Who here knows they are THOSE relatives at Thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was basically raised by wolves. Visiting my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving was like traveling to Planet Normal, where people ate at a table. Some years my mom was too depressed to come, so my brothers and my dad and I would just show up, eat, eat dessert, watch TV, and drive two hours back home. I enjoyed it though I felt awkward.

The annual dinners kept up for nearly 25 years past my childhood. My cousins got married and had kids and the gatherings just got bigger. We kept doing the same things: we came, we ate, we thanked them, we went home. I thought all was good.

In my 40's I married and had a baby. Brought the baby to the gathering when he was 6 months old. I was struggling with nursing and PPD and spent most of my time in a bedroom either trying to nurse or trying to get the baby to nap.

The following year we were disinvited. It was done gracefully but it was clear that the big dinner traditions were over for our extended family. It was only a couple of years later that my cousin gently broached the subject and basically let me know that her mom and she and her sister had been appalled for DECADES at our "rude behavior"...we never brought a dish. We never cleaned dishes after the meal. We basically just arrived, ate, ate more, watched TV, and left.

I honestly had NO idea that was wrong. My aunt was a magnificent cook and I wouldn't have ever thought to bring something as a child; as an adult I hard about hostess gifts and usually brought wine or a pie for dessert. We traveled 5 hours to get there; I couldn't have coooked something like a side dish because we'd sleep at a hotel. But it was apparently a lingering resentment because my mom never brought a side dish in my childhood.

Apparently we never helped enough on the day of, either. We always offered, "can we help with the dishes?" And they'd always say, "No, you relax, you're our guests!"
Or something like that. I'm n the rare occasions I have hosted extended family, I always say the same. I don't want my guests doing scut work in the kitchen beyond maybe carrying their plates in. But apparently we should have insisted? Pushed back harder?

It's embarrassing now in my 50's to know that we were so rude for so many years, well into adulthood. I honestly had no clue. We don't go to dinner parties and generally don't host.

It's possible well meaning people who appreciate you generally don't know.

Just be glad you don’t feel obligated to go anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was basically raised by wolves. Visiting my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving was like traveling to Planet Normal, where people ate at a table. Some years my mom was too depressed to come, so my brothers and my dad and I would just show up, eat, eat dessert, watch TV, and drive two hours back home. I enjoyed it though I felt awkward.

The annual dinners kept up for nearly 25 years past my childhood. My cousins got married and had kids and the gatherings just got bigger. We kept doing the same things: we came, we ate, we thanked them, we went home. I thought all was good.

In my 40's I married and had a baby. Brought the baby to the gathering when he was 6 months old. I was struggling with nursing and PPD and spent most of my time in a bedroom either trying to nurse or trying to get the baby to nap.

The following year we were disinvited. It was done gracefully but it was clear that the big dinner traditions were over for our extended family. It was only a couple of years later that my cousin gently broached the subject and basically let me know that her mom and she and her sister had been appalled for DECADES at our "rude behavior"...we never brought a dish. We never cleaned dishes after the meal. We basically just arrived, ate, ate more, watched TV, and left.

I honestly had NO idea that was wrong. My aunt was a magnificent cook and I wouldn't have ever thought to bring something as a child; as an adult I hard about hostess gifts and usually brought wine or a pie for dessert. We traveled 5 hours to get there; I couldn't have coooked something like a side dish because we'd sleep at a hotel. But it was apparently a lingering resentment because my mom never brought a side dish in my childhood.

Apparently we never helped enough on the day of, either. We always offered, "can we help with the dishes?" And they'd always say, "No, you relax, you're our guests!"
Or something like that. I'm n the rare occasions I have hosted extended family, I always say the same. I don't want my guests doing scut work in the kitchen beyond maybe carrying their plates in. But apparently we should have insisted? Pushed back harder?

It's embarrassing now in my 50's to know that we were so rude for so many years, well into adulthood. I honestly had no clue. We don't go to dinner parties and generally don't host.

It's possible well meaning people who appreciate you generally don't know.

Just be glad you don’t feel obligated to go anymore.

As a kid you were fine. Once you hit your twenties, are you saying you did bring pies/wine? Then you are fine. Don't worry about it. Dynamics change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was basically raised by wolves. Visiting my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving was like traveling to Planet Normal, where people ate at a table. Some years my mom was too depressed to come, so my brothers and my dad and I would just show up, eat, eat dessert, watch TV, and drive two hours back home. I enjoyed it though I felt awkward.

The annual dinners kept up for nearly 25 years past my childhood. My cousins got married and had kids and the gatherings just got bigger. We kept doing the same things: we came, we ate, we thanked them, we went home. I thought all was good.

In my 40's I married and had a baby. Brought the baby to the gathering when he was 6 months old. I was struggling with nursing and PPD and spent most of my time in a bedroom either trying to nurse or trying to get the baby to nap.

The following year we were disinvited. It was done gracefully but it was clear that the big dinner traditions were over for our extended family. It was only a couple of years later that my cousin gently broached the subject and basically let me know that her mom and she and her sister had been appalled for DECADES at our "rude behavior"...we never brought a dish. We never cleaned dishes after the meal. We basically just arrived, ate, ate more, watched TV, and left.

I honestly had NO idea that was wrong. My aunt was a magnificent cook and I wouldn't have ever thought to bring something as a child; as an adult I hard about hostess gifts and usually brought wine or a pie for dessert. We traveled 5 hours to get there; I couldn't have coooked something like a side dish because we'd sleep at a hotel. But it was apparently a lingering resentment because my mom never brought a side dish in my childhood.

Apparently we never helped enough on the day of, either. We always offered, "can we help with the dishes?" And they'd always say, "No, you relax, you're our guests!"
Or something like that. I'm n the rare occasions I have hosted extended family, I always say the same. I don't want my guests doing scut work in the kitchen beyond maybe carrying their plates in. But apparently we should have insisted? Pushed back harder?

It's embarrassing now in my 50's to know that we were so rude for so many years, well into adulthood. I honestly had no clue. We don't go to dinner parties and generally don't host.

It's possible well meaning people who appreciate you generally don't know.

Just be glad you don’t feel obligated to go anymore.

As a kid you were fine. Once you hit your twenties, are you saying you did bring pies/wine? Then you are fine. Don't worry about it. Dynamics change.

Dang. 25+ years of mooching and then start showing up with a baby and presumably a spouse or SO adding more mouths to the festivities? Time to start her own traditions which will now include a lot of prep, cooking, cleaning, and expense that PP has avoided all those years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was basically raised by wolves. Visiting my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving was like traveling to Planet Normal, where people ate at a table. Some years my mom was too depressed to come, so my brothers and my dad and I would just show up, eat, eat dessert, watch TV, and drive two hours back home. I enjoyed it though I felt awkward.

The annual dinners kept up for nearly 25 years past my childhood. My cousins got married and had kids and the gatherings just got bigger. We kept doing the same things: we came, we ate, we thanked them, we went home. I thought all was good.

In my 40's I married and had a baby. Brought the baby to the gathering when he was 6 months old. I was struggling with nursing and PPD and spent most of my time in a bedroom either trying to nurse or trying to get the baby to nap.

The following year we were disinvited. It was done gracefully but it was clear that the big dinner traditions were over for our extended family. It was only a couple of years later that my cousin gently broached the subject and basically let me know that her mom and she and her sister had been appalled for DECADES at our "rude behavior"...we never brought a dish. We never cleaned dishes after the meal. We basically just arrived, ate, ate more, watched TV, and left.

I honestly had NO idea that was wrong. My aunt was a magnificent cook and I wouldn't have ever thought to bring something as a child; as an adult I hard about hostess gifts and usually brought wine or a pie for dessert. We traveled 5 hours to get there; I couldn't have coooked something like a side dish because we'd sleep at a hotel. But it was apparently a lingering resentment because my mom never brought a side dish in my childhood.

Apparently we never helped enough on the day of, either. We always offered, "can we help with the dishes?" And they'd always say, "No, you relax, you're our guests!"
Or something like that. I'm n the rare occasions I have hosted extended family, I always say the same. I don't want my guests doing scut work in the kitchen beyond maybe carrying their plates in. But apparently we should have insisted? Pushed back harder?

It's embarrassing now in my 50's to know that we were so rude for so many years, well into adulthood. I honestly had no clue. We don't go to dinner parties and generally don't host.

It's possible well meaning people who appreciate you generally don't know.

Just be glad you don’t feel obligated to go anymore.

As a kid you were fine. Once you hit your twenties, are you saying you did bring pies/wine? Then you are fine. Don't worry about it. Dynamics change.

Dang. 25+ years of mooching and then start showing up with a baby and presumably a spouse or SO adding more mouths to the festivities? Time to start her own traditions which will now include a lot of prep, cooking, cleaning, and expense that PP has avoided all those years.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was basically raised by wolves. Visiting my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving was like traveling to Planet Normal, where people ate at a table. Some years my mom was too depressed to come, so my brothers and my dad and I would just show up, eat, eat dessert, watch TV, and drive two hours back home. I enjoyed it though I felt awkward.

The annual dinners kept up for nearly 25 years past my childhood. My cousins got married and had kids and the gatherings just got bigger. We kept doing the same things: we came, we ate, we thanked them, we went home. I thought all was good.

In my 40's I married and had a baby. Brought the baby to the gathering when he was 6 months old. I was struggling with nursing and PPD and spent most of my time in a bedroom either trying to nurse or trying to get the baby to nap.

The following year we were disinvited. It was done gracefully but it was clear that the big dinner traditions were over for our extended family. It was only a couple of years later that my cousin gently broached the subject and basically let me know that her mom and she and her sister had been appalled for DECADES at our "rude behavior"...we never brought a dish. We never cleaned dishes after the meal. We basically just arrived, ate, ate more, watched TV, and left.

I honestly had NO idea that was wrong. My aunt was a magnificent cook and I wouldn't have ever thought to bring something as a child; as an adult I hard about hostess gifts and usually brought wine or a pie for dessert. We traveled 5 hours to get there; I couldn't have coooked something like a side dish because we'd sleep at a hotel. But it was apparently a lingering resentment because my mom never brought a side dish in my childhood.

Apparently we never helped enough on the day of, either. We always offered, "can we help with the dishes?" And they'd always say, "No, you relax, you're our guests!"
Or something like that. I'm n the rare occasions I have hosted extended family, I always say the same. I don't want my guests doing scut work in the kitchen beyond maybe carrying their plates in. But apparently we should have insisted? Pushed back harder?

It's embarrassing now in my 50's to know that we were so rude for so many years, well into adulthood. I honestly had no clue. We don't go to dinner parties and generally don't host.

It's possible well meaning people who appreciate you generally don't know.

Just be glad you don’t feel obligated to go anymore.

As a kid you were fine. Once you hit your twenties, are you saying you did bring pies/wine? Then you are fine. Don't worry about it. Dynamics change.

+1
What's wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

I think it's reasonable to say that once someone is married with children, they can start a new tradition. It sounds like these relatives were really generous to include a family they knew was struggling and wouldn't have been able to provide a nice holiday for their kids. But it's also reasonable to end that once the kids become adults, and have their own families, and the skills to make new traditions.

I have nieces and nephews whose parent is incapable of making a nice holiday. I always include them, spend as much on them as I do on my kids, cook their favorite foods etc . . . And I love to do it, because I love them. But even though their parent is excused from contributing on their behalf, when they're adults assuming they don't inherit their parent's mental illness, then I expect they will step up, and contribute, just like I expect for my own children.