If you’re happily married 16 plus years what do you attribute it to? What factors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Honestly the list you give is divorce-worthy. I have been married 17 years and I would have a hard time staying with a man who couldn’t hold down a job (unless we agreed he was a SAHM parent and was actually good at it). Same with addiction, infidelity, or financial grief. These are dealbreakers.

Giving grace is like, I’m very messy, my bedroom is not always neat. DH has made peace with that. But I hold down a good job, do my share, and love him.

Are you losing stuff all the time because of the mess and having to buy new stuff or never having uniforms cleaned for sports activities or events? The mess itself isn't as much of an issue as the fallout from it. I had grace with this till it started seeping into other areas of life.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness, in a word. Not with respect to infidelity. We screw up, say stupid things, do stupid stuff and piss each other off, not often but enough to make it memorable. We both agree to let it go and forgive. The pettiness does not exist in my marriage as it does in so many other marriages I know personally. I am thankful for that and so is my husband.

[Anonymous]

Honestly- not having children. You don’t have much to fight about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Honestly the list you give is divorce-worthy. I have been married 17 years and I would have a hard time staying with a man who couldn’t hold down a job (unless we agreed he was a SAHM parent and was actually good at it). Same with addiction, infidelity, or financial grief. These are dealbreakers.

Giving grace is like, I’m very messy, my bedroom is not always neat. DH has made peace with that. But I hold down a good job, do my share, and love him.

Are you losing stuff all the time because of the mess and having to buy new stuff or never having uniforms cleaned for sports activities or events? The mess itself isn't as much of an issue as the fallout from it. I had grace with this till it started seeping into other areas of life.

I do lose things frequently but I do hunt it down before I get a new version 😂

Also ChatGPT is helping me learn how to tidy the house now in small bites

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly- not having children. You don’t have much to fight about.

Agreed but to me that is a different kind of arrangement. It's like dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you

Loyalty. Realistic expectations. Culture. Intellectual compatibility. Having enough money for all needs and some wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. Marry a good person, and you must be a good person, as well.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Honestly the list you give is divorce-worthy. I have been married 17 years and I would have a hard time staying with a man who couldn’t hold down a job (unless we agreed he was a SAHM parent and was actually good at it). Same with addiction, infidelity, or financial grief. These are dealbreakers.

Giving grace is like, I’m very messy, my bedroom is not always neat. DH has made peace with that. But I hold down a good job, do my share, and love him.

Are you losing stuff all the time because of the mess and having to buy new stuff or never having uniforms cleaned for sports activities or events? The mess itself isn't as much of an issue as the fallout from it. I had grace with this till it started seeping into other areas of life.

I do lose things frequently but I do hunt it down before I get a new version 😂

Also ChatGPT is helping me learn how to tidy the house now in small bites

My ask related to this post is does your spouse just let you fix this error on your own time or never accepting you as is or are they able to have the expectation that they will let you know that this is a problem in the house and over time you will improve yourself in this area? How should they react to have a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Marry (and be) a practicing Catholic. When you both know you’re in it for the long haul, you take care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry (and be) a practicing Catholic. When you both know you’re in it for the long haul, you take care of it.

Like the Kennedys! 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex would never work on himself to fix problems. Like he would be late to things over 300 times especially with the kids during a marriage. It got old. People would write us nastygrams. He would never put his clothes in a hamper despite trying five different ways to get him to do this. I gave him grace and didn't divorce because of this - instead over his addiction and infidelity - but honestly do not miss it. When people say they give grace to their spouse do they mean allowing problems to go on and on without ever correcting? Women constantly overspending, partying, or not cleaning the house. Men constantly getting laid off, late, or drunk? Where do you draw the line between grace and enabling?

Honestly the list you give is divorce-worthy. I have been married 17 years and I would have a hard time staying with a man who couldn’t hold down a job (unless we agreed he was a SAHM parent and was actually good at it). Same with addiction, infidelity, or financial grief. These are dealbreakers.

Giving grace is like, I’m very messy, my bedroom is not always neat. DH has made peace with that. But I hold down a good job, do my share, and love him.

Are you losing stuff all the time because of the mess and having to buy new stuff or never having uniforms cleaned for sports activities or events? The mess itself isn't as much of an issue as the fallout from it. I had grace with this till it started seeping into other areas of life.

I do lose things frequently but I do hunt it down before I get a new version 😂

Also ChatGPT is helping me learn how to tidy the house now in small bites

My ask related to this post is does your spouse just let you fix this error on your own time or never accepting you as is or are they able to have the expectation that they will let you know that this is a problem in the house and over time you will improve yourself in this area? How should they react to have a happy marriage?

So, I am the pp you are responding to and my husband complained about this frequently but the issue was that he is also a slob but in a slightly different way. He came into the marriage thinking that it is the woman’s job to clean up after everyone and be tidy and he would honestly be very frustrated that I seemed so unwilling or unable to clean up after everybody in the household. So throughout the years we have worked to meet each other in the middle and tidy up together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is reliable, yet flexible, and has excellent executive functioning. Also our kids are easy, and no eldercare pressure yet.

This. Plus our shared faith and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry (and be) a practicing Catholic. When you both know you’re in it for the long haul, you take care of it.

Like the Kennedys! 🤣

PP said PRACTICING Catholic, not CINO.

[Anonymous]

Dated a long time and we talked about all the big life decisions well in advance (number of kids, religion, if a parent wanted to stay home with the kids, financial goals, budgeting, I -laws, etc etc). I’m always shocked at how many dating couples don’t talk about the big topics.

Picked a generally nice, high EQ, good at communicating, non-misogynistic smart man.

[Anonymous]

The key is to marry someone who comes from parents who are also happily married. Someone who has good values, understands how to handle money, and is not quick to anger.