically, your body goes through all these emotional changes, there are way more expectations on you. I think that's the only time I've ever felt resentful of him not making more because I felt so pressured during those years. But we got through it and now I'm glad. I don't really think about our differences in income much. And now he's the one earning the stable paycheck while I build a business (though we can only live off his income because my higher earnings ensured we went into this period with a low mortgage payment and no other debt). It all balances out.

I wonder this too because my current boyfriend is not that ambitious. He's not in debt, a good saver and frugal. He brings a ton to the table - cleans the house, my kids adore him, very active in step-parenting. I was never the breadwinner in my last relationship and didn't like how controlling my ex-husband was, he took advantage of making all the money and didn't respect me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married almost 30 years with 3DC-adults.

Honestly, not taking things so seriously and laughing together. I recently called my DH at work and made him laugh so hard he cried and had to hang up - that kind of laughter.

Divorced after 25+ years. I realized he NEVER MADE ME LAUGH. What the hell was I thinking?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been married 17 years but next week will be 27 years since our first date as teenagers (our freshman year of college).

Although I never thought I’d meet my spouse so young, it took the pressure off the early years - I could just enjoy what a smart, kind, funny person he was without worrying about marriage. Though I did make sure we were aligned on wanting kids someday. By the time things became more challenging, we had a strong foundation. And most days he still makes me laugh.

We are quite different in many respects - I am extroverted, he’s introverted; he’s atheist and I’m not; I grew up with a stay at home mom in a wealthier family while he was a latchkey kid caring for younger siblings etc. But we communicate well and just make it work. For instance, he encourages me to go out with friends often and watches the kids because he knows it recharges me and makes me a better wife and mother.

It’s not the easiest now as our jobs are under a lot of stress and our younger child has some sensory and ADHd challenges, but we are there for each other and when we’re angry we address it. My two biggest challenges in the relationship generally are that he snores - so often sleeps in one of our children’s rooms since they sleep more deeply - and he likes to be quiet and alone at the end of the day and I like to chat, so he sometimes gets a bit overwhelmed or I sometimes get a bit lonely. But then we adjust. As others hade mentioned it helps that our sex life is good, but it also helps that we give each other a lot of grace. My sex drive is really low when I’m nursing (I nursed each child a year) and we just dealt with it knowing it wasn’t forever. We are quick to apologize, and try to find the humor in things. Another poster mentioned this, but we also don’t have high standards. We’re both more cluttery than I would like, but I can live with it. We’ve both put on weight over the years. Physically he’s not the cutest if the men I dated, but he is the best overall fit. Are there others out there who might be better or equally good fits? Probably - in a world of billions of people neither of us believes in “the one” - but we’ve found each other and it works for us.

[Anonymous]

Variety in the bedroom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a disingenuous thread. People congratulating themselves on the attributes that make their marriages last. I would say it’s really easy to stay married if the following things are there: fidelity, both partners fulfilling their commitments/obligations (not protracted unemployment or financial irresponsibility), no abuse (physical, emotional etc) or serious mental illness . These are the things that wreck every marriage regardless how “forgiving” and cool and what not everyone is. Even if the partners stay married - the relationship is over. And that’s what counts.

There is a difference between struggle love and making it through hard times together. If you both want the best for the other person most of the things you mentioned should not occur. Also, if it’s gotten to the point of financial irresponsibility, infidelity etc, that means there were many missed opportunities for the person to change course and something hasn’t been resolved.

You are saying yeah it’s easy to be happy of you live in a house with a roof while previous posters are saying you have to be willing to fix leaks early on even when it’s not easy so your house keeps a roof. That commitment to marriage hopefully includes individual accountability and a willingness to seek help when needed.

[Anonymous]

I’m the pp who met freshman year of college. We obviously didn’t know our financial picture / roles back then. For years while he earned a PhD I was the breadwinner. I also have investments (inherited) and started a 401k sooner. He then did low-paying post-docs but has out earned me for about a decade. For a few years when our kids were younger I went part time so my salary was even lower then. He’s had two periods (one about 4 months and one about 2 months) looking for work and I’ve been in a steady job. So it ebbs and flows in terms of what we contribute financially at a given moment. I told him about this thread and he said (and I agree) our big incompatibility is my desire to travel - and my tendency to want to travel when stressed - and his preference for not traveling. He’d be fine with me traveling alone sometimes, and each year I take a trip to my sister to visit with the kids, without him, but I really want him there to share it with.

[Anonymous]

We both came from very unhappily married parents, one of us was abused. We met young and had no idea what we were doing. Statistically we should be divorced. What keeps us happy together:

- Both very willing to acknowledge fault and make real changes (including therapy)
- Similar interests and sense of humor (we are laughing all the time)
- Both very comfortable with sexuality and into sex but fully committed to fidelity.

[Anonymous]

Let things go as often as you can. Compromise. Choose to stay married.

[Anonymous]

We separated at 16 years and it comes down to stress. Basically the pressure just kept building and building until we lost faith in each other and everything just exploded.

When stress levels are managed it’s easier to laugh, which further de-stresses. But as the anxiety levels rise, rational thinking and the ability listen and trust decline and you get trapped in this complicated drama triangle that is almost impossible to escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We separated at 16 years and it comes down to stress. Basically the pressure just kept building and building until we lost faith in each other and everything just exploded.

When stress levels are managed it’s easier to laugh, which further de-stresses. But as the anxiety levels rise, rational thinking and the ability listen and trust decline and you get trapped in this complicated drama triangle that is almost impossible to escape.

It amazes me based on what I read on this board how many marriages seem to implode at the 15-17 year mark, including my own. It seems to be a time where a lot of different stressors converge: teens, older parents, perimenopause, mid life crisis, love life going stale, career woes. You have to do counseling and power through it, although I don’t blame anyone who doesn’t manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a somewhat happy marriage although we definitely have our low points.

I married the nice guy. DH is kind, patient and kind. He is also handsome, smart, well liked by all, very successful and a fantastic father and person.

I think the key is to marry a good person.

Makes money, handsome, smart, well liked and kind? Talk about easy marriage. You must be hot.

So flippant to say “marry a good person”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is to marry someone who comes from parents who are also happily married. Someone who has good values, understands how to handle money, and is not quick to anger.

Wow, we would be so screwed if this was the rule. Both our parents are pretty miserable. But this is probably a LMC sorting thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My culture and religion. The people who surround me. Divorce, DV and cheating is very rare in my circle.

Mostly college STEM educated people - both men and women. High earners.

South Asian, right?

No, no. Midwestern Christian WASP.

Same culture for us - Jewish.