what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my DH’s case his grandparents (on both side) stepped in and while in his mother’s care they basically were neglected. My DH has some trauma but is functioning. My 40 yr old SIL is still a mental health mess.

Where was the dad?

He was partying. My MIL left my FIL, initiated the divorce, and he was so upset about it he basically said F you to her and their kids. MIL got full custody, my FIL never showed up for visitation. My MIL loved going out, dancing, and dating so she wasn't around either. My DH and SIL were true latchkey kids. So the grandparents stepped in. My FIL's parents paid the child support plus more, took the kids on vacations and over the summer and my MIL's parents took them on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time married women are having kids, they should only have the number of kids that they can raise if they have no husband.

So, one or two is the limit for most. Why are these women breeding like sows?

Stop it. Any responsibility for the dad? Or is that just 1 big part of male privelege?

Well, why are women not upping and leaving the dad and kids? No one is stopping them. Or surrendering the kids to the state? No one is stopping them. Drowning them in a bathtub seems to be the only alternative their insect brain can think of.

And sorry, are they being raped and forced to bear kids for breeders? They should be sensible and not have more than one or two kids and that too if everything is good. If you have redflags in the relationship, then do not have kids with them.

What kind of trauma bonding is making them have sex with these losers and then popping out kids?

I'm pretty sure in this instance there was no red flag until the dad hit a midlife crisis.

"Why aren't women upping and leaving the dads and kids"? Because women tend to have more connections to their children than men do, as evidence by the number of dead beat dads.

But, I do agree that women should never rely on a man for finances. Make sure you can take care of yourself should anything happen in a marriage. I've seen too many instances of deadbeat dads. Might be a good idea to have a prenup around having kids.

I have heard of men getting fired then getting hired at some near minimum wage job to screw their ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welp, mom needs to raise them then. Foster care not an option. Those are the breaks. Kids will be f’d up with no one wanting them.

Foster care is always an option. These kids sound like they’ll be Fd up regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welp, mom needs to raise them then. Foster care not an option. Those are the breaks. Kids will be f’d up with no one wanting them.

Foster care is always an option. These kids sound like they’ll be Fd up regardless.

You can't voluntarily relinquish your kids to foster care. It isn't an option.

[Anonymous]

The grandparents end up raising the kids. I work in a high FARM schools and there are so many grandparents raising their grandchildren because the parents both are deadbeats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welp, mom needs to raise them then. Foster care not an option. Those are the breaks. Kids will be f’d up with no one wanting them.

Foster care is always an option. These kids sound like they’ll be Fd up regardless.

You can't voluntarily relinquish your kids to foster care. It isn't an option.

Yes you can. I’ve worked in foster care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welp, mom needs to raise them then. Foster care not an option. Those are the breaks. Kids will be f’d up with no one wanting them.

Foster care is always an option. These kids sound like they’ll be Fd up regardless.

You can't voluntarily relinquish your kids to foster care. It isn't an option.

Of course you can. Stop making things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here. Poor kids. Neither parent wants them? That’s awful. I have mine 24/7/365 because my ex wants the freedom to do whatever he wants. I don’t have any choices here but what am I going to do?

I'm sorry, that sounds very hard. You just accept that? Aren't there any ramifications/consequences/etc AT ALL for the dad? Is it really that easy for a father to walk away scot free?
Is is societal pressure/biology/guilt/fear of embarassment that makes moms stay with their kids and assume 100% caregiving and financial responsibility?
How has this always been the dynamic throughout history?

Same story here. There was never any discussion about him not wanting 50-50 custody. He just refused to talk about it all together. This is how men like this avoid the conversation. They don’t offer explanations. They just don’t communicate. In my case, his job was so much lower paying the mind that the child support would have been barely useful so I declined it, hoping that if I took the financial issues off the table that we could reach an agreement that only addressed parenting time with our daughter. I told him I would handle all of the financial responsibility if he could stick to a schedule visiting her, no matter how minimum. He declined. That’s when she was five and we haven’t heard from him in seven years. Some people are just not wired right and often the best thing to do is let them walk away.

Fun bonus: I keep in touch with his extended family because this is my daughter‘s family as well. I do not ask questions about him because that kind of triangulation is unhealthy. But on the rare occasion that the topic of him seeing her has come up, I’ve been told that his story to his extended family is that he doesn’t see our daughter because I won’t allow it, or, that I still “want him“ and so therefore he has to keep his distance.

Yes, it’s truly revolting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody forced this woman to have three kids with a loser.

Dad did a complete 180 in midlife crisis. He was the model dad before the he bolted. Honestly, ladies, he could be any one of your husbands.

Please stop the internalized misogynistic, guilty posts on how bad the mom is and focus on the dad and what can be done to keep him from abandoning his kids

Accept it for what it is and do the best for the kids. Make him pay so that you can get the closest thing to another parent: a good nanny. And some therapists for everyone because this sounds rough. Not all of us are cut out to be parents alone, but if you can mitigate that...

+1 This. You can't make your ex care. But you can get his money. Get the best lawyer possible and make sure his wages get garnished etc. so you're not dealing with a non-compliant ex.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

[Anonymous]

Poor mom. All I can think of is to try to find free or cheap resources to help the kids -- YMCA? Church group? Something the state or city offers near her? Move back to be closer to family? Or even his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

Instead of posting this online help her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

That's so hard. Has she reached out to a family support program like DC127 or Safe Families for Children? They can provide some free respite care for her.

[Anonymous]

What happens in court in these circumstances? Can't the mom say she requests 50/50 (which is the default)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welp, mom needs to raise them then. Foster care not an option. Those are the breaks. Kids will be f’d up with no one wanting them.

They know neither parent wants them. They're going to be screwed no matter what. The answer is foster care. It sounds like they are unwanted. If they are wanted, someone would step in.

Foster care is not going to take in kids in this situation.

There is limited foster care for kids who DO qualify. Older kids are out in group homes, many of which are linked to drug use and trafficking.

I mean yes, they would. But you'd have to actually abandon them. And they'd probably substantiate you for child neglect or abandonment, so it wouldn't be without consequence. Plus your kids would get split up for sure.