Mom’s Who Left Career to SAHP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a bunch of money and I didn’t/don’t really care about my career.

If you need your career or you just like it, personally I think it would be better to find a full time nanny/housekeeper. Pay them well and make them part of the family. Even if it eats most of your salary for a while.

+1 I left when my husband and I had a lot of money saved (we saved a lot during the few years we were DINKs too). My kids are teens and I'm in my 50s and haven't gone back to work. It's been too nice having someone home to take care of everything. I knew when I left, I wouldn't go back to a career. I've thought about a PT gig, but the money we saved from before has been growing and it isn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

This was our situation exactly. My husband's career really flourished and I have found plenty to do. I think you have to just lean into the idea that this is your life now and you make it work. My spouse and I were always on the same page though, so there are no resentments about responsibilities.

However, I will say that if you plan on returning to work when the kids are in school, I'd just keep working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

[Anonymous]

I have mixed feelings about my decision to SAH. I decided when I was pregnant I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving the baby. I had just received a promotion I was waiting on so it was tough to give that up. I went back and forth and spoke to my sister who had a nanny so got a realistic idea of the expense. After taxes, nanny and work related expenses I asked myself if it was worth working when I really wanted to be home. We were ok but in no way financially great and it would mean huge sacrifices. I figured it would be until DD hit K and my future youngest was hopefully ready for nursery school. I loved those early years and was never bored. I was a better parent because I was unstressed. Eventually I didn’t just have 1 more but 2 more and by the time #3 was born I had been home 6 years. I readjusted my return to work timeline so that I could be home until he was 2 but by then it was clear he had a disability and my other 2 kids also had mild disabilities so the therapy schedule made it hard to return. Needless to say, by the almost 10 year mark, I concluded it was going to be permanent. But at the 20 year mark (youngest in HS) I wanted to go back. Eventually after a long and frustrating search I was offered a low paying role but I took it because it seemed rewarding and I was told there’d be advancement opportunities. It’s turned out to be a dead end job and I have a horrible boss so now I will be quitting again. I accept that this might be it for me. I don’t regret staying home but I really do regret not doing more to keep a foot in the door career-wise. You never know what the future will bring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

I'm a SAHP and I refused to get involved in volunteer work. Seriously, if I wanted a job, I'd go get one. Sure, I might chaperone a school trip, but not any more than a working parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

I'm a SAHP and I refused to get involved in volunteer work. Seriously, if I wanted a job, I'd go get one. Sure, I might chaperone a school trip, but not any more than a working parent.

Agree. It think navel gazing at these volunteer positions being 'vital' speaks volumes about the insecurity of the people that say those things. And, yes, tons of working parents volunteer at the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

And paid work is always so valuable to the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, we had saved a lot of money (my own 401k an other investments were solid; jointly we were doing great), had all the right insurance set up, had a solid emergency fund, were in our forever home, liked our public schools if needed, DH's compensation was less than mine but solid and we had confidence in his career trajectory, and we both grew up with far less so we know how to scrape by in a pinch if it ever happened and took longer than expected for me to return to work.

On balance, we felt our kid's particular needs at the time were not compatible with the hours were both worked and something had to give (work life was far less flexible back then). I was confident that I would be happy taking on that role, even though giving up the work was not an easy choice (nor would it have been easy to go the other way).

As time went on, we became even more financially comfortable, our family needs increased, my time spent at nonpaying work became more and more valuable to me and the community. I never struggled to find intellectual stimulation or activities that were rewarding for me. Each time we revisited our family-work-life balance, we felt that the status quo was working best for us.

Valuable to the community, lol.

I’m not the PP, but volunteer work IS important to the community. Many vital jobs are unpaid whether you realize it or not.

They are not valuable if they are not paid. Seriously.

I used to work a paid job and interacted with some volunteers. A big part of volunteerism is that people do it not because they want to help or actually are helping but because they want to feel like they are helping. It’s a nightmare honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want strangers raising my children.

+1
Also, I felt that my DH's salary was enough for us to fund college and retirement. If my DH was not making a good enough salary, I would have continued working so that my kids could afford college.

We had some lucky financial leg ups - we did not have college debt, we bought a nice new SFH in an inexpensive neighborhood at the bottom of the market and at a good interst rate (we accepted DH's long commute and mediocre public schools), our COL was low, we did not have pets, we only had two kids, we drive old cars, we did not have to look after our parents, we did not need IVF or therapy, we are heavily insured, we will never divorce or cheat etc.

This. DH had enough earning potential to pay for a townhome in a mediocre school district, retirement, and state college. He’s cheap enough that I knew he’d stick to the budget. Our marriage felt really strong. I committed to placing the health of our marriage ahead of everything. I had a financial backup system if he had a mental break and divorced me. If my parents were poor, I probably wouldn’t have exited the workforce.

One thing that I didn’t do and should have was get written letters of recommendation from coworkers while my performance was fresh in their memory. I was able to reenter the workforce, but tracking people down almost a decade later was tough.

[Anonymous]

Quit and don’t look back. The workforce is increasingly hostile to women with RTO policies and a cultural shift toward embracing tradwives. Why put up with this when you don’t have to? Stay home and be a mother, that’s what women were meant for. Obviously female obgyns are necessary so women are comfortable with their doctor, but in general, women belong in the home—the posts above show you that quitting can be a great decision for you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want strangers raising my children.

They're probably better at it than you.

Why would a random daycare worker be better at taking care of kids than their own parent?

Yes, every parent is a fit to parent by virtue of being a parent. Anyone who is paid to provide childcare could never be as fit. 🙄

Of course this isn’t true. I’m way more qualified to raise my own kids vs some kid making $22/hour. YMMV.

Why are you more qualified?

Because I’m intelligent and extremely vested. I have three kids at top colleges who are kind, loving, empathetic kids so I’m proud of my work and investment in their lives. It worked in my case, again, YMMV.

And your children's memories will be mostly of the nanny raising them, while on her phone all day. Don't fool yourself. A childcare worker will never care for your children in the same way you will (I hope).

And no paid childcare worker is extremely intelligent or educated? I went to Williams for college and Columbia for grad school. My husband went to Harvard. I have three kids who I love and care about. I am not a SAHM nor are many of my peers. Our nanny, who is paid a lot more than $22, is patient, kind, empathetic, and able to enforce boundaries. I reject the idea that my children or any children are materially worse off because their mother works at Latham and Watkins et al instead of staying home with them all day. There are many SAHMs who are overwhelmed and struggle to meet the constant demands of parenting 24/7. I feel bad for them and their kids. I also know SAHMs with Nannie’s who were very checked out when their kids were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want strangers raising my children.

They're probably better at it than you.

Why would a random daycare worker be better at taking care of kids than their own parent?

Yes, every parent is a fit to parent by virtue of being a parent. Anyone who is paid to provide childcare could never be as fit. 🙄

Of course this isn’t true. I’m way more qualified to raise my own kids vs some kid making $22/hour. YMMV.

Why are you more qualified?

Because I’m intelligent and extremely vested. I have three kids at top colleges who are kind, loving, empathetic kids so I’m proud of my work and investment in their lives. It worked in my case, again, YMMV.

And your children's memories will be mostly of the nanny raising them, while on her phone all day. Don't fool yourself. A childcare worker will never care for your children in the same way you will (I hope).

And no paid childcare worker is extremely intelligent or educated? I went to Williams for college and Columbia for grad school. My husband went to Harvard. I have three kids who I love and care about. I am not a SAHM nor are many of my peers. Our nanny, who is paid a lot more than $22, is patient, kind, empathetic, and able to enforce boundaries. I reject the idea that my children or any children are materially worse off because their mother works at Latham and Watkins et al instead of staying home with them all day. There are many SAHMs who are overwhelmed and struggle to meet the constant demands of parenting 24/7. I feel bad for them and their kids. I also know SAHMs with Nannie’s who were very checked out when their kids were little.

Not all nannies are on their phones all day. Sometimes parents are on their phones all day. People don't magically become self-aware and good at self-regulating or not depressive or anxious just because they have a child. There is a real lack of self-awareness in some of these responses.