If you’re happily married 16 plus years what do you attribute it to? What factors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both came from very unhappily married parents, one of us was abused. We met young and had no idea what we were doing. Statistically we should be divorced. What keeps us happy together:

- Both very willing to acknowledge fault and make real changes (including therapy)
- Similar interests and sense of humor (we are laughing all the time)
- Both very comfortable with sexuality and into sex but fully committed to fidelity.

I’m so happy you two found each other and made it work. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The consensus on this thread appears to be that the key to having a happy marriage is to have no real problems- come from a happy background, be healthy, have no financial problems, and agree about everything.

What profound and helpful advice 🤣😂🤣

No that’s not the consensus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a somewhat happy marriage although we definitely have our low points.

I married the nice guy. DH is kind, patient and kind. He is also handsome, smart, well liked by all, very successful and a fantastic father and person.

I think the key is to marry a good person.

Yes, this. My husband is also “the nice guy.” He’s genuinely kind, patient, generous, thoughtful. He doesn’t yell/raise his voice, ever. He has never and would never act in anger toward me or the kids or anyone else. Our relationship isn’t perfect and we go through tough times like everyone else but knowing that he’ll always be kind and respectful and always listen to what I have to say/value my thoughts and that he'll never be mean helps us get through disagreements and difficult patches.

[Anonymous]

We both listen to each other and make each other feel appreciated. We’re both open to criticism / feedback partially bc we deliver it in emotionally intelligent ways. Neither of us grew up in emotionally intelligent families so I’m so grateful we both developed some and use it daily. Also sex 1-4 times a week has been good for us - that was harder when DC was younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The consensus on this thread appears to be that the key to having a happy marriage is to have no real problems- come from a happy background, be healthy, have no financial problems, and agree about everything.

What profound and helpful advice 🤣😂🤣

Not what people are saying 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The consensus on this thread appears to be that the key to having a happy marriage is to have no real problems- come from a happy background, be healthy, have no financial problems, and agree about everything.

What profound and helpful advice 🤣😂🤣

No that’s not the consensus.

+1. I posted above that the key is to marry a genuinely nice person (and to be a genuinely nice person). That doesn’t mean our lives have been easy or problem free. We both had dysfunctional and in my case abusive families of origin. We’ve had financial struggles. We’ve lost people close to us in traumatic and awful ways. We’ve had health scares. So no, we didn’t come from “happy backgrounds” and we’ve had more than our fair share of problems since we’ve been togehhwr BUT because we are both nice, thoughtful people who genuinely care about each other and are respectful and patient with each other, we’ve had a great marriage.

[Anonymous]

Tolerance

[Anonymous]

Honestly, probably luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly- not having children. You don’t have much to fight about.

Really? We became closer after having kids. Kids are the superglue of our marriage.

Agree. Kids make our relationship exponentially better. Our love has grown through raising them and we never fight about them.

So interesting!! I have an incredible marriage and dh is the love of my life. We dated for 10 years before kids (married also). We even love our kids and are good parents. Kids are the only strain in our marriage. We both say we love each other in spite of the kids. They are the only thing that detracts from a perfect marriage. Wouldn’t trade them in of course. But I’m surprised people would say their marriage is stronger because of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a somewhat happy marriage although we definitely have our low points.

I married the nice guy. DH is kind, patient and kind. He is also handsome, smart, well liked by all, very successful and a fantastic father and person.

I think the key is to marry a good person.

Makes money, handsome, smart, well liked and kind? Talk about easy marriage. You must be hot.

So flippant to say “marry a good person”.

Marrying a good person is a privilege? That’s wild. Why should ANYONE marry a bad person? Those people should be ostracized, do we need more bad people in the gene pool? It is that hard to marry someone good? That should be like bare minimum qualifications for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, my dw is just able to be a lot of people - she’s a wife, hot girlfriend, great parent without losing her identity to it, excellent business person, extremely driven yet relaxes daily, super fit/loves working out but doesn’t go overboard, fwb who enjoys making an event out of sex, loves family (even mine) and has a way of reframing any hardship to look at the positive(this is huge, btw), great sounding board and motivator who also isn’t afraid to hold me accountable.

In short, I can get all of the things I need inside of my relationship. There’s zero chance of me finding someone else who can do all of those things.

You’ve either got an amazing woman who sounds unreal or you’re wearing some very thick rose colored glasses. Doesn’t matter which though because clearly you’re happy!

I only wish my ex had appreciated me that much. He walked on water though and I don’t so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, probably luck.

This.
I married a good person. 24 years later, still married but he now has mental issues and is often mean to me for no reason. I've disconnected emotionally to protect myself. I don't feel to divorce him but I am numb and no amount of effort on my part has made a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the above. Matched sex drives. Not having been sluts before...because that makes you a bitter person with low level of trust in others.

No absolutely no you are sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communicate your feelings—no silent treatment

Wanting the best for each other

Being silly/goofy/having fun

Equitable division of labor

Equitable division of labor only works if you don’t do tit for tat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, my dw is just able to be a lot of people - she’s a wife, hot girlfriend, great parent without losing her identity to it, excellent business person, extremely driven yet relaxes daily, super fit/loves working out but doesn’t go overboard, fwb who enjoys making an event out of sex, loves family (even mine) and has a way of reframing any hardship to look at the positive(this is huge, btw), great sounding board and motivator who also isn’t afraid to hold me accountable.

In short, I can get all of the things I need inside of my relationship. There’s zero chance of me finding someone else who can do all of those things.

You’ve either got an amazing woman who sounds unreal or you’re wearing some very thick rose colored glasses. Doesn’t matter which though because clearly you’re happy!

I only wish my ex had appreciated me that much. He walked on water though and I don’t so there’s that.

Nobody is perfect and relationships with highly driven people people can be double-edged. I choose to love the whole person. Even when I’m being micromanaged by her over some banal take that doesn’t require it. You recognize that the good wouldn’t exist without a few drawbacks.