what happens when Dad abandons the family and Mom is left to handle everything, but doesn't want it either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

Mom is gonna have to be bold and ask for help. For instance: play dates or rides with the kids' friends, help from neighbors, etc. I for one would be happy to host my 3rd grader's buddy once a week so you could get a break, or if you needed to stay late at work, etc.

[Anonymous]

Mom needs a support system. Join a church or synagogue. Ask family for help. Get into therapy. She has to figure out how to do this hard thing for the sake of her kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are vile for posting this, especially because it sounds like mom is struggling but doesn’t want to leave her family and go live in a bachelor pad. Why don’t you get off the internet and help her?

I am in a similar situation and you just make it work, honestly. My child is the most important thing to me and they need one stable parent who is reliable 24/7 and that’s me. I can go to happy hour or whatever in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are vile for posting this, especially because it sounds like mom is struggling but doesn’t want to leave her family and go live in a bachelor pad. Why don’t you get off the internet and help her?

I am in a similar situation and you just make it work, honestly. My child is the most important thing to me and they need one stable parent who is reliable 24/7 and that’s me. I can go to happy hour or whatever in 10 years.

with all due respect, it's MUCH harder when you have 3+ kids as a single working parent. Apples and oranges compared to having 1 kid. And the chaos starts scrambling your brain. We're not talking a happy hour, we're talking having an occasional day to catch up on sleep so she can function, or go get the car fixed, or necessary life needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are vile for posting this, especially because it sounds like mom is struggling but doesn’t want to leave her family and go live in a bachelor pad. Why don’t you get off the internet and help her?

I am in a similar situation and you just make it work, honestly. My child is the most important thing to me and they need one stable parent who is reliable 24/7 and that’s me. I can go to happy hour or whatever in 10 years.

with all due respect, it's MUCH harder when you have 3+ kids as a single working parent. Apples and oranges compared to having 1 kid. And the chaos starts scrambling your brain. We're not talking a happy hour, we're talking having an occasional day to catch up on sleep so she can function, or go get the car fixed, or necessary life needs.

I mean, you don’t get a day to catch up on sleep or get the car fixed when you’re a single mom. Ever. You take the kids with you to get the car fixed, and you’re always short on sleep. I’m sorry, OP. It sucks. It’s really hard. Although it actually sounds like you ARE going to get breaks every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are vile for posting this, especially because it sounds like mom is struggling but doesn’t want to leave her family and go live in a bachelor pad. Why don’t you get off the internet and help her?

I am in a similar situation and you just make it work, honestly. My child is the most important thing to me and they need one stable parent who is reliable 24/7 and that’s me. I can go to happy hour or whatever in 10 years.

with all due respect, it's MUCH harder when you have 3+ kids as a single working parent. Apples and oranges compared to having 1 kid. And the chaos starts scrambling your brain. We're not talking a happy hour, we're talking having an occasional day to catch up on sleep so she can function, or go get the car fixed, or necessary life needs.

You’re right, my life is so easy! Thank you for correcting me. lol. I ALSO do not get time to catch up on sleep or life needs but go off, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember this

https://www.sfgate.com/nation/article/Families-dump-teens-under-new-safe-haven-law-3267153.php

Thank you - I remembered this was Nebraska but thought it was much more recent than 2008.

[Anonymous]

I guess my main point is though, most single mothers don’t desire to give up their kids and go live a single life style, what they want is more help. I would never want to not have my kid full time but gosh I would love for someone to come clean my house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are vile for posting this, especially because it sounds like mom is struggling but doesn’t want to leave her family and go live in a bachelor pad. Why don’t you get off the internet and help her?

I am in a similar situation and you just make it work, honestly. My child is the most important thing to me and they need one stable parent who is reliable 24/7 and that’s me. I can go to happy hour or whatever in 10 years.

with all due respect, it's MUCH harder when you have 3+ kids as a single working parent. Apples and oranges compared to having 1 kid. And the chaos starts scrambling your brain. We're not talking a happy hour, we're talking having an occasional day to catch up on sleep so she can function, or go get the car fixed, or necessary life needs.

You’re right, my life is so easy! Thank you for correcting me. lol. I ALSO do not get time to catch up on sleep or life needs but go off, I guess.

why does it always devolve into single moms battling each other- one does 95%, one does 99%. Instead of focusing on the deadbeat dad who does 0-5%, and how to get him to do a bit more?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are vile for posting this, especially because it sounds like mom is struggling but doesn’t want to leave her family and go live in a bachelor pad. Why don’t you get off the internet and help her?

I am in a similar situation and you just make it work, honestly. My child is the most important thing to me and they need one stable parent who is reliable 24/7 and that’s me. I can go to happy hour or whatever in 10 years.

with all due respect, it's MUCH harder when you have 3+ kids as a single working parent. Apples and oranges compared to having 1 kid. And the chaos starts scrambling your brain. We're not talking a happy hour, we're talking having an occasional day to catch up on sleep so she can function, or go get the car fixed, or necessary life needs.

You’re right, my life is so easy! Thank you for correcting me. lol. I ALSO do not get time to catch up on sleep or life needs but go off, I guess.

why does it always devolve into single moms battling each other- one does 95%, one does 99%. Instead of focusing on the deadbeat dad who does 0-5%, and how to get him to do a bit more?!?

First person in line to dump on a mom is another mom

[Anonymous]

Options are:

Make them wards of the state and they go into foster care
Grandparents take care of them

This is sadly more common than you think. Lots of drug addicted parents, absent parents, one parent in jail, etc.

I’ve taught at schools with 99% FARMS. Pretty common scenario sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

Mom is gonna have to be bold and ask for help. For instance: play dates or rides with the kids' friends, help from neighbors, etc. I for one would be happy to host my 3rd grader's buddy once a week so you could get a break, or if you needed to stay late at work, etc.

My mom did this. We were in this exact same scenario as OP. My mom was depressed, I was parentified, and we were shuffled between good neighbors. The best thing my mom could have done was to stop arguing with reality, gotten counseling, and picked herself up to be the parent we needed. Life isn’t fair, but it’s really unfair to kids who didn’t ask for any of it. But, she didn’t do that and we all suffered, well into adulthood due to neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

Mom is gonna have to be bold and ask for help. For instance: play dates or rides with the kids' friends, help from neighbors, etc. I for one would be happy to host my 3rd grader's buddy once a week so you could get a break, or if you needed to stay late at work, etc.

My mom did this. We were in this exact same scenario as OP. My mom was depressed, I was parentified, and we were shuffled between good neighbors. The best thing my mom could have done was to stop arguing with reality, gotten counseling, and picked herself up to be the parent we needed. Life isn’t fair, but it’s really unfair to kids who didn’t ask for any of it. But, she didn’t do that and we all suffered, well into adulthood due to neglect.

Was your dad around at all? Any financial support? What was your relationship as a teen? And now as an adult? Do you blame him, have anger at him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

Mom is gonna have to be bold and ask for help. For instance: play dates or rides with the kids' friends, help from neighbors, etc. I for one would be happy to host my 3rd grader's buddy once a week so you could get a break, or if you needed to stay late at work, etc.

My mom did this. We were in this exact same scenario as OP. My mom was depressed, I was parentified, and we were shuffled between good neighbors. The best thing my mom could have done was to stop arguing with reality, gotten counseling, and picked herself up to be the parent we needed. Life isn’t fair, but it’s really unfair to kids who didn’t ask for any of it. But, she didn’t do that and we all suffered, well into adulthood due to neglect.

Was your dad around at all? Any financial support? What was your relationship as a teen? And now as an adult? Do you blame him, have anger at him?

Or do you just blame your mom for not being enough? As an adult do you see that she was a human being left in a bad place? Multiple kids are always a challenge but doing it all by yourself is a lot.

Is your dad dead? Or you just don't hold him to any standard or responsibility? Did he pick himself up & be that parent you needed? Or was that mom's job solely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom is not leaving her kids- she loves them. She's just on the verge of a mental breakdown and her functioning is dropping because she is extremely overwhelmed with now being a single mom of 3, working very full-time, and dealing with a deadbeat, which is frankly worse than a dead dad.
She can't keep up and while family is verbally supportive, no one is there to help.
And the dad's selfish carefree example is now the one that her preteen kids want to emulate.
I just see her spiraling downward from afar, and am appalled by the legal system that seems to have no consequences for a dad (parent) who simply abandons their family. She's lives in a very "no-fault" (ie no consequences) state. The assumption is that the responsible parent will handle everything (certainly gov't doesn't want to step in and assume any cost or responsibility)

Mom is gonna have to be bold and ask for help. For instance: play dates or rides with the kids' friends, help from neighbors, etc. I for one would be happy to host my 3rd grader's buddy once a week so you could get a break, or if you needed to stay late at work, etc.

My mom did this. We were in this exact same scenario as OP. My mom was depressed, I was parentified, and we were shuffled between good neighbors. The best thing my mom could have done was to stop arguing with reality, gotten counseling, and picked herself up to be the parent we needed. Life isn’t fair, but it’s really unfair to kids who didn’t ask for any of it. But, she didn’t do that and we all suffered, well into adulthood due to neglect.

Was your dad around at all? Any financial support? What was your relationship as a teen? And now as an adult? Do you blame him, have anger at him?

Or do you just blame your mom for not being enough? As an adult do you see that she was a human being left in a bad place? Multiple kids are always a challenge but doing it all by yourself is a lot.

Is your dad dead? Or you just don't hold him to any standard or responsibility? Did he pick himself up & be that parent you needed? Or was that mom's job solely?

You need help.